Is it cruel never to give a boy a gaming device?

[Obamallama]

Odd question I know but people are making me feel like I don’t understand some unique position of boys.

I have girls and resisted giving them computers/consoles/phones/tablets until they started secondary school when I got them a phone and a chrome book. They have to leave both downstairs when they go to bed and can’t be on them during family time.

I’m pleased that until 11 they had v little access to tech and now still have limited access. I do think it’s contributed to their imaginations, happiness, levels of activity, time to do other things etc.

My youngest is a boy and I intend to do the same. However lots of people keep saying it’s cruel, saying that all the other 9 year old boys have consoles, saying he will feel left out and it will get worse as he gets older. I’m not convinced but would like opinions.

Is it hard on a boy not to have a console ever? Is just a phone and a chrome book at 11 going to make him a pariah? Do all boys talk about console games?

Our ds 4 has one and I was/am the one against them.He is allowed on it for limited time at weekends and it's working out so far.

I'm always open to the different opinions and experiences of MNers and it's great that some posters haven't had problems regarding screen time, however this is one area where I prefer to go with my RL observations. In that regard I can say I don't know any parent who hasn't had problems limiting dc screen time/console use. It comes up regularly with friends and at work (loads of us with primary age dc) and even the ones who aren't overly bothered will concede that an hour in the evening becomes an hour and a half by the time they've told dc five more minutes FIVE times! Others have said that they have almost constant pestering, tears and sulking and quite a few admit they regret 'giving in' when their gut instinct was to wait.

I know lots will disagree but I'm with Op regarding:

I do think it’s contributed to their imaginations, happiness, levels of activity, time to do other things etc

There are only so many hours in the day and generally something else has to give to make room for console use or watching idiots on YouTube trying to sell them crap. Again, the RL parents I know will complain that their dc no longer want to play outside, don't play with their toys anymore and only read a book under sufferance!

Our dc are 7 and 9, they know consoles aren't on the agenda for a few years yet and thankfully most of their friends don't seem to have them (quite a lot of them are first borns actually which might be a factor - no older siblings influence). Dd9 so far isn't interested so I think it'll be ds7 who eventually starts asking for one.

We have a computer in the house so if they need to research something for a school project they can but they know it's not for playing games or browsing. DH and I both have iPads but we consider those personal use items, dc wouldn't know the pass code and don't expect to have access to them though we occasionally show them something of interest. Other than that they have no need of these things yet and won't be getting their own computers or phones until secondary school age.

There is a huge difference between primary and secondary aged children. IME it is at secondary age when boys start socialising via online games. And in my son’s case it is socialising as he goes off and finds something else to do if no-one else is online.

What works for an 8 year old is very different than a 14 year old.

If your kids can’t self regulate at all then they will need to learn at some stage or it risks going horribly wrong once you can no longer dictate what they do (whether that is 18 or earlier). I think self regulation is probably an important skill these days?

Interesting...we have 11 and 8 year old and the console pressure is big!

We've resisted so far. They get a bit of ipad time on weekends, and TV (usually watching youtube) but basically no screens during the week.

the 11 yo is ADHD and paed has recommended as little screen time as possilble, no console gaming, no phone, so we've extended that to both of them..

we do feel a bit mean, and hear you on the boys esp using gaming to socialise but both of mine are tense and unhappy after playing, and a bit obsessed and can't self regulate well, so a little bit on a limited platform (ipad is more restrictive for gaming) so it's not totally forbidden fruit) seems to work for us

Screens don't equal no imagination. We have relaxed rules around screen time and encourage a range of hobbies.

My eldest programmes in her spare time. She's taught herself to animate stories she makes up. She's been doing it for years. She's now at gcse stage and top of her computer science class. She wants to go into animation. Having started animating at a young age has given her a massive advantage. She's also doing really well in English as she's been making up creative stories since she could speak. Screens have helped her hugely and having access to a laptop from a young age has had a time impact.

Another one of my kids rarely bothers with screens, preferring to draw.

All kids are different. Screens are not always bad.

Games are imo more valuable than tv in many cases as long as you choose wisely. Many games involve puzzle solving, some involve making choices and seeing how they impact on a story and others involve building or creating things you can imagine. Gaming can be hugely educational.

I have banned fortnite FYI. The game itself is not bad as such but there's no lessons to be learnt, no imagination needed and it's the type of game that gets addictive and is also frustrating, bringing out the worst in people. So none of us play it.

those who are saying they give unlimited access and your children self regulate, well that’s all fine and dandy but that could be due to personality type

Venus that was rather my point. All children are different, therefore “addiction to screen” isn’t automatic (as is implied in the OP).

Obviously I would enforce limits if there was a problem and they didn’t naturally self regulate. That’s just part of parenting though.

We got a console when ds was 8 and dd 6.

A lot of his friends had one because they had older siblings

With hindsight I wish we had waited.

Ds is so so addicted to screens - we have clear limits and screen free days but he still kicks off about it.

When we don’t have screens he actually says it’s nice to do other things than gaming but he gets very cross in the run up to no screens.

Hold off OP. Technology is not a great thing in the home.

I have a 19 and 9 yo, both boys. We are getting a console this year. I feel they have become much more a part of regular play with DS2, with the messaging etc.
He does feel he's excluded at the moment and I don't want that.

Well my DD doesn’t conform to stereotype as she loves console games, Minecraft etc. (She is also a huge bookworm - playing computer games doesn’t automatically mean they stop reading!!)
Computer Science is one of her favourite subjects at secondary school. She has a phone and some social media to communicate with friends, but she’s not that fussed about it (unlike other girls her age, who post highly made-up selfies and videos etc, which I think is worse!). She does complain though that not many of her friends play.
When she was younger and first started asking to play computer games, I did my research and played the games myself, and would install games that I thought were more educational. We’ve talked a lot about being safe online etc. She now really enjoys coding and I think it’s definitely going to be beneficial to her in future that she’s confident using technology.

My DS 10 does socialise through console games which is I do like. He plays online with a friend who has moved away that he doesn’t see very often. I don’t understand why this is viewed by so many as a negative thing? I am pleased they are keeping in touch, and be honest he’s not going to write him an email or chat on the phone - but they will happily chat together while playing a game. I was really worried about getting Fortnite as I had heard such negative things, so we got it as a trial and actually DS is only interested in going on it when one of his friends is on, he doesn’t play it otherwise. I guess it’s the pre-teen-boy equivalent of me meeting a friend for coffee.....!

PS if you do get a console, please try playing together. I am not a gamer at all but my children really like it when I play with them. The Switch in particular has lots of family friendly multiplayer games.

I don’t want my DS to have a DS . He does have a Wii sport which he plays with friends and family occasionally.

We also have mine craft on my computer which is creative much like Lego. DS uses it once a week with friends.

I think it’s a bit unkind not to let to boys or girls join in with group gaming etc if all their friends are. I did restrict total screen time to 30mins per day (they could choose between phone, iPad, console or tv) so some days chose not to do any gaming but I would have felt I was excluding them a bit to outright ban it. It is a large proportion of what children talk about, the games they play in the playground etc.
I’m sure some kids would be absolutely fine with it if they were the sort who didn’t really care what others think but, to me, it’s making them the modern day equivalent of that kid in the school who didn’t have a tv.

Also I’ve never had an issue restricting screen time. Kids only pester for more if they think there’s a chance you’ll give in imo. If they think there’s more chance of them losing the next day’s screen time they don’t bother.