Is it cruel never to give a boy a gaming device?

[Obamallama]

Odd question I know but people are making me feel like I don’t understand some unique position of boys.

I have girls and resisted giving them computers/consoles/phones/tablets until they started secondary school when I got them a phone and a chrome book. They have to leave both downstairs when they go to bed and can’t be on them during family time.

I’m pleased that until 11 they had v little access to tech and now still have limited access. I do think it’s contributed to their imaginations, happiness, levels of activity, time to do other things etc.

My youngest is a boy and I intend to do the same. However lots of people keep saying it’s cruel, saying that all the other 9 year old boys have consoles, saying he will feel left out and it will get worse as he gets older. I’m not convinced but would like opinions.

Is it hard on a boy not to have a console ever? Is just a phone and a chrome book at 11 going to make him a pariah? Do all boys talk about console games?

Just to add we never had strict rules over it, my dd has a friend with very similar personalty to dd and her mum really gives hard rules! I do wonder if they are really needed.

My dd always does her hw on her own without me telling her. She's top sets at school. She's an incredible reader... Not one issue at pe in 6 years. Infact the most negative remarks we have had is that her hand writing is too small.

Some dc are more addictive personality, may get sucked into types of games have no other hobbies etc.

But so many dc need to be trusted a little more!!

I have two boys in Y6 & Y5 and we don’t have any games consoles. They don’t appear to be suffering socially at all.

It’s a shame so many parents cave on this so early - if everyone took a stand then we might be able to keep all kids off them for longer which would be lovely.

Myy year 7 ds doesn't have any consoles.. Hes enough of an addict to his phone. He seems completely unbothered. He's asked for a cake mixer for Xmas.

The problem is that boys in particular tend to socialise through games. My middle and youngest sons (16 & 13) hardly ever play a game alone (they’d both do something else instead rather than play alone) but our in their headsets and play with their friends or cousins etc. That’s why you need to make sure you have the same console as their friends. So if you refuse to ever allow a console then you do tend to remove the opportunity for them to interact with a lot of their real life friends.

I don’t think restriction would make much difference to them socially, but having a different console from their friends (so they can’t play with them) or having no console at all might once you get to secondary age.

Both boys have plenty of access to other activities (ds3 for example walks back from school, plays football on the way home with mates for about an hour then plays FIFA with them 😂). Ds2 is out a lot & does hours of extracurricular each week (dance/drama) - so I don’t really see it as affecting their social skills or life. Their gaming seems very sociable (once they learn not to get frustrated at losing, which they seem to do relatively quickly)

User me too. I'm not a gamer and have not played one game on xbox in two years but playing Disney infinity, crating their own new lands together.. With own songs has been a fantastic experience for my dc. Disney infirmity is very creative.

Minecraft is amazing on xbox the things I hear dd and her friends coming out with when playing it 😂

My ds (who goes to an all-boys school) didn't get a 'proper' console until he was 14. His three sisters have never wanted one, and we weren't going to spend that amount of money on one child (even for birthday and Christmas combined). By the time he got one he was genuinely the only boy in his class without one. Which was when we gave in.

My dds still have no interest in his console. He enjoys it. Somehow, my dc have conformed to a particular gender stereotype.

We held off for a long time,both DD and DS game but play different things.
They are grown up now,but the consoles have had pros and cons like anything else in life.
They have played and still play together,and with friends.I still remember the fun of it when we were all playing the same game,And DS does socialise online.Dealing with setting limits etc is just part of parenting.
It would be hypocritical to not allow your DS a console at the point here you allowed DDs their phones - IMO they are both electronic gadgets....unless your DDs just have absolutely basic ring and text only devices?

I disagree. My dc didn't actually need keeping off tech (neither has a phone) inspite of my earlier worries.

Not every child does.

They are just games, like board games in a different way.

OPs idea is in my opinion the better option. When I go to football matches and the 9 or 10 year old mascots are introduced, 'playing with my Xbox' is almost always one of their hobbies.

Not giving in to pester power is a great skill to have, and teaches the values of waiting and of overcoming disappointment.

Stitchingmoss

I'm not taking a stand because other parents don't have the confidence or ability to monitor consoles in their home. We live in a modern world, it is one toy out of many they have and they do not prize it over anything else. If they became addicted gamers then it would be gone simple as that, but because I don't put it as this controversial item I am concerned about they don't see it as any different to their other toys. I genuinely don't think they spend more than an hour a week on it, I feel no need to delay when they get one just because other families struggle with screen time, it's not an issue in this house. Not everyone sees technology as the devil, not everyone gets addicted and over uses these things, if I felt they would then we wouldn't have one.

Momasita - my two would be glued to TV, like zombies, unable to hear you talking to them and they get plenty of tv at home (unlimited) They're just a nightmare and prime candidates for 'the dangers of screen time'. If they play on the ipad it turns them into vile stroppy creatures. I hope as they get older they'll grow out of it because at the moment there's no chance of them having phones, laptops or consoles! They're only 5 and 3 though, fingers crossed they're not the same when they're 11.

It’s a shame so many parents cave on this so early - if everyone took a stand then we might be able to keep all kids off them for longer which would be lovely

Agree. “Boys communicate through gaming” is not a boy thing, it’s a parents letting them have a console so the can communicate through it thing. Self fulfilling.

Stereotyping again. It doesn’t occur to parents to buy girls gaming consoles, as it’s a “boy thing”. So girls can’t and don’t use that method of communication. Phones are more acceptable to the chatty, sociable girl stereotype.

And again it’s self fulfilling because as with everything, gaming is practice so girls fall behind, and it becomes to difficult to enter the male dominated world where the boys are way ahead in skill and knowledge. Which turns into boys are better/more natural gamers.

Mine are into sport though and communicate through whatsapp and snapchat. Both boys and girls. The boys don’t game as they don’t have time. A few of them play fortnite and use that, but mainly they choose a platform everyone can use, and only a couple have consoles.

Well I could take a stand I guess but I don’t see the point. Both do plenty of other things. Ds2 is incredibly fit because of the hours and hours of dance he does each week. Ds3 arrives home muddy from playing football with friends every day.

It seems to help their friendships - especially amongst school friends. For years was a way my youngest could play with his cousin he saw once a year if that (lived opposite ends of the country).

Not sure what I would be taking a stand against. ‘No you will not talk to School friends outside school’. Really? I used to spend hours on the phone, not sure how it is different.

I have three grandsons aged 15, 12 and 9.
The 15 year old is addicted to gaming. Fortunately he is also keen on athletics. I think he spends far too much time on various devices.
The other two are brothers and keen sportsmen. The 12 year old would spend unlimited time on the Xbox but he obeys parental restrictions without fuss.
The 9 year old has very little interest though he enjoys football games on the Xbox.
All started with those hand held ds things. The two younger ones have a shared Xbox, iPad minis and the 12 year old has my old phone. They have a shared laptop too.
None of my granddaughters aged 15, 18, 19, 19 has ever had any interest in gaming at all. They have phones but that’s it.
I honestly think a boy of 9+ would be socially disadvantaged by not having some sort of gaming device.

My children had no limits set on gaming/ computers/tv. They self regulated. They were never addicted. They had many interests and had a healthy approach to all of them. They had consoles ( There are 3 PS1s, 3 PS2s and 3 PS3s in my loft) they then preferred PCs and by the time they were 14/15 had built their own to their own specifications.

They were also avid readers, very creative, could strip and rebuild motorbikes, kept animals, would beat for the local shoot.

At 11 DS3 had a typing speed of 105 wpm which has been useful. They are adults now, not really interested in social media but do game and are happy, healthy and well rounded lovely people. DS3 is at Uni studying Theoretical and Computational Physics, thank you Sheldon Cooper, computers are not the devil.

User I agree.

You need to know your dc.

Agree if mine had become over addicted it would have just disappeared one day.

Mine conform to gender stereotypes with DS (15) gaming with his friends - and I have to say it was an absolutely fantastic way of him keeping in touch with his friends when he was away from school ill for a few months this year. Now he’s back at school it’s very restricted during the week and he’s tied up with lots of other stuff outdoors at the weekends.

DD (12) has never expressed an interest in gaming. She’s pestering for social media - which I don’t yet allow.

I think a family ocnsole is the best idea. Ours is connected to the TV, so we are always booting DC off gaming so we can watch something. It stops them from getting hooke dor wasting whole days.
And make other interests non negotiable. They will still play sport/music/go to scouts etc as always.If they don't, you can always get rid of the console.

I suppose each of us know our own children and have rules, or not, accordingly.

Mine have never had screen time limits but have never been obsessed either.

We got DS a PS3 back in the day because his entire friendship group had them and played together online for a bit after school. They'd then talk about it and DS couldn't join in. He played a bit a couple of times a week (if that) for a few years then they all moved on.

I wonder sometimes if people look back to their own non-tech childhoods with nostalgia and wish for the same for their own DC. But times have moved on.

My and DH's childhood was spent playing out in the street but nobody seems to let their DC do that nowadays. Traffic and fear of strangers I suppose. While we hung out in the street now they hang out online.

Same rules should apply though I question your attitude towards tech.

Boys do socialise through gaming more in my experience, about 95% of people I have met online gaming are males. I have gamed for forty years on and off and played the original pong. I had a very good career and retrained taking professional exams twice, marrying and having two dc. Was writing web pages back in the early 90’s and was involved with tech stuff before most had access to the internet. What I’m saying is it can be fine and well rounded adults can emerge that gamed as children.

Access to online anything has its risks, grooming can happen over either medium. The use of both should be monitored.

I agree that some look back with nostalgia at quite tech free childhoods. I had a home computer back in the 1980’s I was either on that or out on my bike cycling miles every day and swimming in the sea even in the winter. A balance is all that is required.

DS is 6, my DDs are 9 and 11. I'm getting pressure from the eldest for a phone now but otherwise they've been happy just to play on the computer in the playroom. Their primary school is thankfully very good on teaching them about the issues around social media but DH (who is a software engineer) wants to keep them off it as long as possible, I think we'll have to give in soon though and just have good parental controls (which we have on the wifi at the moment). My big issue is all the kids seem to have iphones (affluent area so the kids are getting their parents handmedowns) so DD1 specifically wants access to imessenger (whatsapp no good apparently). But I don't have an iphone and so she isn't getting one, I'm not paying £300 for a phone for an 11 year old.

The trouble is, those who are saying they give unlimited access and your children self regulate, well that’s all fine and dandy but that could be due to personality type. I very much suspect that my eldest would be the same; she’s that type of child. It would be easy to make the same statements about the console not being the devil and ‘just another toy’.

But the youngest is a completely different kettle of fish - he was bought a camera for Christmas last year and it had some simple games on it. He played the games at every opportunity till the batteries ran out. After a decent pause, we replaced the batteries - and gave him a good talking to about not playing the games constantly, and how if he ran the batteries straight down again on games then that would be it.

Well, guess what, he couldn’t tear himself away and spent hours on it again. One day I even found it under the bedclothes where he’d obviously been hiding in order to play. He knew he was doing it too much but still did it. Batteries ran out, won’t be replaced.

If he had unlimited access to computer games he would be incapable of self regulating.

My Y9 DS doesn't have a console. He's never asked.
If we did have one he wouldn't be able to use it for contacting friends & playing online for hours as we have limited internet. He has access to a family computer, and he has a phone.
It's not cruel IMO.

Interesting, I’m trying to find my way through all this myself with DS 8yrs. I’m trying to put off gaming consoles as it’s easier without them than have the battles over...

Venus

That's the point, we all know our children so we all know what's appropriate and what isn't, one size fits all (or an appropriate age for all) isn't necessary. Some of us have given consoles younger and that doesn't mean they've become slaves to tech, quite the opposite in our case, so the OP should assess the pros and cons to her own child's personality. I can understand why you wouldn't introduce a console.