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Original poster

Child refusing to go back to his dads

30 replies

anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 19:51

Posting here for traffic

Ds who is 12 this week, visits his dad once a fortnight from Friday to Sunday. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to persuade him to go. His dad has messed him around, been sporadic with his contact and doesn't really bother with him when he's there. He also often drinks and argues with his partner (to the point ss have been involved twice).

Tonight he has text me very upset saying his dad has been shouting in his face and continued after he began crying.

I've always encouraged contact as he is his dad but he is now saying he's not going again. I feel very torn and I no longer think contact is in his best interests.

What age would a court force him to go still? I'm worried sick until I can collect him tomorrow

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 01/12/2018 19:54

What age would a court force him to go still? I'm worried sick until I can collect him tomorrow

At 12 his own views would be given considerable weight & SS involvement, shouting, boozing, arguing is not a pretty picture to put before a court.

I think you’re pretty safe, legally, to just go ahead and do the right thing.

Can’t you collect him tonight? It sounds scary for him over there? Soft soap it with your ex if you need to. It’s the last time you’ll have to.

BishopBrennansArse · 01/12/2018 19:55

Is this court ordered contact? DS is getting to the age where courts would listen to him but some friends have encountered dismissive judges so it's not a given.

I'd persuade DS to talk to his dad, with you supporting if necessary. Do you know why he doesn't want to go? Is it clashing with something he wants to do? Would one night a week work better for him?

BishopBrennansArse · 01/12/2018 19:56

Sorry ignore I got distracted. Shouting. Forget EVERYTHING I said.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
Original poster
anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 19:56

I've suggested that to ds but he's begging me not to say anything when he's there because he's frightened that his dad will go mad, or go because there would be a fall out.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 01/12/2018 19:57

Ok but is it court ordered contact or would court process have to start from scratch?

Original poster
anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 19:59

There's no other reason other than his dad being horrible to him and I'm increasingly concerned about the things ds is telling me, usually he says nothing.

He told my mum he gets butterflies like when he goes to the dentist about going there.

Last time he was there he told him that they had lost the football because ds was crap.

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 01/12/2018 19:59

I'd persuade DS to talk to his dad, with you supporting if necessary. Do you know why he doesn't want to go? Is it clashing with something he wants to do?

Really?! Clashes?? He doesn’t want to go because it’s a chaotic atmosphere and his father is being borderline abusive to him. At a guess.

Trying to negotiate with an aggressive drunk is not something a child should have to do.

SS involvement and a distressed child would be good enough for me.

Original poster
anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 19:59

We have a reasonable contact order with me as resident parent.

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 01/12/2018 20:01

I've suggested that to ds but he's begging me not to say anything when he's there because he's frightened that his dad will go mad, or go because there would be a fall out.

Fair enough. Get him tomorrow and draw a line. He needs you to make the decision and protect him. I know it’s scary when you fear legal action but you’re on pretty safe ground here.

Poor mite. It’s shit to have to observe all this, isn’t it? Flowers

eeyore84 · 01/12/2018 20:03

That doesn't sound good - can you talk to his dad? Are you on speaking terms? I would suggest if at all possible a family meeting to get to the bottom of what's going on and the effect it has on your son. Great of you to ensure contact and that's definitely the right thing to do but as ds is getting older now a court will take his views into account and the sort of aggression he describes will of course be noted. Only thing is (and I'm just playing devils advocate here) is that the whole story or is there maybe an element of exaggeration (maybe not deliberately) and his dad would have a different version of events with the truth being somewhere in the middle. I have a step daughter and on occasion she will say things / exaggerate to both her parents about the situation at the other house and her interpretation is not always quite as you'd expect (she's a little younger than your ds though). I hope you manage to get it sorted and chat to your ds tomorrow and maybe the dad - if not maybe another relative or family friend? If it goes through court cafcass and mediators will normative also speak to all involved to get a balanced view. Hope this helps, hard to know what to do right now just sit tight and stay strong or maybe ask if he wants you to go collect him now instead if he's that upset? Hugs X

BishopBrennansArse · 01/12/2018 20:05

If you're worried about court outcomes maybe contact centre? No unsupervised or overnight contact. You'd then have independent witnesses to any poor behaviour from ex and/or he may behave in public?

ViragoKnows · 01/12/2018 20:07

There’s a children’s legal helpline that might be able to help if you want to check the legal position. I think it’s national but based in Essex, if that helps with googling.

stainedglasswindow · 01/12/2018 20:16

Can you ring with a "family emergency" and say you need to collect him this eve?

Oobis · 01/12/2018 20:17

For me, a12 year old boy admitting they cried is a massive thing. He needs to know you have his back and his feelings count. As long as they're his feelings and not influenced by you whatsoever, they need respecting.

Original poster
anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 20:23

No if anything I encourage him to go, if only to see his little brother. And I've always encouraged a relationship with his dad.

There has been so much happened over the years and I've still encouraged their relationship.

Like I say, he doesn't say a lot to me, more to my mum

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 01/12/2018 20:27

So his dad is shouting in his face? Go and fetch him home ffs

MyOtherProfile · 01/12/2018 20:30

Poor child. Is there a way you can get him out tonight?

Lunde · 01/12/2018 20:31

I would go and get him at once. Contact is meant to be for the child's benefit being verbally abused by someone who already has SS involvement for drinking and altercations is not benefiting your son

Original poster
anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 20:42

I've contacted his Auntie (his dads sister) and she is going to go and check on him - she is fully aware of what he is like and will only have ds's wellbeing in mind.

I'm going to discuss with his dad that contact takes place at ds's grandparents who he loves and will be happy to go there. Surely then he couldn't take me to court as I'm effectively not stopping contact. And adhering to reasonable contact order as at the minute it's not reasonable to send him there

OP posts:
Hazardswan · 01/12/2018 20:48

Go get him if you can OP. Or text him to ask if he wants collecting?

Starlight456 · 01/12/2018 20:49

I would seek legal advice with wording of court order.

Original poster
anxiousanniekins · 01/12/2018 20:50

He doesn't want me to go tonight I've asked him repeatedly as he doesn't want me to say anything until he's home with me

OP posts:
Lunde · 01/12/2018 20:59

Glad that Auntie is going to check on him

Dowser · 01/12/2018 21:03

Proceed with caution. My dil went to court to protect her children and had them took off over and given to the dad 😱😱😱

Never saw them for 13 weeks

Still hasn’t got them back.
Heartbreaking and so unfair
She’s been turned inside and out and lost thousands

Momasita · 01/12/2018 21:27

Poor bloody kid. In normal circumstances I understand shared contact but not when someone has a personality disorder and major anger issues. Poor fucking kid 😪😪

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