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Original poster

Mums of adult son's, how do you act when you go to stay

48 replies

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 15:12

Help me get some perspective please. My Pil's have recently moved back from living overseas for years. I met DP while they were overseas so I had only met them for a week or so every few years. It only recently that we have really started to get to know each other properly. They still don't live near us however and need to stay here when they visit us but visits are now much more frequent.

However, they are far too 'helpful' for my liking and I feel like I'm expected to revert back to being a child. For what it's worth, I'm not lazy, the house is clean and the fridge full. They just always seem to take over when they stay and I feel like I'm in their home not my own. For example, they always want to cook dinner, do the shopping, do the ironing, clean do diy jobs all without being asked to. Is this normal and I'm just being a brat? I want to tell them to stop without being rude. I want my kitchen back!!

OP posts:

ReflectentMonatomism · 30/11/2018 15:18

For example, they always want to cook dinner, do the shopping, do the ironing, clean do diy jobs all without being asked to.

Cooking in other people's kitchen is territory marking unless there are extenuating circumstances. Shopping is similarly. Say no to both. Both will involve implicit criticism of your tastes and preferences; the latter will involve the purchase of all the things they complained about being missing while doing the former (my mother in law always complained about my lack of lard, rather than "these oil things").

DIY is territory marking but they might be good at it (are they?) and it's something you would otherwise pay someone to do. It's not personal in the same way.

Ironing: meh. Whatever.

Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 15:42

I would love to say no to both but when I arrive back from work the dinner will be on there will be more food in the fridge and cupboards. They think they are helping and don't want us to go to extra expense because they are there. Fil is good at diy, his son not so much but I'd rather they asked us first. Every time they come I ask them not to bring food because the freezer is always bursting at the seems but they never listen. It's like they are trying to make up for all the years they were overseas. We are in our forties btw so not exactly new to looking after ourselves.

OP posts:

Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 15:49

My mum lives nearby so I've never had her stay over. When she does visit which is not often, I'll always cook lunch or make the tea. She wouldn't dream of going into the kitchen and start rummaging through my fridge. Just wondering if it's us that's weird and not them!

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Finfintytint · 30/11/2018 15:54

When we stay at our adult son and his girlfriend's. I always pay for food shopping when we're there but they crack on and cook it though. I wouldn't dream of doing any housework or diy though unless asked.

HollowTalk · 30/11/2018 16:10

I laughed when I realised you were in your 40s. I thought you were about 20 and his parents had struggled to give up their parental role.

That's crazy, really. Surely your husband's lived away from home for a couple of decades now. Why are they treating him like a child?

I wouldn't want someone taking over my kitchen or doing jobs that I hadn't asked them to do, either. They need to get some boundaries.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/11/2018 16:15

Can't lie, I wish your PILs would adopt me. I could do with a bit of help in the cooking and DIY department!

(I get that it bugs you, OP, and I understand that and it's valid, I just don't feel all that territorial about my own kitchen._

Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 16:21

Thanks for replying. They are both lovely people and I really wouldn't want to upset them but I just find myself dreading their next visit more and more. DP says they are just trying to be helpful! I think they are too but just a little bit too much I'm just not used to people making themselves quite so comfortable in my home.

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AlbertWinestein · 30/11/2018 16:28

My in-laws do this and I don’t consider it territory marking in the slightest. They’re just being nice. I’d just relax and enjoy your dinner cooked for you. My MIL can’t just sit and relax and I accept that her doing these things makes her stay with us more enjoyable for her. And I get to put my feet up!

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 30/11/2018 16:28

Send em my way .

I can understand it must grate but I think they’re only trying to be helpful.

They might well be trying to make up for lost time. I bet there was loads of times when you guys were poorly or stressed and they wished they could help but distance prevented.

They could also be very conscious of the fact that they’re there more frequently and they don’t want to be a burden.

If they’re good people with good intentions then let it be.

Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 16:45

Thanks everyone! I'll maybe try and chill out a bit more and enjoy it it's just different family dynamics from what I'm used to.

Hollow he was 20 and still at home when they moved, we met when he was 28 so he had lived on his own for 8 years.

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Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 16:50

Not your name totally contradicts your helpful reply Are you my mil?

OP posts:

fleshmarketclose · 30/11/2018 16:54

My son lives alone so if I am invited there I consider myself his guest so generally sit down and let him do the entertaining. If I go to his for a reason such as to wait in for the plumber for example I do tend to clean up whilst I am there mostly because I'm not very good at waiting around. It seems to work for us.

BackforGood · 30/11/2018 16:55

I don’t consider it territory marking in the slightest. They’re just being nice. I’d just relax and enjoy your dinner cooked for you.

This ^

There are so many threads on MN complaining about visitors in general, but inlaws especially who "invite themselves then expect to be waited on hand and foot" it seems in-laws can't do right for doing wrong.

As NotExactly says, they can come and stay with me for a week or so if you don't want them.

Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 17:14

flesh would you still tidy up if he moved in with someone?

Back I didn't want this to turn into an in-law bashing thread and I don't want to fall out with them. It's all just strange and new for me. I don't go to my friends houses and start cleaning up and they don't do it at mine, same with my parents. I can't say I'm finding it comfortable but that may just be me. I never knew I was so precious about my home

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OliviaStabler · 30/11/2018 17:16

They can come and stay with me I'd love it.

Yvbmioasp · 30/11/2018 17:17

I do virtually nothing. It's their house not mine.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/11/2018 17:20

would you still tidy up if he moved in with someone?

If I was the kind of person to tidy up in my son's flat (he's only 12 so who knows?) I would do it whether he lived alone, shared with others or lived with a female partner. You seem to have taken the fact they clean as some sort of criticism of you - is it because you do more cleaning than DP?? If they're 'things' to help, why wouldn't cleaning and cooking be among the 'things' they do?

fleshmarketclose · 30/11/2018 17:20

Maggie no probably not because I'd be mindful of respecting the partner's privacy tbh.

cushioncuddle · 30/11/2018 18:34

It's a difficult one.
They are trying to be kind and helpful.
It's just not right for you.

Can you gently set some ground rules like we're cooking tonight. I've done the shopping it's all sorted.

Try to compromise or steer then to not doing it all.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 30/11/2018 20:39

Maggie Ha no I’m not I promise.

I think if I were you I’d just keep emphasising how much they don’t need to do stuff.

‘Oh MIL it’s so kind of you to cook but I was really looking forward to trying out that new lasagna recipe. Next time you must let me make it for you, I want to see what you think.’ Etc etc.

Steer them to the sofa with a glass of something and keep banging on about how lovely it is to spend quality time with them. Might do the trick.

Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 20:51

Lonny it's nothing to do with who does the cleaning. It's not even about cleaning! It is that they want to do everything when they are here. The whole sheibang! I get told to sit down and they will do it. Should I just move out and let them get on with it? It's bloody my house and I pay half of the bills. I don't expect to get treated like a child in my own house at the age of 43, surley respect earns respect? No?

Cushion I've tried to set some ground rules. Like, ok, I'm doing next weeks delivery shop, what do you fancy for tea? I I get, no we'll get the shopping! No you won't! Yes we will! You are staying with us, we'll get it.

The way I was brought up was that you looked after people that stayed with you? Not them look after you! I don't do anything except the dishes when I stay at their's. Surely that works both ways?

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ReflectentMonatomism · 30/11/2018 21:06

You seem to have taken the fact they clean as some sort of criticism of you

Because it is.

How many friends do you have whose houses you clean while you're waiting for them to get ready to go out for the evening? Last time you invited your friends round, how many of them ran a finger along your shelves, rolled their eyes, and got out a duster? Exactly.

Similarly, how many friends would you tolerate arriving for dinner, turning up their nose at the food you'd cooked, and instead whipped out some ingredients they'd bought earlier and cooked a meal more to their taste?

Exactly.

It's not helpful. It's not caring.

BackforGood · 01/12/2018 17:39

When mine were little, some friends came to babysit. Friends who had grown up children.
When I got home, they had done a mountain of washing up that was in the kitchen. I could have cried as it was so kind.
They didn't do the washing up because they thought we were slovenly. They did the washing up because they remembered what it was like to be living the kind of exhaustion that came from having small dc and being out at work. I was so appreciative of them.

So different from my in-laws who never lifted a finger to help us, but had an expectation that we could take an evening or a Sunday afternoon off to just sit and chat. At that time, with the jobs we had (involved working at home as well as out during the week) and the dc we had (er... not exactly 'passive' ) we just never had a minute to just sit.
It was only when I discovered MN that I found that people could be offended when others are kind to them.
I hope when I have grandchildren, if I have the energy to help out my dc and 'dc-in-law' , they will take it as it is given - a little something I can do to help them in some small way, because I love them.

DelurkingAJ · 01/12/2018 17:45

My DM does this and we adore it (DH has been heard to mutter that he’d like her next door). She does it because she remembers what it was like to both work FT and then come in, get DC to bed and then start cooking.

Justkeeprollingalong · 01/12/2018 17:48

Whenever I go to either of my daughters I just get stuck in. They love it! My eldest has a cleaner and she always says 'had your mum been this week'

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