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Original poster

Mums of adult son's, how do you act when you go to stay

48 replies

MaggieMcGill · 30/11/2018 15:12

Help me get some perspective please. My Pil's have recently moved back from living overseas for years. I met DP while they were overseas so I had only met them for a week or so every few years. It only recently that we have really started to get to know each other properly. They still don't live near us however and need to stay here when they visit us but visits are now much more frequent.

However, they are far too 'helpful' for my liking and I feel like I'm expected to revert back to being a child. For what it's worth, I'm not lazy, the house is clean and the fridge full. They just always seem to take over when they stay and I feel like I'm in their home not my own. For example, they always want to cook dinner, do the shopping, do the ironing, clean do diy jobs all without being asked to. Is this normal and I'm just being a brat? I want to tell them to stop without being rude. I want my kitchen back!!

OP posts:

Justkeeprollingalong · 01/12/2018 17:49

Has not had.
Can we please have an edit button Mumsnet?!

Momasita · 01/12/2018 21:23

How does he feel about it?

I used to love my dad cooking he was a brilliant cook and didn't cook to prove how shite our cooking was... It was a treat and I loved going shopping with him too. He would buy tons of treats, chuck everything into trolly whereas dh and I have to be carful with our money.

Pils however... Well.

Yes kitchen is very territorial... We have to honour her cooking (bland gillian mckeith type stuff) praise her for being so kind as to cook this amazing food for us and make it known we can't cook and yes it's her talent 🙄🙄🙄

In fact I would have never understood territorial kitchen, or terratorial anything until I met pils...

Momasita · 01/12/2018 21:32

backforgood

It depends, many actions are not kindness.

Some are raw anger.

My dm did everything in kindness my pils do things because they think we are useless

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Original poster

MaggieMcGill · 01/12/2018 21:33

Thanks for alll the comments folks! It's erm certainly make me think a little. Can I just mention that we don't have any kids. It's just the two of us. So, we are not exhausted, we don't have piles of washing up and we don't need a cleaner. I also don't need anyone coming into my house and taking over which is exactly what is happening here. Why can't they just act like normal people? It's not hard!

OP posts:

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 02/12/2018 07:15

My MIL shops on her way here and cooks at our house. It used to piss me off because she does things differently to me but actually I've come to realise that she's uncomfortable sitting around and would rather be "doing", and she loves us and wants to provide for us.
I just embrace it now, it comes from a good place.

SonEtLumiere · 02/12/2018 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surfskatefamily · 02/12/2018 07:31

They sound great, send them to mine please

Bloodybridget · 02/12/2018 07:31

When DP and I stay with her DD we do try to be helpful around the house, we clear up in the kitchen, fold laundry, tidy up toys etc., but we ask before cooking a meal or buying food. DD has a partner and two young DCs. I hope we don't overstep the mark , I don't feel like we do.

I can understand OP feeling uncomfortable with PILs taking over all those tasks, it can feel like an implied criticism - "you're not competent enough to manage all this, we'll show you how it's done".

Birdie6 · 02/12/2018 07:51

I have an adult son and yes I do things like this. I regard it as "paying my way". I don't like to arrive at someone's house and then sit like the Queen of Sheba being waited on....so I make myself useful.

VenusClapTrap · 02/12/2018 08:08

I understand OP. My PIL do this, and it absolutely does my head in. MIL even rearranges my cupboards. They bring a Volvo full of food and kitchen equipment with them, and used to bring their own towels until I once exploded “MIL, we are not savages! We have towels! We have potato peelers!”

I minded it a lot more before I had kids so I can completely understand where you are coming from. I had lived on my own perfectly competently for a decade before moving in with her son, and it felt like a comment on my ability to be an adult, and a host. Massively invasive.

I was brought up in a family in which guests were guests and hosts were hosts. Guests would ask if they could help with the washing up, and it would be politely declined. Everyone knew where they were. There was none of this making yourself at home nonsense.

Now I’ve learned to tolerate PIL’s behaviour and accepted they will not change. The unhelpful diy has mercifully stopped because FIL has a bad back now. I find it’s best to cope with the kitchen takeover by just staying out of the kitchen as much as possible - otherwise I feel like I’m out of control; it’s a feeling almost like suffocating.

When I’m at theirs I get childish satisfaction from putting the washing up back in the wrong cupboards. “Take that, trifle bowl! In the plate cupboard you go. You look much better in there.”

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/12/2018 08:17

The shopping and cooking I wouldn't mind, the cleaning I think I'd find a bit invasive and possibly view it as a criticism. If they're genuinely nice people though, I'd try and see it as being helpful, as long as they weren't cleaning in my bedroom!

Regarding the DIY, could you try directing your FIL to things that you'd like him to do, rather than him decide for himself? Or really, your DH should be doing that.

whenwillthetwitchstrike · 02/12/2018 08:19

My parents do this when they come & stay and DH and I love it. It is so nice to be looked after once in a while, not have to think about what is for dinner, not have to check you've remembered to put the dishwasher on and that sort of stuff.
PIL on the other hand expect to have meals cooked for them, don't get involved in doing bath/bed but nor do they have a quick tidy downstairs whilst we're doing that whereas my parents divide & conquer with one doing bath/bed whilst the other tidies up and begins dinner prep.

MaisyPops · 02/12/2018 08:29

It all depends on the relationship you have.

If you live close by, get on well and go round often then the odd mucking in isn't going to be an issue, but if you're not that close then them trying to do everything is probably more a takeover mission and would be annoying (whereas if they offered to cook on Friday night then you could accept the offer and that's that)

My mum mucks in when she stays. Our family approach is that family chips in, but with food we would ask first.

NorthernKnickers · 02/12/2018 08:38

I'm now wondering if my own two adult DC are secretly seething every time I visit...

😂 not really...they actively beg me to go so that I do those things for them 😄 Cheeky mares ♥️♥️

CherryPavlova · 02/12/2018 08:51

Ours is 24 and his girlfriend 22. We don’t stay over with them; they prefer to come to us and theyrevonly half an hour away. His girlfriend brings things for me to mend as she can’t sew. They empty the freezer of home cooked food to to take home. In between the do food shopping on my Tesco account and use my husband’s Amazon. If we go over there to drop the dog off or just to see them, they have a nice meal out planned - which we pay for. I don’t think his girlfriend is ready to play perfect hostess yet!
Our eldest daughter does like playing hostess with the mostest. I wouldn’t dream of undermining her burgeoning confidence in household management. She bakes scones and serves tea in cups and saucers whilst my husband tries to teach her boyfriend DIY. I say try because my husband is not good at DIY. I do tell her that cups and saucers are a bit infra but she likes them; who am I to insist on a decent mug? If we go out, we pay. She is now as good a cook as me technically but still spends too much because she hasn’t learned the art of making food go further. Hopefully, she’ll never need to but may want to step back from Marcus Waring creations to macaroni cheese at some point. She has a cleaner so no, I wouldn’t clean at her house but we might change the bed together or fold laundry together.

BackforGood · 02/12/2018 09:08

I think VenusClapTrap must be my PiL. It took me a long, long time to grasp the concept of them hosting a full day of about 12 people round and refusing to let anyone else make a cuppa or collect up the dirty plates let alone wash up.

I watched dh's sister and brother's partners have the same struggle when they first joined the family too.
It's ridiculous to me - you have several adults there, share the load, don't martyr yourself. To my mind it makes hosting people into a "big event" rather than a relaxed time everyone can enjoy. I'd consider it pretty rude if someone came to stay with me and expected to be waited on hand and foot.

VenusClapTrap · 02/12/2018 10:24

I'd consider it pretty rude if someone came to stay with me and expected to be waited on hand and foot.

But you see I’d find it pretty rude if I was invited to stay somewhere and then expected to do the cooking and cleaning.

Rogueone · 02/12/2018 10:31

My advice is that if you don’t want them to do that in your house ask them to stop. It will only get worse if your planning to have children!

continuallychargingmyphone · 02/12/2018 10:33

I would hate this OP and I agree with some that it is rude.

BunnyColvin · 02/12/2018 10:35

I'd have loved this. I had to put up with my lazy arse ex-PILs who wouldn't even lift a finger to make their own cuppa or get a plate for themselves. Don't miss that!

Then again, I'm not territorial about my kitchen and I don't especially like to cook so this would be a win win for me.

Saying that, if you don't like it, you need to say or at least agree that they can do some things and only some things, then list those things?

starfishmummy · 02/12/2018 10:44

I wouldn't like it much either. There's a difference between "Shall I start Dinner tonight?" And me saying "Yes, there's xxxxx ingredients in the fridge" and someone buying and cooking something.

smurfy2015 · 02/12/2018 18:52

My OH mum who we regard as my MIL (she buys me Xmas cards for DIL), I live on my own as OH and I have decided not to live together until we marry.

As I became chronically ill physically and my physical health declined, I can't thank her enough for all the things she has done to help me. As much as helped me shower when I couldn't do so myself, helped me to the toilet, embarrassing yes but necessary. She has made food, shopped, had the house ready for me coming home from hospital (heating on, fresh food in), cooked, cleaned, washed clothes and generally been a brilliant friend and confidante to me.

My partner is unable to be the one to step in and do all this when I cant as he went down after I got ill with a neurological condition which has impacted greatly on his life so she cares for him too. He is not functioning at this time at all. He has less than 6 hours a week where he is more with it.

Yes, I felt awful at the beginning and that my space was invaded and guilty that she was doing x or y. Now I accept that she is doing it when needed from a place of love and does this off her own bat as I have carers now (which she helped me fight for).

I appreciate her and show her in different ways and I help her with various things that she asks for a hand with (usually computer stuff and ordering).

ZenNudist · 02/12/2018 18:56

My parents especially but sometimes DH's parents come over to stay and cook for us. My parents always cook. The age of parents have been them to shop for this particularly when I had very very small babies. For context they know full well that I am a very good cook. They are just trying to be nice and helpful. Admittedly I do think my dad is a bit controlling / only wants things his way. But he's a good cook and he brings the food and drink so I left him at it!!

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