My 10 year old daughter has no friends at school

[Carameline]

My daughter, is of course not perfect, but is genuinely caring,funny and intelligent has been struggling with friends since year 2. She is desperately upset feeling she must be horrible or doing something wrong (of course I have reassured her she isn't). She seems to get friendly with one or two girls each year then gets rejected/excluded. We are again hearing she is being told 'theres no room' for her to play a game, she can't sit with them at lunch etc. These girls seem to form a clique and my daughter is never part of that. We have been in to school several times before and things pick up for a while then fall down again. I try asking for play dates and get excuses over and over so stop asking. She does do activities outside school and enjoys them but they don't lead to actual friendships. I hate to see her like this and the issue keeps coming back. Any advice please??

No advice but I had very few friends at primary school, and no lasting ones.

Secondary was better, and uni was fab. I have brilliant friendships now (in my 30s); much better than many of the ‘popular’ kids from my school.

It’s hard now but she’s definitely not doomed forever! Some of us just need a bit longer to find our tribe.

Maybe she is just unlucky that there is no one amongst the group in her class that she clicks with.

Is there any chance that she maybe be lacking in her social skills in some way and unintentionally annoying the others?

I take it if she’s 10 she’s probably towards the end of primary. I know it’s hard but I’d just sit it out (providing no one is being nasty) you’ve done all you can and just keep encouraging those out of school friendships.

My DD was like this and looking back I can see she just didn’t gel with the small number of girls in her class. She started high school met loads of friends who were her sort of people and never looked back.

Yes, was the same as the poster above - I had very few or no friends at times in school but made friends in university. The one thing I would advise is to make home a safe comfortable place for her. My parents always put such a focus on my lack of friends and put pressure on me to socialise and it just made me anxious and unhappy.

Is there any chance your daughter might have autism? I know a few children who had difficulty fitting in socially and it turned out they had autism - but it wasn’t very ‘obvious’ before they were diagnosed.

Thanks for replies. I don't think there are issues with social skills from seeing her interact and conversations with school. I remember myself making good friends at senior and reassure her about that it's just been going on so long it's affecting her self esteem ☹️. She has one young friend / neighbour out of school that's all. I find it heartbreaking

My niece had similar problems during the last couple of years of primary school, but really blossomed when she changed schools to start Year 7. Hopefully it will be the same for your DD.

No pressure from us just being directed by her /what she wants. No indication of autism..emotionally and socially aware and skilled. Im going to go into school again as she says I can mainly because one girl is being actively very unpleasant at times but otherwise I can't see they can do much as can't force friendships ☹️☹️

I found the book by patty criswell: friends making them and keeping them published by American girl really helped my daughter.
Also, be honest about your dds personality traits and then you can help her. My dd was a sheep liable to go along with anything just to keep friends, this left her very vulnerable to being dumped when the next exciting person came along. We worked on her self esteem and the role play exercises in the book really helped her find her voice, she now says what she thinks and is a much happier girl.

School can't make children be friends, and it is one of the most heart breaking things to see your child unhappy, but if school aren't able to help, you need to try something else.
Are there any outside clubs where she could go to bond with children from school or the local area: a sports or scouts type club, or a drama club. These types of activities are good for building confidence and social skills.
I know you have said you tried to organize play dates but I am confused as to what you have encountered, most people where I live would bite your hand off to have someone else take their child after school for a few hours. Weekends are harder because of family commitment so maybe try another tack? Don't you know any of the other mums to ask them what they do?
My dd had loads of problems at primary, high school is better.

Thanks I'll try the book sounds helpful. I do wonder with past let downs whether she is a sheep similarly??

Ilovedolly. With playdates in other years we have had some occasional success but same girls who were coming over still wouldn't include actually at school. More recently I got busy, family meal, got plans etc which I presume is polite for their daughter not interested really which is okay (although bit embarrassing). Goes to netball club, girls football etc and has done brownies and all sorts before but no translation to friendships outside activity 😣

School may be able to help if you explicitly see or speak to pastoral person.

We both have an elsa person and pastoral person who can both discuss issues at school as well as self esteem issues.

There's also friendship groups at lunch and a friendship bench outside as well as the teacher being able to pair people up that might get on.

Have same with Ds... Our plan is to ride out primary and hope high school opens up options of new friend. DD was excluded from playing with others by one particular child who still has it in for D's(but only when staff aren't watching) to the point all the core friendships have been formed without D's.

I fill as much time out of school as possible: after school events, doing things at weekend so D's doesn't have time to contemplate not having people round. Mainly have to reassure him it's not him it's how events have shaped the class, and just take each day as it comes x

My dd is 12yo and is similar, depressingly I haven't found its gotten any easier at secondary tbh. She makes friends but they seem to muck her about and dump her if they get a better offer.

I don't get it as she is a nice girl, maybe slightly young for her age but caring and chatty.

DD was like this all through primary school, she’d make one good friend and then they would leave the school. By year 6 there were just 12 girls in her class of 34.
We had to just ride it out, she’s in year 7 now and has made some great friends, she’s ditched the primary kids and has made her own friendships with new kids who she has more in common with than just being in the same class all day.

I'm sorry to hear about these other kiddies who have same issues XX it sounds as though quite a few of us are clinging on til secondary.

My DS was like this for most of primary school - he was just incredibly shy and unable to mix it with the more assertive children. I got him into a couple of team sports and that really helped - he was in the team with children from his class, and those relationships translated into school friendships.

Try some team sports, or girl guides - something where they make real friendships through the activities. And try to make sure that some children from her class are there too. Good luck !

My daughter struggled at primary and I'm afraid has also struggled at secondary. I'm now reading a book called Helping the child who doesn't fit in and it's quite helpful although it's harder to deal with now she's a self conscious teen! If you can work on her social skills now I would. The book mentioned talks mainly about non verbal communication being an issue. I've noticed my daughter's awkward stance and funny facial expressions set her apart.

Carameline We went thru’ exactly the same thing - it’s so hard to see as a parent. Secondary school changed everything. I know it’s tough right now but I am sure it will improve when she moves up to Y7 and the amount of possible friends increases greatly. In the meantime, try to make home life as lovely as you can. Hang in there.

Thanks for some lovely supportive comments. Although I'm lucky enough to have a few close friends I'm not good at sharing worries at times so being a Mumsnet virgin has been a very positive experience tonight

I was the same in primary school. In secondary school it got much better - went from having about 30 kids in my year group at primary to about 300 in secondary. Finally there were other people who liked the same things I did, and it turned out that I wasn't weird or ugly after all. Gradually, I found friends - each year was better than the one before.

What about the boys in her year? You said she's into girls football and does clubs so maybe a friend that is a boy might be more relatable to her? Perhaps school can encourage some of the boys to help her out a bit and give her some of her confidence back by letting her join in on some footy games? Just a thought

Just wondering how this turned out, as I have the same issue with my 9 year old son. I think its more down to him not sharing any interest with anyone in his year as he's not sporty and just lives for music and dancing. Again, breaks my heart and going into Y5 at primary I struggle getting him into school

Looking for some advice on the same issue, did anybody have some news on what happened with the girls/boys mentioned in this thread? My daughter is 10, in yr 6 and having real trouble with friends, it’s like the friends she had have gone and formed a clique and don’t let her near them. Because of all this she is anxious and been absent from school. She is telling me she can’t go back to school because she doesn’t have anyone, it’s totally heartbreaking.

Talk to the school. They should offer some support - social exclusion is a form of bullying.