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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about why someone said to our daughter!!!

51 replies

Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 20:45

We have 5 children. Eldest son and daughter are adopted, the other 3 biological. Funnily enough they all look the same!

Anyway, daughter has always been very firm in not wanting anyone to know she is adopted. She is the single most amazing 11 year old girl I know. She is kind, absolutely hilarious and incredibly level headed.

Anyway, on the school playground today (it was dress down day and she had her hair cut and plaited last night ). One of the parents who we know as a family came up to us. He looked at our daughter and said 'oh you look very pretty today. You can't belong to your parents. Are you sure you aren't adopted?!'

It was one of those heart stopping moments. He has no idea that yes, she is adopted Shock and it was a few moments of very awkward ailences and we laughed it off. My daughter didn't really react but I just can't stop thinking about it :-(

I can't address it with this man because he has no idea and my daughter doesn't like people knowing that don't need to know. But I'm worried that my daughter is thinking about it and that it's upset her. She's been a bit quiet tonight but I also could absolutely be reading into it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
ItsAHardKn0ckLife1 · 27/11/2018 20:48

Seems a bit of a strange thing for him to say!

Have you spoken to your daughter about it?

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 27/11/2018 20:48

I think I would say to her that she shouldn't worry about the insensitive comment. He obviously didn't think she was adopted or he would never have said something like that. Maybe wait to see if she brings it up and wants to talk about it. It probably is a good idea to talk about these things, though.

formerbabe · 27/11/2018 20:48

I'd tell her that he was joking. If he truly thought she was adopted, he wouldn't have said that. It's because she looks so much like you, that he felt confident enough to make that 'joke'. Do you see what I mean?

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Sparrowlegs248 · 27/11/2018 20:50

I used to get this a lot, and I'm not adopted. Just twice as tall as the rest of my family!

Mayhemmumma · 27/11/2018 20:54

I'd say something along the lines of hope you're ok after that silly comment today, sometimes people make jokes and don't realise they might upset someone.

Bunnybigears · 27/11/2018 20:54

Surely it was just a joke. Yes given the fact it actually is true it wasnt a very funny joke but he wasnt to know that. Like when I made a joke where I said "Im sure your Mam is very proud of you" to only find out from another colleague that the person I made the comment to had lost their mum earlier that year. People have made jokes about my kids not being mine as they are blonde and blue eyes and I have dark hair and eyes. They have also regularly been told by various members of the family they were found under a gooseberry bush. I would tell her that people making those sort of jokes just proves that they have zero idea of the reality of the situation.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/11/2018 20:54

I think it's one of those really cack -handed intended compliments, where he just hasn't thought it through.... maybe have a word with her, and reassure her that he meant she looked great, and was meaning the adopted part to indicate looking quite different to her parents? Upsetting though, I agree.

MotherWol · 27/11/2018 20:55

I think I’d try to explain that sometimes people say things which are thoughtless and can be hurtful, without meaning to upset us, and that the best thing to do is to try and ignore it and move on. Hope she’s feeling better soon.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/11/2018 20:55

I think it was a very Ham-fisted way of paying her a compliment. Ageee that he obviously doesn’t think she’s adopted or he would never have said it.

HollowTalk · 27/11/2018 20:55

Go and talk to her now and tell her it was that guy's idea of a joke and it wasn't funny, but he didn't actually think she was adopted.

birdladyfromhomealone · 27/11/2018 20:56

I was also adopted and if someone said that to me as a child or even now I would be over sensitive about it.
please talk to your DD

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/11/2018 21:11

Your poor DD. But I agree with a PP that it's the kind of joke that you would only make if you were certain it wasn't true. So really it's a compliment in that he must have 100% assumed that she wasn't adopted.

YearOfYouRemember · 27/11/2018 21:14

I think he was trying to be funny. Telling your dd she looks pretty to boost her while simultaneously implying you can't be related as you don't look pretty.

Tell your dd he's an idiot and didn't think. He knows nothing. I'd look into why she feels the way she does that adoption has to be a sad secret.

Bluerussian · 27/11/2018 21:15

Some people just open their mouths and say tactless stuff without thinking. They shouldn't!

Talk to your daughter about the incident, as you say she may be dwelling on it. Talking to you will help.

Bless her heart.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/11/2018 21:16

Talk to your DD. Surely that’s obvious? Go and touch base with her. Give her a hug.

MotherOfDragonite · 27/11/2018 21:19

It's really insensitive. He was trying to be funny but it obviously never occurred to him that it could be true!

I don't think I'd say anything to him. He can just be an insensitive twat; it's not your job to school him.

Maybe just let your daughter know that you're around to spend time with, and see if she comes out with anything? It might just be that she would love to curl up on the sofa with you with some popcorn and watch a film. But you're right to wonder, and she's probably got it at the back of her mind at the very least and could do with some extra love.

It's funny, sometimes people come out with exactly the thing that you've been trying to avoid saying and it's like a prompt to think about it. I can understand why she might not want people to know that she's adopted, but could it also be an opportunity for you to talk more to her about why?

Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:21

Yes he definitely didn't mean any offence and I'm sure he'd be mortified if he knew

May I just reassure you all that we couldn't be any closer and we talk about everything, We've been on a massive long walk tonight and put the world to rights and have been cuddled up on the sofa watching Christmas films. This girl is my whole world.

I just wasn't sure whether to directly address it with her incase I am reading into her being quiet. I may very well be reading into it far more than she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:24

Motherofdragonite yes that's very true. It stems back to her telling one friend when she was much younger and this friend saying that her siblings arent her 'real' siblings. It upset her so much as we are all real parents, siblings and family.
The adoption just never really comes up unless it's her asking about when we first got her etc. She has so far not been interested to know anything but it's not a closed conversation.

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 27/11/2018 21:25

Sounds like you are already doing the right things! I think she'll raise it if she wants to, when she's ready to talk. And that it was super important that you were around for her today even if she wasn't keen to talk about it then.

hidinginthenightgarden · 27/11/2018 21:26

Talk to her. You may well be reading into her being quiet or she may be thinking that you have already told him.

LivLemler · 27/11/2018 21:26

If you were reading too much into it and she wasn't bothered at all - what would she think if you said "I hope that comment didn't bother you this morning, are you ok?". Because I suspect she wouldn't mind you asking in that case, and would understand why you would ask. So there's no disadvantage in gently raising it, if that makes sense? But obviously you know your daughter best to gauge her reaction.

Rarfy · 27/11/2018 21:27

It was a really back handed way of making a nice comment about dd. You could raise it from a jokey angle that he obviously thinks dd is much better looking than you or dp and cant believe you could produce such offspring. Cheeky bugga!

Singlenotsingle · 27/11/2018 21:28

Its so easy to say the wrong thing! I was talking to a little boy last week aged about 6. He was talking about cars in a book we were reading, and I said " ooh you know such a lot about cars! Does your daddy like cars?" He said " I haven't got a daddy!" Shock

Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:30

Going to mention it to her as about to put her to bed.

Oh god yes it's so easy to say things that are unfortunate isn't it??!!! It's mortifying when you realise!!!

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 27/11/2018 21:30

It is funny, the boy I first dated when I was 18 had two adopted siblings. It was quite easy to guess that they were adopted because the other two were both mixed race while my boyfriend and his parents were white and had totally different colouring. But the truly magical thing was that the three siblings had so many of the same mannerisms, expressions, and ways of being in the world that you would also know that they were siblings instantly when you saw them! I still think of them all every time anyone talks about adoption as they were so very clearly the most real kind of family possible.

I wonder if your daughter would have a different experience if she told a friend now.

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