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Original poster

Can't stop thinking about why someone said to our daughter!!!

51 replies

Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 20:45

We have 5 children. Eldest son and daughter are adopted, the other 3 biological. Funnily enough they all look the same!

Anyway, daughter has always been very firm in not wanting anyone to know she is adopted. She is the single most amazing 11 year old girl I know. She is kind, absolutely hilarious and incredibly level headed.

Anyway, on the school playground today (it was dress down day and she had her hair cut and plaited last night ). One of the parents who we know as a family came up to us. He looked at our daughter and said 'oh you look very pretty today. You can't belong to your parents. Are you sure you aren't adopted?!'

It was one of those heart stopping moments. He has no idea that yes, she is adopted Shock and it was a few moments of very awkward ailences and we laughed it off. My daughter didn't really react but I just can't stop thinking about it :-(

I can't address it with this man because he has no idea and my daughter doesn't like people knowing that don't need to know. But I'm worried that my daughter is thinking about it and that it's upset her. She's been a bit quiet tonight but I also could absolutely be reading into it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 27/11/2018 21:31

You dont say how your other adopted child feels about it. Do they have to keep it quiet or not know. How will you deal with this when they are teens if one tells peers it could lead to questions about any of the others I suppose.

tempester28 · 27/11/2018 21:31

I think you could try and put a positive spin on it. As others have said he obviously has no clue that she is adopted. You could talk to her and point out that she is not viewed by others as being any different than your other children. Or something along those lines. It probably is very positive actually!

MotherOfDragonite · 27/11/2018 21:31

It's interesting, isn't it, how much these apparently 'throwaway' comments can have an impact even years down the line.

Goes to show that we just can't be careful enough to be sensitive and kind on our reactions.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/11/2018 21:32

I agree that it was an extremely clumsy and clichéd way to pay a compliment. I think that people hear it, think it's witty and trot it out whenever they think of it. Bit like "Are you the milkman's?". My brothers and I were always asked that as we don't look alike and none of us look like our parents either.

I also agree that he probably be very sad to think that he'd upset your daughter in his silly comment. So your daughter can take comfort that her 'secret' is still a secret and unless she wants it disclosed, it will not be so she'll have to put up with daft comments just like the rest of us do.

I must say that you sound a very lovely and close family and you're all very lucky (although that's the wrong word really) to have each other. :)

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 27/11/2018 21:36

This girl is my whole world

You have 5 kids, not 1.

The bloke made a comment that never used to upset people...it’s a throwaway ‘dig comment’, the sort that used to make people laugh. It’s no wonder so many people are unhappy these days, no one has a sense of humour anymore.

Instead of making it a big deal, you could have simply waited until he was out of earshot and said something reassuring like ‘I love it when people think you look just like me xx’

I’m sorry if either of you were upset, but you’re definitely making too much of it.

Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:36

Our adopted son just started sixth form. He doesn't keep it secret from his friends at all, but he's a typical lad and isn't interested in it. He always says 'my parents are legends for a fully choosing to have us, cos I don't know why they would' haha. He's amazing.

You're all very right, this actually could be very positive and thank you for the lovely words. We are very open if they ever choose to talk about it, but we also never mention it in day to day chat as it doesn't matter a jot. We are parents of 5 lovely children, and they are all siblings. We are very lucky really.

Actually though, our adopted children are far nicer than our biological ones LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:39

Ilovetreesinautumn
Thanks for the reminder that I have 5 children and not 1. Our house is so quiet that I often think I have an only child Hmm
Saying she's my whole world was also a throw away comment.... It's an expression.

I am one of the most difficult people to offend. However, when something like that is said which is very close to the bone, I am sure you can understand my concerns for my 11 year old child!!

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 27/11/2018 21:41

I really don't think you can afford to be sensitive to this stuff - people say well meaning stuff all that me time that just doesn't matter until it does if that makes sense.

My dd is gorgeous and people have always expressed surprise we created her (she's been adopted by her dad) - people say daft things and I think if the intent is to compliment or please you you should let them off the hook.

With my dd I'd have been like 'little did he know, ha ha' and we'd have done silly voices for the man and getting more daft each time.

Maybe yours needs a little reminder - from a wasn't that lovely so and so thinks you're so gorgeous angle? So you can test the waters a bit?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/11/2018 21:42

Ilovetrees, I have 2 children. Sometimes one is more my focus than the other and I'm rooting for them in that circumstances. I'd easily say the same thing. I love them both the same and would do anything for either of them.

Don't criticise and correct another parent for how they feel about their children and describe a situation that affected one of them, not the other adopted child and not the other three. Completely unnecessary and a bit unkind.

Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:43

Anyway, I have just spoken to her. I just mentioned it in passing and she said she thinks it's amazing how much her and her siblings look like each other and that it's like magic. She actually wasn't upset at all and definitely didn't take his comment literally. She said she's been quiet tonight as she's a bit worried about a high school trial day tomorrow. So glad I mentioned it

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/11/2018 21:44

I think Noeuf's suggestion is very good. Forewarned is forearmed and, if your daughter is a bit sensitive to this or other things, an armoury of in-jokes, glances and familial pride reassurances that outsiders don't get to share, would be a very good idea.

Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:45

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:46

Yes love those ideas and angles. Definitely going to learn from this for the future as I'm sure these type of things will happen again.

OP posts:
PavlovaFaith · 27/11/2018 21:50

What an unfortunate comment.

I think this is a good moment to discuss the implications of your daughter keeping the secret. When people know the whole truth, they can be sensitive to people's situations, but keeping up the secrecy means she has to understand that people MIGHT slip up and she has to learn to laugh it off.

She sounds like a wonderfully strong individual.

Haffdonga · 27/11/2018 21:50

Actually though, our adopted children are far nicer than our biological ones LOL

You're joking of course . We all get that. But it surprises me that you find it appropriate/ funny to make a not funny joke comparing your adopted and bio dcs yet you are offended or upset by the comments of bad joking parent. Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/11/2018 21:55

Because none of the children are on the thread perhaps? Perhaps OP is letting off steam perhaps? OP's talking of her own family, not anybody else's so I'm struggling to understand why you'd need to pull her up on a throwaway comment that she obviously doesn't mean.

I understand OP totally but I don't get why there are so many posters just desperate to put the knife in? Sad and pathetic.

LadyPasserine · 27/11/2018 21:55

It’s just coincidence. You are reading too much into it, or you wouldn’t have opened this thread.

TrexDrip · 27/11/2018 21:56

Glad she is OK about it all. If she doesn't want people to know about her adoption that is fine but is she OK with it all?
Have you done life story work with her?
Adoption is not to be ashamed of or kept quiet.
We are very open about our kids adoption and talk about it alot both at home and to others but we only have 2 adopted children and no birth children to compare against.
People need to be more open about adoption instead of it being something you can try and bully someone about or make a joke out of it. I really hate that people think they can still joke about adoption. After all people (mostly) don't joke about race or sexuality anymore so why does adoption make people different?

Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 21:57

Haffdonga
I wasn't offended by it. He clearly had no idea and is a nice bloke. I was just worried for the implications of what he said considering it was so unfortunate!!! I am sure I have put my foot in it many times during my life time, that's not in question. I was simply thinking about my daughter in this instance

I enjoy banter and jokes and am not easily offended. I was worried for my daughter but was in no way cross with this man

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosesarered2018 · 27/11/2018 22:02

Thank you so much lyingwitchin.... I don't understand it either. Was just a worried parent. Very odd how some people want to be so unkind. Thank you for your support.

Trexdrip - hello :) yes all of that and memory boxes and all sorts. She just isn't interested (at the moment) She's not ashamed to be adopted but she just doesn't like the questions and doesn't like how unkind children can be. She's very switched on and likes to play her cards close to her chest.

Anyway thanks everyone, glad it's all sorted now. Feel lots better. Good night

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/11/2018 22:08

Glad it's sorted op and I agree with the others it's just something you say when you're sure it's not true.

I recall at school going into see the guidance teacher with my best friend and he looked at her and said " what's wrong with your face, you look like your granny just died". At which point she turned and walked out the room crying, as I looked at him in a panic and said " her granny has just died, we just came to tell you as she has to go home".

His face was a picture of horror. One of those moments I think.

DishingOutDone · 27/11/2018 22:13

Its an old fashioned "joke" isn't it - like "do you take after the milkman?!"

BrieAndChilli · 27/11/2018 22:26

I used to hate it when people commented on how me and my sister looked like our dad. Me and my sister are biological siblings and look very alike, but when anyone said we looked like someone in our family it used to drive me crazy as obviously we weren’t biologically related. As an adult I realise it just one of those things people say

Troels · 27/11/2018 23:19

I'm glad to hear your Dd is OK about what was said Roses. My Dd (who's adopted) would probably have been very sensitive about it, even though she too looks just like her brother who isn't adopted.
She does tend to make mountains out of molehills and get anxious about things others see as non issues, we are working on it.

PerfectlyImperfectx · 27/11/2018 23:38

Your DD sounds lovely and very mature for her age. As an adopted child (now late 20’s) with both birth parents deceased, I can honestly say it doesn’t often cross my mind and certainty doesn’t define me. Your daughter sounds very sensible, adoption can be a taboo subject and many many people do not understand enough about it to discuss it. I can’t tell you the amount of people who would tell me I looked ‘just like your mum’. We couldn’t be more opposite physically Hmm Then when my stepsister came into the mix, a lot of people presumed we were full siblings despite the fact she is very olive skinned and I am extremely fair skinned. The man you referred to sounds like he made an honest (uncalled for) misjudgment! I’m glad your DD isn’t upset.