Help!!!! We need to make a decision tonight!!

[Dangit]

We’ve been planning a relocation for a year. The job offer has come in and we need to let them know tomorrow. It means moving 200 miles away from family and friends. School places are uncertain at his point, as is the housing situation.
We would be moving to west Cornwall. We told the kids (5,8,9) it was happening yesterday (they have been expecting it) but they were so so upset. It felt horrible.
I don’t want to be afraid to change our lives but at this point it doesn’t feel like for the better with how the kids feel.

Any advice welcome!!!

I have moved the children some years ago and yes it is upsetting for them to move away from school and friendships. However life still goes on in those classes when they leave and new children will take their place, as is what will happen when they take up at a new school. I believe it is best to leave the friendships behind and concentrate on the future, it will happen very naturally. When you move you need to concentrate on making new ones and not dwelling on maintaining past friendships. As they say, do not look back, that is not the way you are going. Of course I am in no way heartless and it will be sad, but presented it your children as an exciting opportunity. Good luck.

Best to rent out your home and take a rental rather than selling so you don't completely lose out if you don't like it.

My family are Cornish and they are a pretty insular lot, don't take too kindly to newcomers and, like a lot of Cornish folk hardly any of them go to the beach!

It is an economically disadvantaged area so a lot of people don't have a lot of ££ nor high expectations in life, it's pretty wet and bleak year round and a long way from anywhere!

If you live in walking distance to the beach you can expect long queues to get out along the narrow country roads whenever you want to go anywhere especially in high season and most of the other houses within walking distance of the sea are often holiday/second homes and so locked up/empty and out of season.

My parents moved 3 of us from a small village in the North of Scotland to a city when I was 8. I hated it at first as school was more formal - we had to wear uniform!

Now I think it was the best thing they could have done, especially when I was a teenager.

But that was the other way round to what you are planning.

My DP moved from a city to a small Welsh village at the age of 12 and he reckoned the education he got was better than at his inner city comprehensive.

As other pps have said the kids may have to move away to find jobs or attend uni but I left home at 17 to go to uni and have never lived back there since so I don't think it matters where you are. Admittedly I could have stayed at home for uni so I suppose there was more choice in that respect.

I think that your children are perfect ages to move. They’re upset because they cannot imagine new friends and new schools etc.
I moved when my eldest ds was almost 9. He really didn’t want to go, he cried when the for sale board changed to sold. But it’s been brilliant for him. He was a shy child before but being the new boy at school and then at a new cub group bought him out of his shell and moving to secondary school a few years later was a breeze for him as he’d already experienced a big change.
My younger ds was almost 4 so not at school so it was easier to move him.
If I were you I’d make a for and against list and take it from there.
Moving once the children are in secondary school is a no no so I’d do it now while you have the chance. Good luck!

I grew up in London, now live near Warwick but have relatives in Cornwall. I also have two almost grown up children.

Honestly - I wouldn't do it! The kids will be trapped and you will until they learn to drive end up ferrying them around. My niece who is nearly grown up hates living there. Boring and there really doesn't seem to be much in the way of expectations from anyone.

Are you renting at present? Buying and selling at present isn't great. Relatives house has been on the market for nearly 2 years but he is convinced he just needs to wait for the right buyer.

Sorry - I wouldn't do it at their ages

I have a friend who moved from London to Cornwall a year and a half ago - 2 young DCs. Their entire quality of life has changed and they've never been happier. I'd go for it, and would do the same if I was brave enough OP!!

Im in a similar boat, weve just relocated with DS10 and DD4
there was a bit of resistance from DS10 but we really had few choices in the matter since it was the best secure well paid opportunity that was presenting itself
We had to have bit of talk about how while we want to know what he feels and that he is happy, sometimes it has to be the adults who make the big choices, and that many children have to move areas(sometimes many times)

things that helped: visiting the area and letting him see schools/place
making contact with some social opportunities, sports club before hand (I appreciate this really isnt possible when you have to make a decision tonight!) discussing it as an adventure we were going to try for a while (1-2 years) since we would plan to move back if this doesn't work out, Making sure DS could keep in touch with friends eg controlled email, skype, letters etc

weve been here 3-4months now, DD has settled in well and is in the centre of everything at her new nursery, but its been a bit harder for DS, though he seems to be happy at school now, his sports clubs and other things were a really positive influence
The move has also given us much more time with the children and so weve had much more fun outdoors, lots of new experiences and opportunities which has made everything easier because they see the benefits

My dream is to move to Cornwall, at the moment my dd’s are stopping me, one attends a special needs school which took me years to get her into and the other would be devastated leaving her friends and is just starting gcse. If my dd’s We’re younger then I think I would go but it gets harder as they get onlder.

I wouldn’t do this because the economy there isn’t doing well so there are far fewer job options.

I think for younger kids, beaches, outdoors etc is fantastic. However, they don't stay young forever, and the pre-teens and teens hit, and then they really do want to do activities, shopping, go into the nearest big city. I think you need to think through if you are in an active busy town where that's going to be relatively easy or out in the sticks. What are the secondary schools like, I wouldn't worry so much about primary as they are all fairly similar (mine have been in three or four).

My children hated moving and cried and cried, but once we did it, they did eventually make friends, although one took about a year to adjust. We were moving into a city though where there's been a lot for them to do as teens and they can see the advantages of that.

We moved from the NW to France when the DCs were 8 & 10. They were both very nervous about it at first plus the fact they didn't speak any French! However after the first difficult 3 months they both settled into French speaking schools much better than we anticipated. 3 years on and they are both fluent in French and doing fantastic.

We took a pay cut to move but quality of life was much better so this made up for it. We went into rented accommodation at first then if we didn't like it then we could move back knowing we tried! We've just bought a house over here now and are loving it.

Life is too short not to take chances. Go for it! You can always go back if its not for you.

I would second renting out your property and renting something in Cornwall. Would this mean that you could book your places at you preferred school?

Regarding schools, we live an hour from London and have no choice of secondary school, they are all oversubscribed, Good with outstanding elements, no transport provided if you don’t go to the one in your small town, so this may not be too different for you. Clearly you do need to be mindful that there may only be spaces available in a struggling school, that would be the decider for me.

I think you should go for it, you will always regret it and be full of what ifs, if you don’t.

Moving in general (at about this age) will stand them in good stead in terms of building resilience - I moved country at age 10 and that was back when it really was 'goodbye for ever' (I had a card that said those exact words). It was hard at the time, but I was young enough to adapt and be accepted. I wouldn't go later than this, put it that way.

Regarding Cornwall, it does seem a bit like Pembrokeshire to me (i.e. economically downtrodden and with far too many people who are mentally stuck in the 1950s, plus a lot of frustrated younger lefties with no prospects/money to change anything). I don't know much about it though in fairness but that is the impression I got when there on holiday!

Strongly disagree that moving, in general, necessarily builds “resilience” - depends on all kinds of things, circumstances, how the move pans out, the individual DCs’ characteristics.

DH for example moved around a fair bit as a child (until age 11) and feels that - for him - this was detrimental, as do my cousins. Others may of course thrive.

Do it. Kids are resilliant and will.soon adapt and make new friends. Better before secondary than after imo

We moved an hour and a half from anyone we knew to be in a great child friendly area, good living, not too expensive etc. Never looked back. But then, saying that, it depends on how much you depend on physically seeing family, friends, etc.

Mine settled very happily too, we were living in a market town in Cheshire and I found it to be very insular at the time. They went to a four form entry Primary and although dauntingly large and I had my reservations initially as they had come from a small school it turned out great. They made lots of friends and the pastoral system was really good, I and am sure they never regretted it.

OP we have lived abroad several times so our 3DDs moved around the world a lot when they were small. We stopped when the eldest was 10 because it's important I think to have stability in secondary school. So I think your timing is excellent as your 3 are all still in primary school. Mine are in their 20s now and I agree with the PP who said it builds resilience & independence.

Accept the job, you are not tied until you sign the contract, presumably they take up references etc first. This will give you time to think.
Don't give notice in current job until the new one is in the bag.

I would have no qualms about moving primary aged dcs (and I’m a deep thinking , over sensitive tree hugger).
You need to go! The adventure ! The newness! The SEA!!
If the job is something you are sure about take a deep breath , and make the move.
I moved lots as a kid. At the time it didn’t bother me, though It might have made me a bit rootless as an adult, but that’s ok.
Providing you are willing to keep the communication open about how they are doing it should be ok.

I totally understand the economic situation, it has been part of the reasons against, but I think we have chosen an area that is not too rural and not too far from Falmouth for the uni. I want to make sure my kids have independence so will make sure we are on bus routes etc. We are quite rural now (only 1 - eye watering lot expensive - bus every hour) and would ferry them around.

‘Sunglasses’ I am also near Warwick, and have lived in London. Roughly whereabouts are your family that find it boring? I found it very boring here as a teenager and couldn’t wait to leave.

I also like to think our children would be encouraged to make their in come flexible. Driving into town for work now during rush hour is horrendous. Imagine it in 15 years time?. Maybe naive too.
Oh god, I don’t know again now.
I think I may get my partner to send a randomly generated response and just live with it!

Are you thinking renting or buying ? If you’re not sure I’d rent out your current place - unless selling fees etc are not significant worry. Then all you lose is removals fees ( hopefully covered by company on way there ) for return. It’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. I am more towards mid- Cornwall there’s been a big change ( positive ) in the demographics in the last ten years for us. Use a speed test app to measure internet available in property. If your phone contract is renewing switch to cancellable SIM card deal until you find out who is best reception in your village. Buy decent walkie talkies on eBay ( and teach your kids about not using the emergency channels ) I found it better than crappy cell reception when kids out, cycling with a mate or at local park etc. Practical things we pay 64 quid for a 47kg lpg cylinder, check out the sw water charge www.southwestwater.co.uk/on-the-move/ it’s not insignificant, how the home is heated will matter re costs. When I speak to our village visitors the people who moved never have major regrets, the ones who had the chance and didn’t avail do! Kids do their own thing when they grow up - despite an edge of London Cornwall life balance available to them my ‘children’ moved abroad to be with people they met travelling, unless you have a never fails crystal ball / gift of premonition : who knows. Get a parish magazine to see what goes on where you choose to live, you might be surprised. Read the shop adverts. On insta check out general hashtags, remember google is your friend.Check out satellite maps of properties to avoid surprises. Never slag off anyone in the village until you know who is related - & married in etc set your gossip mode to receive not transmit just to be on the safe side. By us you have to make appointments for everything, not as off the cuff as upcountry - no just roll up mot’s etc.

Helston? Redruth? I'm from Penzance and I'd go home in a heartbeat. I'm only in Plymouth now.

You’ve been planning this for a year. If it wasn’t a good idea you would probably have realised it and abandoned it as a plan after a few months. Don’t chicken out now!

Seriously, you cannot let small children make such an important decision. They cannot possibly understand the long term lifestyle and economic implications and ramifications involved in this and it is too much responsibility for them. You are the adults here and have to act like adults making important choices for the longterm benefit of everyone involved. And whatever you do, dont let the children’s poor reaction to the idea of a change give you an excuse to give into last minute doubts. Change is always hard but you don’t want to look back with regret that you didn’t at least give this a try. .

Bite the bullet. Accept the job and then get excited for your new life.