"Did you mean to be so rude?" - any results from using this?

[DadDadDad]

It's almost a MN cliché to suggest saying "did you mean to be so rude?" as a tactic to confront someone who makes an unwelcome comment.

So discussion on another thread got me wondering:

1. Has anyone actually tried using it?
2. What response did it get?
3. If the response was "yes", did it help the situation?

We can use this thread as an evidence base (positive or negative) next time someone suggests the phrase on AIBU etc.

Yes. They stuttered a bit and a bit of back tracking and “that’s not what I mean” no then said ok so what did you mean? They were very embarrassed!

Thanks, Juniper. Anyone else, or are we basing it’s effectiveness on a sample of one?

its not it’s

I’m a secondary school teacher and have used it (gently!) on students. They do often seem suitably embarrassed!

I used it once on my mum. But I can't remember what she said now. I do know she apologised for whatever rude thing she'd said, though it obviously wasn't that bad or I'd have remembered it!

I did, a man was bloody rude about my fil standing in the aisle in a shop (he had dementia) so i pulled him up on it and asked him if he meant to be so rude. He blustered a bit, said he didn't think he was rude and I told him he was. He apologized and scuttled off.

I go with "what an odd thing to say". Works a treat.

OK, still waiting to hear an example of it backfiring...

So, no negative examples. You're all authorised to use this phrase at will!

Poor Will. All those people asking him if he meant to be so rude.

I've once used something similar ("Bit rude, don't you think?") in response to a comment nobody asked for and got told that I should relax and that they were "just trying to offer a bit of advice"!

I prefer to take a slightly amazed tone, slight head-tilt, and go (slowly and quietly) with:

"Wow! That was really rude."

Same tone as I might use if I heard a 7-year old deconstructing Kafka and found myself saying "Wow! That was really insightful."

I've replied in the past with a pause then "sorry, I didn't catch what you just said" and just look at them as if I'm waiting for them to repeat it.

I think it's a bit naff! Just be blunt and say they were rude.

No, it's too passive aggressive for me and a bit daft.

I do make this face though for a good few seconds and stare intently at them unblinkingly, and then just carry on like the person actually didn't say anything at all, I sort of blank them. I don't do it on purpose, just usually I'm a bit thrown when someone is rude for no reason.

But no I've never used it and I probably wouldn't.

I'm really angry with myself as I should have said it this week when someone insulted my appearance, but honestly I was so speechless from what they said, I didn't manage to say anything and have been kicking myself ever since.

I involuntarily raise my eye brow when people are rude. They always s look so shocked and shut right up. I’m the one who ends up embarrassed though

The only reasonable response to such a prissy pass agg question is "Yes. Now fuck off."

Agree with @bluntness100. I think the saying is naff and passive aggressive. Just do exactly as bluntness does

No but I have used 'I think you're slightly unhinged ' accompanied by the finger tapping/twirling gesture on the side of the head.

It worked like a charm, the mad parking cf slunk off muttering under his breath. It was a perfect MN moment

I’m not particularl advocating for this question, but all the evidence you’re giving today is for all alternatives. You may think it’s passive-aggressive etc but have you got actual examples of using this exact phrase and it not helping?

If anyone said that to me, I’d reply “yes”. Either I did mean to be rude, or I’d be deliberately rude with that answer because it’s such a stupidly pointless thing to say.

7salmon - I’m not dismissing your answer but it is hypothetical. In the actual examples given above, the person challenged was too embarrassed to say yes. I think if someone did say yes, that would achieve something if only to remove any doubt for the person asking the question.

It's such a ridiculous and passive aggressive thing to say. I'd probably laugh if I heard someone say it.

Sometimes if I think a student at work has misjudged their tone/how they've expressed themselves then I'll say 'that may have come across much ruder than you intended' but that's part of teaching them how to challenge and discuss.

But passive aggression is awful. I always imagine people who would say 'did you mean to be so rude' are also people who would do a head tilt and a tinkly laugh and tell you that 'no is a complete sentence'.
I still don't know what a tinkly laugh is

that may have come across much ruder than you intended

Oh I much prefer that! Not only does it give the rude person a chance to backtrack and save face, it also gives a certain innocence to the person in receipt of the rudery.

I had always intended to use "Did you mean to be so rude" to my very rude MIL, but she always prefaced her rudery with "Well I don't mean to be rude, but..." thus rendering it useless.