"Did you mean to be so rude?" - any results from using this?

[DadDadDad]

It's almost a MN cliché to suggest saying "did you mean to be so rude?" as a tactic to confront someone who makes an unwelcome comment.

So discussion on another thread got me wondering:

1. Has anyone actually tried using it?
2. What response did it get?
3. If the response was "yes", did it help the situation?

We can use this thread as an evidence base (positive or negative) next time someone suggests the phrase on AIBU etc.

I actually think it's a really rude thing to say, and would make anyone using sound either PA or ridiculous. Where does it end? Do you go back and forth with it all day?

OP I think you're too invested in this. Perhaps you should just give it a go and report back your findings.

All of us commenting on this thread are too invested!

I never notice when people are rude to me, so it’s no use to me. I was trying to do MN a public service.

I used it once and I'm glad I did because it turned out that I actually hadn't heard her properly and she hadn't been rude after all!

I was at a Caribbean holiday resort and one of the entertainers had already been quite direct and made a few jokes at our expense. So, later that night when she was trying to get people up dancing during dinner and I said "no thanks" she said "meh, England's overrated!" I was really shocked that she kept making these unsolicited digs when we were minding our own business on holiday!

The next day she said hi and I asked if she had meant to be so rude the night before. Turns out she had said "eating's overrated" and then I felt silly for pulling her up on it. So it was kind of a fail but if I hadn't said anything I would have thought she was a cow for the rest of the holiday so there's that.

Someone said it to me once (I hadn't actually been rude): my response was, "Absolutely, I wouldn't dream of being rude by accident - terribly gauche, don't you think?" whilst raising my eyebrows.

Sorry - just for context, it was in Waitrose (I know, I know) and I had asked a lady if I could possibly just squeeze past her so I could take something from the shelf in front of her. I didn't say "whilst you continue to dither on stood here whilst debating over products shelved there, which was quite restrained (I'd been standing waiting for three minutes after I'd thought" bloody hell, get a move on", which prompted me to look at my watch in the first place)

She went red and sputtered, whilst I continued to channel Lady Bracknell. I didn't even feel a twat for doing it, either. And I gave her a nice smile and let her go in front of me in the cafe later, so I like to think she had no hard feelings

Oh, and Waitrose lady, if you've come on the thread to mention the rude cow in the supermarket: it's about the only time in my life I've found the mot juste at the right time, instead of afterwards - so let me have my smug gloaty moment. Besides, after the café moment, I feel we parted as friends...

I've always thought it was a pretty naff phrase.

Why not just say "that was very rude" rather than being all passive aggressive and twee about it.

This should help you with the tinkly laugh.

Damn I tried to quote a previous post and failed. Sorry bout that!

I used it, response was 'I wasn't being rude' not helpful for me.

Yes, and it backfired on me really.

The answer was an unashamed "yes"!

Can anyone tell me what you'd say to that as I had no idea!

(I went with a dirty look and walking off!)

Sheitgeist
I say it through kindness to students because sometimes teenagers can be notoriously bad at expressing themselves when feeling like the world is against them.

If they're obviously being rude and are repeatedly rude then I handle it differently, but an otherwise polite child getting it wrong sometimes benefits from the benefit of the doubt and a bit of gentle correction (hence the 'let's pause a minute because I don't think you're intending to come across that way').

Hereitisnow Oh right. Tinkly laughs are horrible then and terribly smug/passive aggressive.

How is it passive aggressive? It's a direct question. Sarcastic maybe, but I'm not getting the passive aggressive vibe...

I also agree that it's not passive aggressive; it's tackling something directly!

PA is a popular description of anything on MN, though, however accurate.

The whole point of using this phrase, is when someone has blatantly made a rude comment but in a PA way in the first place. So by embarrassing them, and not letting it affect you, you have turned it back on to them.

You wouldn't use it if someone came up to you and said 'you are a mean and ugly person' as that is them blatantly being rude. You may use it if someone came up and said 'you don't look like you've slept in a week'

I'm another one who doesn't consider this at all passive aggressive.

"passive-aggressive
adjective
of or denoting a type of behaviour or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation."

Bluntness, Blunt by name and blunt by nature!

I’m so glad others have said it’s not PA. I didn’t think it was but wondered if I wasn’t understanding. I think it’s a great comeback although have never had need to use it.

I think it's passive aggressive because it's not actually addressing the substance of what the other person said or why you disagree with it/think it was rude. It's like a little stock phrase to trot out rather than actually engaging in a discussion about why you disagree with someone.

Hmm, not sure, RCohle ... it's still a direct and immediate attack on someone who has offended you, letting them know that they've done so.
Maybe depends on the situation.

Maybe depends on the situation.

That may explain why some feel it is PA and some not. If someone is rude to you and it's pretty obvious from their tone and body language that they were indeed being rude, and you both know it, then it would be PA to ask this because it's saying "I'm going to pretend that I don't know if you are being rude, and make it sound like I'm asking a neutral question, so ducking out of directly asserting that you were rude."

Haven't bothered using it on toxic friend because: She is always right. You are the one in a mood. You are snappy/have a problem, she does not. Ho hum. Anyway, she is only being concerned (yeah right) and is trying to help. I get the trying bit.....

If someone is rude to you and it's pretty obvious from their tone and body language that they were indeed being rude, and you both know it, then it would be PA to ask this because it's saying "I'm going to pretend that I don't know if you are being rude, and make it sound like I'm asking a neutral question, so ducking out of directly asserting that you were rude.
That's how I've understood it.

In a situation where someone might have made a faux pas then "did you mean to be so rude?" would be arsey and confrontational when the principle of charity and politeness could easily be applied.

If someone is being rude (as often is in the MN scenarios) then saying 'did you mean to be so rude?' is passive aggressive because fairly evident that they were being rude so the faux naive 'let me think I'm clever and playing dumb' act is passive aggressive.

In short:
If it's potentially an awkward faux pas - apply the principle of charity
If someone is obviously being rude - address it directly

Neither occasions warrant a stupid rehearsed line.