Is it true that if you onlyy have boys, you will be less close to your grandchildren than mothers of girls?

[Greensleeves]

I've seen this mentioned on the other thread about mums of boys (so technically a TAAT I suppose, but more of a tangential question really)

Is it true? Can mothers of boys really expect to be lesser grandparents than mothers of girls? It's the first time I've ever really given it any thought

The only reason DBro and I didn't get on with our paternal grandfather is that he was a vile toxic arsehole who did the world a favour by dying.

We never met our grandmother, she died when DF was young. By all accounts, though, she was a lovely person who did not deserve the abuse and shit our grandfather put her through, including real physical abuse. I would have liked to have known her.

Cruise over to Gransnet - you will often see posts from mothers of sons, who have great difficulty in maintaining close ties with their sons' children. This mainly stems from difficulties with the MIL / DIL relationship.

In my own experience, I had very little contact with my son's children when he was with his partner, and never saw them at all when the split happened and she took the children . I didn't see them at all for two years. Then she unceremoniously handed them back to their father four years ago, and I've been the co-parent ever since, so I see them every day . So yes, I only got back to a close relationship with the children when the DIL was totally our of the picture.

Absolutely. I myself very rarely saw my paternal grandmother whereas O saw my maternal grandmother multiple times a week. My children rarely see their paternal grandmother as she shows little interest.

Of course not. My kids see more of she's mum than my mum. She's just more generous with her time.

I’m very close to my mum, and my sisters so any children I have will be too, however I will do what I can to ensure whoever I marrys parents will be just as close. But if they don’t engage with me or want that type of relationship there isn’t a lot I can do but facilitate what I can and ideally I’d have them be really close. It made me very sad when my friend told me his family hadn’t seen his dads parents in two years despite there never being any fall out, just that they weren’t close. But then again he considers it normal to speak to his mother maybe three times a year. Which I disagree with.

Having had the most spiteful MIL imaginable, I shall try very hard to leave parenting to my son & future dil.
I would not ever want to inflict that much misery on anyone.
I shall make it clear that I am available to babysit if needed, and then leave them to it.
I intend to become a foster mum so hopefully that will satisfy any “granny-need” in me.

My dd's paternal grandparents were a wonderful support to us while she was growing up, in fact her grandmother was like a second mother. And I'd split up with their son before my dd was even born.

It takes two to tango, but my ex-MIL was a very good friend to us and a wonderful grandmother who treated each and every one of her grandchildren as if they were her favourite.

My children are equally close to all their grandparents. There is no hierarchy of grandparents in our family.

It's true because in a lot of relationships I know, the women makes a big effort to keep in touch with her family, visiting, calling, Skype, etc. Therefore the grandchildren come to know the grandparents well. The man can't be bothered to see or call his parents, therefore the grandchildren don't have as much contact.

My relationship typifies this. I take my baby to see my parents every week, usually without my husband though he's welcome. My husband has never taken the baby on his own to see his parents and rarely calls them. And before anyone says, no there's no history of abuse etc, they are perfectly nice and have a good relationship with my husband. He just can't be bothered and doesn't make it a priority.

And it's complete bs that it's the DIL fault that paternal grandparents don't see the gc! Why should it be the women's responsibility to socialise with both sides of the family, and the husband isn't even responsible for his family.

I have a son so I'm extremely sad about this fact.

I want to respond to people saying the DILs have somehow pushed their DSs away and are responsible for breakdowns in relationships. It sounds like the sons have a lot to do with it, quite honestly it's mostly their role to keep your relationship up, not DILs, and if something has happened which means you don't see GC enough then you can't just blame the DIL. My DH did very little to build the relationship with his parents (I did it) and nothing to help when it started to break down. Had he stepped in and told FIL exactly where the boundaries are then perhaps we would be spending more time together.

My ex's mum (up until an event this summer) saw my boys one day a week/fortnight because she made the effort to arrange to see them. We have a fairly good relationship (although I do now know she lies to me, everyone has faults I guess)
My mother visits one afternoon a week.
My current MIL hardly sees the kids. But that's nothing to do with her having a son. She is very selfish, expects to plonk herself on the sofa, be served food and drinks, have her favourite tv channel on, for us to keep the 4dc quiet while she has a nap etc. I think the MN way to describe her would be rude and entitled. She's exactly the same at home and there are not enough seats in her living room so dc would be expected to sit silently on the floor.
It is a shame. If she lived locally I think things would be different? Maybe she would soften? But she lives over an hour away and because visits are not enjoyable, I have stopped arranging them.
I have 3 boys and I do worry about this, but all I can do is try and be involved without being pushy or entitled and hope for the best.

It comes down to the effort with the kids my MIL is brilliant with my kids they all adore her. My mum is a little overwhelmed by my nutty hyperactive children they still adore her but prefer grandma for running riot with and Nanny for watching a film or doing homework (activity books we have bought) our kids have 3 sets of grandparents and are close to all 3 we're very lucky that way.

My mum is closer to my brothers dd. Mainly because her DIL is very supportive of the relationship and made sure our family were involved after my dbro left them. Also my mum was much younger and more involved when dn was born, whereas when my ds was born her health had deteriorated.

On my side my dh is much more attentive to his mum than his sister. She is pretty selfish tbh and only does what she feels she has too. She doesn't do It out of choice.

My mum didn't see that much of my brothers kids when he was married. Now he is separated she sees a lot of them. I think it boiled down to who the boy marries tbh.

It's total bollocks, I think it can make people feel better to think "that's just how it is" though.

If when my kids are older and this happens I'd be looking inward tbh (unless it's based on distance or other factors that can't be helped)

With my kids, the relationship the grandparents have with their children is pretty much related to the amount of effort the grandparents put in. When they were little, they spent a lot more time with their paternal grandparents. Now they've been edged out a bit by younger, cuter cousins while my parents have stepped in to spend more time with them, Skype with them and so on. I also know that DP would really like his mum to call more often to talk just to him and not the grandchildren. When I felt like that, I talked it through with my parents, but he grew up in the sort of family where men don't talk about their feelings, so he doesn't feel he can do that.

So I think that that having a good, open relationship with sons is probably the best thing parents can do to have a good relationship with their grandchildren.

Not necessarily.

My MIL is just as involved with the GCs of her son as her daughter.

I know people who love their MIL more than their mum's and so the MILs have involvment with GCs according to that relationship.

Generalisations from years of reading these threads:

Bring your boys up to be responsible for relationship management with you. Don't just expect it to be something girls (and wives) do.

Be interested in any future DIL as a person, not just a bearer of future grandchildren.

Yes, lots of women may want their mums around as birth partners, help around the time of the baby. This isn't a criticism of you - it's just they do know their mum's better. The GC will be around for years, don't spoil the relationship by getting upset in the first 2 months.

If you weren't close before the arrival of GC, don't expect to suddenly be involved now a baby is here. It's bloody rude. Don't expect the DIL to do all the running around either.

Listen to the parents. They may sound nuts compared to what you did when you were parenting but on somethings they may have a point. Watching my ILs bicker about who is most aggrieved, parents or grandparents it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Yes, the grandparents are bonkers not to put out a fire-engine toy for girls to play with but neither does a bruise need to be photographed everyday. However if you annoy them, they won't trust you and then there will be no babysitting.

Lots of factors including distance, driving ability, age.
If they cant drive to visit them. If one set are much older they may well die before the GC are very old. I think both sides can often be very selfish and can prioritize themself over thier kids/GC.
The GP can be very difficult personalities. Whilst thinking they are easy going.

Very old people can also become very difficult, start getting manipulated by other children

My MIL has one boy (DH obvs) and one girl.

Her daughter is single and comes home infrequently. She sees her DGC via DH multiple times a week and they adore her. Their other GM, my DM, sees them about twice a year.