What *should* happen in this situation? Warning may be triggering

[spikeyone]

If a teenager is taken for a termination and during the process beforehand repeatedly makes it clear to counsellor and doctors that her mother is forcing her
If on the first occasion she becomes so distressed it can’t be done but is then taken back again by the mother
Surely they should have made a safeguarding referral ? If it’s clearly not the patients decision

Here you go: ico.org.uk/your-data-matters/your-right-of-access/

I was vulnerable due to living in an abusive environment and because of a then undiagnosed condition but I would have been capable of making my own decisions and looking after a child I just feel there should have been a social services referral made I had no idea at the time I probably could have referred myself but it would have been hard as had no money no access to a phone and a lot of the time was unable to leave the house alone

Yes, absolutely spikeyone you should have had support for your decision, clearly made. What's so horrific is the length into the pregnancy it was done, and my heart really goes out go you. How would you feel about following SARS route?

I have also had records refused me, and bits of evidence going missing

My sd was 15 and she was so traumatised at what her mother would say to her pregnancy confession - she took an older friend ( 19 ) along to act as the adult . When her mother found out she was called a whore and a murderer ( even though she admitted she didn't want her to have kept it.)
My sd is now nearly 30 and so far childless and still has mh issues over it. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

What the medical staff performed a termination on you which you didn't consent to. Surely that comes under assault and battery.

But I signed the form which I wa reminded of constantly by my mother if I spoke about being upset about it
I always thought at the point I signed that it meant I was agreeing/consenting but I’d made it so obvious and said what was happening
I even tried to fake illness in the day so that the dr would say I couldn’t have an operation i was desperate I thought if that happened then she wouldn’t have taken me home and treated me badly again

You clearly weren't consenting, , and that's all that matters. You are allowed to kick up a stink to your DM, she cannot shut you down,she has no right. She pushed you through this, and the doctor colluded, but the doctor was the professional here and you were old enough to not need dm

I also had severe HG which did not help at all with how fragile I was there was just no where to turn

It doesn't matter if you signed a hundred consent forms - if you were coerced, which you were, then your consent is not valid. You didn't consent. Compliance is not consent.

And also, even after you sign a consent form you're allowed to change your mind and withdraw consent. Right up until the last second you have the right to say stop, and they have to listen regardless of whether you signed a form.

The form just documents it. If you were pressured by somebody else to sign it then it is meaningless. This is what the guidance for doctors tells them. It is not legal consent.

As an example of what should happen, at my last hospital procedure I made a comment after signing the form about not really wanting to be there and the medical staff immediately stopped and questioned me further to check whether I was withdrawing consent etc.

I don’t understand why nobody helped me. Especially the counsellor i saw her the most and i told her

I am so sorry this happened to you. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life, maybe your GP or practice nurse?

I spoke to my husband last night as I was very distressed and then I posted on here. He tried his best to comfort me but I think he just doesn’t know what to sayi think there’s a lot of guilt there and feeling helpless

I'm finding this quite tricky spikeyone. I'm not sure what help 'they' could have given you. Your perspective isn't consistent. If you were vulnerable, had no money and were totally dependent on your mum I'm not sure how you think you could have looked after the baby. Yet you said that you were capable so I don't understand why you didn't make plans to move out before the second attempt and actual abortion. You said it was clear that your mum wasn't going to let you bring up the baby in her house.

'They' should have called 'someone'. Who should they have called? Did you tell the medical professionals who to call maybe the father of the child to take you away so that you could be away from your mother? Where was the father in all this? Was there someone else they could have called? It sounds like you were very dependent on your mum and she wouldn't support you. What about your dad?

Would you have wanted social services to take you and house you somewhere so you could raise your child alone? You said you had no money so that would be hard.

If you were capable of looking after a baby alone why didn't you do something yourself? After you were sent away after the first attempt you went back to your mother's house. If was clear she wasn't going to support you with the baby so why not move in with your boyfriend's family? Move out alone?

From the medical perspective they refused to operate the first time and sent you away. Then you, an adult (you say that you were vulnerable yet capable of making decisions) came back a second time and signed on the dotted line albeit in tears. I'm sure plenty of women having a termination cry for the loss of a baby yet know its the best choice.

From your mother's perspective I can imagine seriously trying to dissuade my DD from keeping a baby if the father was abusive or awful generally (you don't say if this is the case). Otherwise we could all be stuck with that person in our lives pretty much till the end of our days. Much better to terminate, get rid of abusive man, then have DC with someone you want to spend your life with.

If this is still haunting you nearly 20 years later you need proper counselling to help you to come to terms with it. You can't turn back time and change anything so you need to be able to move on and live the rest of your life. Don't let the past ruin the future.

I was living at home and it had always been an emotionally abusive environment
When I got pregnant I was very quickly very ill with HG so that made me physically weak and also, very emotionally weak I think so I able to be controlled
My mother took my phone, I wasn’t allowed out and she would lock all doors and windows if I tried ‘for my own good’
I had no energy to fight or scream and I just hoped she would get used to the idea. If I was compliant she was nice to me
I hoped she would just come round to it

I had lost my job as was in a probationary period but I couldn’t work due to HG so no money
My mother had once let me use her landline to call my boyfriend to tell him I’d already had the abortion and that I never wanted to see him again and she stood over me as I did it
By ‘they’ I mean the counsellor or dr. I hadn’t told them all the above but I had told them my mother was forcing me and I didn’t want to, that I wanted my baby.
Looking now I think they should have called social services
Both occasions (about 10 days apart) for the operation I was asked to be quiet as was upsetting others as in the hospital I was getting v v upset and arguing with my mother
It was t just tears over a consent form I was begging her not to make me do it, pretending to be ill so they’d cancel it and after pessary was in I was begging my mother to get the dr to take it out as I couldn’t do it and she laughed and wouldn’t
After the operation at home I was like a zombie and she was lovely to me. I was still a prisoner but she was saying she had her daughter back

If said teen had moved out of parents house already, paid own Bill's and was financially equipped to handle the responsibility there would be no problem. Doesnt sound like teen was taking care of self so how could teen take care of baby?

I think being young plus having HG and being in such a bad environment was the reason why I didn’t do something myself
It took courage to keep telling the hospital what I did. The process was dragged out so much due to it all and looking back I can’t believe they let it go on so long
The baby’s father was never ever abusive. He accepted what I was forced to tell him that night. I wish now I had thought to ask the hospital to call him it didn’t cross my mind I was in such a state I just didn’t think
There was no question of me being unable to look after a baby I would have been fine
I had however been brought up in such a way I didnt even know I’d have got any help or benefits etc which an 18 year old should have known but I wasn’t allowed much access to information and my mother had said she wouldn’t accept paying for anything and I’d be forced to have the baby in 6-6 nursery where he or she would scream for me and probably be treated badly as it would have to be ‘a council nursery’ and I believed her and I was scared

When I left, after a incident after the termination I walked to his house.
We talked. I moved in with him. He had no idea what had really been going on he just accepted what I’d told him and thought I didn’t want to see or speak to him again and wanted to respect that he was v upset what I had done but said he didn’t realise it wasn’t my decision. He thought it was so was never going to tell me not to as it was my body
If he had known the truth he would have helped

I got pregnant again, we got some benefits and a maternity grant etc. He got at first 2 jobs then found a full time one and we were completely capable of looking after a child. I have some struggles due to a condition and also emotionally I can be fragile because of how I was treated but there was no question over my ability to be a parent
I do think that having HG caused me to be very vulnerable

I feel quite upset it really wasn’t that my mother had any reason where what she did was ok at the time I was an emotional and physical prisoner

My parents were divorced my father did not live there

That must have been awful for you. There was no real reason for your mum to do that as you've clearly been able to raise your subsequent children.

I'm not a great believer in the MN favourite of going NC but in your situation I'd struggle to be able to be in the same room as my mum.

My original thoughts still stand though. Nothing is ever going to turn back the clock or change things. You need support in managing to cope going forward. Friends and family have had success with counselling but it make take time to find the right person. Fingers crossed for you. Xx

It wasn't ok. Your mother is an evil person. I have an 18yr old dd. No matter what I want it is HER body and her choice. I can't imagine treating her like you were treated. It was wrong. She did not have the right to do that. You are entitled to be enraged with her. She is not a good mother. She failed spectacularly. But you didn't. It is not your fault. You are a mum of a daughter. And you have been shown an example of what NOT to do. Unfortunately no-one can turn the clock back. And you will probably never get an apology from anyone involved. And that sucks. Hug your daughter. She is here. And she wouldn't have been if it hadn't happened. She would have been someone different. But she's not. And she needs her Mum to go forward with her in life. To do the things mums do. The right things. So that when you are old and you have your grandchildren around you, you can smile and think. "I did a good job. Despite what she did to me."
Be your daughters best Mum. Her defender. Her confidant. Her friend. Show her how its meant to be. Your best revenge is to heal by example. You can do it. Xx