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Original poster

DSS and presents - WWYD?

50 replies

DragonFire99 · 23/11/2018 13:55

My DSS is 25. For the past couple of years he hasn't really kept in touch much, come to visit us, and hasn't sent our dc cards or anything on their birthday. DC are 10 and 14.

WWYD? It's not about the presents; it's about our/our dc's relationship with him. We used to see him regularly and he remembered their birthdays, etc.

AIBU to feel frustrated and upset? I know he has his own life now but that doesn't mean forgetting family, does it?

Would we BU to forget his birthday? Or say something like, 'Since you're not bothering sending gifts or cards now, we won't buy you anything for your birthday?'

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 23/11/2018 13:58

Just don't bother with his birthday. It's not up to you anyway. Most families stop buying presents when the other person reaches 18.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 23/11/2018 13:58

My son (26 yrs old) doesn't bother with my birthday or Christmas but he will always be his mum so I still send him presents, I can't imagine not.

AviatorShades · 23/11/2018 14:00

I think a card with Happy Birthday on it should suffice..

BathFullOfEels · 23/11/2018 14:01

That seems harsh. But let your dh deal with it, he’s his son. At that age I was pretty poor at keeping in touch with my family but I’d have been heart broken if I did t even get a card on my birthday. Has your dh done everything he could to try and keep in touch?

Winterishere2018 · 23/11/2018 14:05

You’re expecting you’re dh to just ignore his sons birthday? Bloody hell. He’s an adult he would have been a teenager when you’re dc we’re born tbh and he didn’t live with you guys so I can’t imagine he would have the same level of relationship that he would have had, had he grow up with a sibling closer in age, you can’t force a relationship with him and his siblings but you can’t expect you’re dh to for go a relationship with his own son.

EurusHolmes · 23/11/2018 14:06

Lead by example.
Do what you think is the nice thing (send a birthday card).

MrsAird · 23/11/2018 14:09

I agree, let DH deal with it, but why be passive aggressive?
DH could say to him "your brothers would love to hear from you, please could you send them a card on their birthdays?"

fuzzywuzzy · 23/11/2018 14:16

My DP gets invited to his half sisters birthdays, his dad takes everyone out for meals or they have a birthday meal at home where stepmum cooks. He attends and takes gifts. Last year I was having our dc and in hospital so ensured they received gifts from us in the post.

But we are always invited to be part of the celebrations. DP’s dad will always also ask dp what he wants for his birthday and usually they have a family meal jointly with FIL as dp and FIL have birthdays close to eachother.

I’m included so ensure we do send something to acknowledge birthdays, dp will tend to forget his stepsister birthdays, not because he doesn’t care but because he only thinks of it when he sees them.

Do you have similar and invite him over for him to decline and not send anything?

I would leave the gift and card sending to your dh as it his dc and up to him the effort he wants to put in.

I wouldn’t do it out of spite tho.

NonaGrey · 23/11/2018 14:20

You want to deliberately ignore your DH’s son’s birthday?

What kind of father would that make him?

Shock
DevonshireCreamTea · 23/11/2018 14:21

He is still your DH son

Singlenotsingle · 23/11/2018 14:23

It's up to DH to acknowledge the birthday if he wants to.

AJPTaylor · 23/11/2018 14:23

He is on another planet. My bro and dh are the same. 20 years ago I told dh large family that he was now in charge of cards and presents. They never saw another one. I did do flowers for his mum for mothers day and bday. I reminded him about his dad's. My brother has never sent a card or present in the last 23 years.it is just not on his radar. He did contact me once cos his card hasn't arrived. I just said I wasn't sending any more.

Original poster
DragonFire99 · 23/11/2018 15:23

Thanks for all points of view. The thing is, he used to be really good at keeping in touch and buying cards and gifts - but then he met his girlfriend and since they've been together he hasn't bothered. (Is that a drip feed?)

So it's not a male thing.

In the past I have reminded him about the dc's birthdays. If I remind him the week before, he remembers. If I don't, he doesn't. But why should I have to??

He used to have a great relationship with oiur dc, even tho they didn't live together. Not now.

We live too far apart to invite him over for bday parties.

Of course I wouldn't make dh do anything; it would be up to him.

DSS has forgotten dh's birthday and father's day too so dh is a bit upset, yes. DH makes more effort to go and see dss, and rings/texts him more often.

Oddsocks - My son (26 yrs old) doesn't bother with my birthday or Christmas but I will always be his mum so I still send him presents, I can't imagine not.

But isn't his lack of thought/appreciation/gift hurtful?

Nona Grey - You want to deliberately ignore your DH’s son’s birthday? What kind of father would that make him?

Hmm What kind of son does that make him if he ignores his dad's birthday??

OP posts:
SnowyPaws5 · 23/11/2018 15:43

I would not cut him out of your lives. Yes, he probably has been a bad son but he's still your DH's son and your step-son. I would keep sending him cards for birthdays and Christmas. Write that you're missing him and encourage him to reach out to you. Keep trying.

NonaGrey · 23/11/2018 16:42

What kind of son does that make him if he ignores his dad's birthday??

It’s not transactional though OP. You love your child regardless. Would you stop loving your children if they turned into thoughtless 25yos?

No of course not, and I bet you wouldn’t deliberately not buy them a birthday gift in a million years.

Original poster
DragonFire99 · 23/11/2018 16:54

Yes, I've been thinking about how I'd feel if my dc behaved like that. I'd be really hurt. Of course I wouldn't stop loving them but I wouldn't like their behaviour much.

So would you buy presents for your dss's kids' birthdays?

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 23/11/2018 17:14

We live too far apart to invite him over for bday parties.

that jumped out at me - has that always been the case, or more recent?

Invite him anyway. It's up to him if he comes or not.

lalalalyra · 23/11/2018 17:15

So would you buy presents for your dss's kids' birthdays?

Why would your DH not want to buy for his grandchildren?

NonaGrey · 23/11/2018 17:18

You’re not wrong to dislike his lack of consideration but not buying him a birthday gift will drop a nuclear bomb on his relationship with his Dad - why on earth would you want that.

As for your stepson’s children why wouldn’t you buy gifts for them?

They are your children’s nieces or nephews and your grandchildren - surely?

You need to remind yourself that regardless of his behaviour he’s your DH son.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/11/2018 17:44

We live very far from dp’s dad, he invites us over anyway. And we make the effort to go because it is clearly from love and he does want to see us and we want to see them all too.

If you’re not inviting them over then really you’re expecting him to make all the effort whilst not conveying that you want them to be a part of your lives or that they’re a welcome part of your family.

Personally without the fact that dp’s family make a visible effort with us and ask about us and contact us regularly, I wouldn’t be bothered either. I’m only involved as much as I am and prompt DP because FIL & SMIL regularly message us/me and invite us to see them.

Rarfy · 23/11/2018 17:48

Would you stop buying your own children in the same circumstances? That is your answer.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 23/11/2018 17:56

"But isn't his lack of thought/appreciation/gift hurtful?"

Yes, very much so. But I am his mum I can't imagine NOT celebrating his birthday or Christmas. It is not the way I raised him but he is his own man and he has to live with how he decides to be. I hope, that one day, he will wake up to the hurt that it causes but also accept that maybe he isn't that bothered by those celebrations so chooses to ignore them.

Inertia · 23/11/2018 19:04

Think it's best for your DH to lead the way on this one- if he wishes to continue to buy presents for his adult son then let him do so.

TheBigBangRocks · 23/11/2018 20:03

Your dislike of him shines through your post. Encouraging his father to cut him off isn't nice and if he does so it's clear his son isn't his priority.

Your lack of contact yet reminders to send your children gifts is strange. Either he's a part of the family or not rather than a gift giver to younger children.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 23/11/2018 20:06

What planet are you on expecting DH to ignore his own sons birthday. Lead by example, he will cotton on eventually.

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