DSS and presents - WWYD?

[DragonFire99]

My DSS is 25. For the past couple of years he hasn't really kept in touch much, come to visit us, and hasn't sent our dc cards or anything on their birthday. DC are 10 and 14.

WWYD? It's not about the presents; it's about our/our dc's relationship with him. We used to see him regularly and he remembered their birthdays, etc.

AIBU to feel frustrated and upset? I know he has his own life now but that doesn't mean forgetting family, does it?

Would we BU to forget his birthday? Or say something like, 'Since you're not bothering sending gifts or cards now, we won't buy you anything for your birthday?'

Yes your DH should be buying gifts for his grandchildren. It’s really important the grandchildren know that grandad thinks of them. What planet are you on? Why are you so petty. Grow up

Most families stop buying presents when the other person reaches 18.

^Myabe on MN but certainly not in real life. Ridiculous statement.

A lot of families don't buy for siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles, or they stop buying for nieces/nephews at 18 of 21.

I've never heard of anyone I know stopping buying for their own dc and in this scenario I would think it quite sad if your dh and his sons relationship disintegrated further by not even exchanging Xmas gifts and making sure they get together over Xmas.

Perhaps he feels a bit resentful? After all, when he was your kids age, he didnt have his dad. He'd moved on and 'replaced' him.

Thats how my kids feel anyway. But in their case its true that neither father or his wife give a shit about my kids - and that hurts them.

I would suggest treating people the way you would want to be treated. Respectfully.

But how is it respectful for ds not to contact his half sister and brother for their birthdays, yet we’re meant to contact him? He’s a grown man! Why is he not held to the same standards?

And he used to remember, that’s my point. Now he doesn’t.

He has his own family now by the sounds of it.

You don’t include him in your family by your own admission because you ‘live far away’.

You sound like you’re looking for a reason to try and persuade your dh to disown him/go nc.

It’s his dads responsibility to make him feel welcome and part of your family and to mark special occasions.

But how is it respectful for ds not to contact his half sister and brother for their birthdays, yet we’re meant to contact him? He’s a grown man! Why is he not held to the same standards?

And he used to remember, that’s my point. Now he doesn’t.

Then your DH should be finding out why he no longer feels part of your family. Someone doesn't just stop bothering with their Dad and their siblings for no reason.

Plus if siblings choose not to send gifts to each other that's one thing. Your DH is his father. Not his brother or uncle or mate, his Dad. If you want to close another channel of communication then go for it, but it would be far better for your husband not to cut his son off any further.

Fuzzywuzzy - where are you getting that? That’s not true at all. Dh and I have been hurt by his lack of contact and not wanting to meet up. I have never mentioned NC! Or disowning, ffs

We don’t ask him to family bday parties, no. But we don’t usually. We live far away from my parents too, so bday parties are not attended by wider family.

Agree it’s Dh’s Responsibility to include him in the family etc, but , like I said above, dh has contacted ds and ds doesn’t get back to him. Or is very vague about when he’s free. We do all the contacting to make arrangements to meet up.

So the consensus is that it’s ok for him to do whatever, but we have to keep buying him presents and keep contacting him? Right. Our dc miss him. They’re upset when he doesn’t ring on their bday. What are we supposed to say? He’s so busy he can’t even be arsed sending you a card on your bday?!

I know this is a maverick idea so just stay with me - have you (or more appropriately, your DH) tried actually talking to him about it all?

OK, so you don’t want to remind him of his siblings birthdays, you used to and he would send them birthday gifts then. But you feel you shouldn’t have to.
Do your dc send their big brother birthday gifts?

You don’t invite him around, you live too far away.
And he doesn’t come around much and that also is point of contention for you?

He doesn’t respond immediately to his father’s messages.
He probably has a full time job, plus his own family and most likely his weeks are manic.

You don’t want to continue sending him or his dc birthday presents or cards. Because he doesn’t to your dc?

That’s up to you really.

You could tell I’m you won’t buy him gifts anymore for his birthday or his dc. I don’t think that will have a terribly positive impact on your relationship with him though.

Jeez how keen are you to cause a rift.

He's 25. He is in his first serious relationship. It's a selfish age. His DF should continue to send him a birthday card and christmas present because he's his son who's done nothing worse than be a bit thoughtless.

If your DCs are seriously traumatised by a lack of card and calls at the age of 10 & 14 then you should be teaching them to be a tad more resilient. Perhaps they could contact him if they want to see him.

Everyone's being rather harsh to Dragonfire. It seems to me that DSS doesn't really care whether she and DH keep in touch or not. She's done her best, but it's really DH's responsibility to do the card/present buying, not hers. I'm sure it would mean much more to DSS if he heard from his own father.

The problem is you are expecting him to act like an uncle to your dcs when he is in fact their sibling.

Im in a simlar situation to your dss, I have a much younger half sibling and a child of my own. Step mum contacted me a few days ago to suggest we just do kids only this year.
Probably sounds sensible, right? But I’m a bit offended that she thinks my being an adult means I no longer count as one of my father’s children and am expected to buy my siblings a present in exchange for my father bothering to buy for his only grandchild.

This frustrates me more as she then told me what they have bought for her parents. So when they say only children, they mean just not me.

You are suggesting your DH should not treat his eldest son equally to his younger children. Age shoud be irrelevant here. Think about it.

Bloody hell.

1. My dc do contact ds on social media. He sometimes replies, sometimes doesn’t.
2. Badger: not similar to you at all. This year I contacted ds to suggest he doesn’t buy pressies for me and dh. But that we buy for dc.
3. Dh and I both contact ds! But we’re always the first to make contact...
4. How come 25 is a thoughtless age, if my dc aged 10 and 14 are meant to be more mature and resilient so they don’t get upset when ds doesn’t acknowledge their bday? Do you not see the problem here?
5. Of course our dc send dss bday gifts!

I’m a lot older but i’d Be fucking upset if my dc didn’t remember my bday, but according to you, i’d Be immature? Bonkers.

Maybe he's self absorbed or maybe he's distanced himself like many adults do after a childhood that they didn't want.

His dad left him, moved on and had more children. There's no warmth for him at all in your post, it comes across as being about your children. Maybe he doesn't feel part of the family? His dad won't know until he talks to him but you just seem set on cutting him off and have found an excuse to do so.

I think you have very odd expectations. Surely it’s not normal for siblings to buy each other gifts etc for each other’s birthdays and Xmas? I have never received anything from a sibling and have never given anything. I thought this was normal? I’ve never rung siblings for birthdays and have never received a call either.

However, my parents contact each of us on our birthday and say happy birthday. Most of the time people are busy so they just leave a message. No card once we were over 18, surely just a happy birthday wish is enough? I do try and give them a ring on their birthday but admittedly there have been numerous years when I was younger and tied up with work or sleeping (from shift work) where it didn’t happen. They never hit shirty.

My kids (young adult and older teen) never buy each other gifts or cards. We all live together so there may be some sort of happy birthday grunt but that’s the extent of it. I can’t imagine throwing my arms up in the air, carrying on and considering telling my husband we shouldn’t bother about their birthdays anymore. Weird.

What does your DH want to do about acknowledging his son’s birthday?

We live too far apart to invite him over for bday parties

How can someone live too far away to be invited? My IL’s live abroad. They’re invited to all events/parties, and it’s up to them whether they come or not.

Hopping: I think you have very odd expectations. Surely it’s not normal for siblings to buy each other gifts etc for each other’s birthdays and Xmas? I have never received anything from a sibling and have never given anything. I thought this was normal? I’ve never rung siblings for birthdays and have never received a call either.

And you think I have odd expectations?!

Of course it's normal for sibling to buy each other presents for their birthdays! Your lack of celebration sounds bizarre to me.

but you just seem set on cutting him off and have found an excuse to do so.

No, I'm not. I'm hurt. The dc are hurt. Thought I'd explained that already...

What does your DH want to do about acknowledging his DS’s birthday?

If I remind him the week before, he remembers. If I don't, he doesn't. But why should I have to??

This just sounds pretty. If you remind him he will send stuff so why not just remind him? I'm nearly 40 and my mum still sends me a reminder text for relatives birthdays. You don't have to, no, but if the issue is not wanting your kids to be hurt by lack of card/ gift then why wouldn't you? It sounds more forgetful than malicious.

*petty

Your DSS's nuclear family is not your family. Your DCs are not the centre of his life. Or indeed very important to him at all, in a day to day level. Judging from the absence of empathy In your posts my guess is your DSS has decided to prioritise his own life and family - which could well include an important partner who you know little about- as he has had enough of playing the appreciative audience to your DCs lives.

Your DsS will be carrying a load of pain and anger from his childhood and young adulthood. Seeing ones DF have a second set of children is very very hard on the first children and if you don't think that's the case for your DsS you're barmy

Also of course he used to be "nicer" to your DC, he had less choice about it and his own life was less clear and well established.

You don't seem to understand family dynamics much.

You're hurt ok that's sad. But honestly you need to see things in a wider less claustrophobic and self-cantered context.

Your Dc are hurt because step bro has stopped sending gifts? Well I wonder who has encouraged them in this view.

Of course it's normal for sibling to buy each other presents for their birthdays!

Well, mine don’t. And I’m not arm waving or outraged about it