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How would you have reacted to this woman?

40 replies

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 07:52

I'm still musing over this situation a month after it happened. I'm just really confused about it and not sure how others would have reacted.

I was at a meet-up thingy, just a one-off where we were supposed to be learning how to paint. We were sitting in groups of three to share paints etc. All women. None of us had never met either woman in my group before, all said hi, introduced ourselves etc etc.

One woman (woman A)- totally fine. We chatted a bit whenever we were waiting for the paint to dry/during break times etc. The other woman (woman B) talked to woman A but would NOT talk to me AT ALL. A couple of times I would say something (totally innocuous stuff) and she would just go 'hm' and ask the woman A a question or totally change the subject. Meanwhile, woman A would be trying to ask me more about what I had said.

I'm not the most out-going person, and I have issues with making friends beyond the acquaintance stage, but I've never had any issues with initial conversation, so it was really weird. There was nothing I could possibly have said to get her back up, she blanked me basically from the moment I introduced myself.

There's no way she's heard some viscious rumour about me or anything, we live on opposite ends of a huge city, no mutual friends or anything like that, besides which, I live a very quiet, placid life.

A few things she said did strike me as odd. One of the first questions she asked was if my husband was the same age as me. I said he was a year older and she said 'oh my husband is 10 years older, there's no way I could marry someone the same age as me.' I thought that was a bit weird, but I just brushed it off, cos whatever. She was also a bit boasty about some stuff like the size of her house and her husband's job, at one point she said something like 'not to show off, but my husband is a manager at xyz, sorry' which struck me as really odd (especially considering she doesn't even know what my husband does.)

It was like she had immediately decided I was beneath her in some way. And it really really doesn't bother me, it was just so.weird.

Woman A was totally fine and we're meeting up again next week, so it's not like I made some terrible social blunder or something.

We were there for 3 hours while she merrily chatted to woman A while ignoring me. TBH, it got awkward towards the end because it was so obvious.

I'm just wondering what others would do in this situation? Should I have said something? Or just let it lie and accept that some people just hate others on sight?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 23/11/2018 07:56

She sounds so odd and determined to be unkind that I don’t think there’s anything you could have said or done to improve the situation.
As you say she had judged you ( for no reason), and would have continued to dislike anything you did or said.
She had “ issues” and I’m glad you are meeting up with nice woman ,

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 07:58

Thank you! I'm just wondering if there was something I could be missing - of course from my perspective, I was friendly and not odd, and seeing her talk to woman A, she seemed totally normal. But she was just so weird towards me.

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 23/11/2018 08:01

Were you better at painting? She may have been jealous of your talent.

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 08:03

Ohhh, I wish!

I'd say she was better than me, not hard tbh!

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 23/11/2018 08:04

I hate to be the person that goes there but are you a different race to her? Otherwise it sounds as though she's a stuck up bitch. Probably made a judgement about how wealthy you are/aren't and rolled with it.

Gohackyourself · 23/11/2018 08:07

Any woman that measures you by her husbands achievements or standing is ignorant.
Whatever happened to women encouraging women clearly doesn’t work for this woman! Move on with happiness OP
And if you ever happen to bump into her at the next class , tell the instructor you wish to be in another group, discreetly or as indiscreetly as you so wish! Or ignore her this time Grin

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 08:10

Not a different race, but different nationality but I don't think that would bother her tbh. It's pretty common where I am (not UK).

This is why I'm so baffled, not to toot my own horn, but we definitely have more money than her. Not that I would ever dream of mentioning that.

OP posts:
Gohackyourself · 23/11/2018 08:18

It’s not about money/race/husbands achievements but it is for her.
I really wouldn’t spend a month worrying over her opinion of you and the reasons why it happened.
Some women(as are men) are just bitches unfortunately

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 08:25

gohack but that's what's so weird about it - I was definitely of an equal status. If anything, better qualified, husband in a better job etc. Besides which, there's no way she could know these things since she never spoke to me and I never mentioned anything about either of our jobs/where we live etc, so if she was judging me, it was 100% on sight.

I'm not worried about it so much as baffled. It was a really weird thing to happen and I'm just worried more that I'm doing something to come across as a twat to some people for some reason.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 23/11/2018 09:11

She sounds batshit and nasty

YeOldeTrout · 23/11/2018 09:15

Your child said something nasty to Woman B's kid 5 yrs ago & she still hasn't forgiven YOU for it. (?)

Honestly, life is too short. I'd probably go out of my way to observe her in future & try to figure her out. Asking around can be good. I puzzled for 18m why a woman was so rude to me, I finally asked around & turned out she was a cowbag to everyone & had had spectacular fallings out with many. I was lucky she went straight to rude to me & never faked being a friend.

PoisonousSmurf · 23/11/2018 09:17

As you said it was a month ago. Let it go. She must feel like that with everyone that she thinks is superior to her, so she goes for the jugular as a defence mechanism.
Forget about it. Hope you meet some nicer people at art class Smile

SnuggyBuggy · 23/11/2018 09:19

It doesn't sound like there is anything you could have done differently.

Oopsy41 · 23/11/2018 09:22

I would have asked her, something along the lines of " have I done something to offend you? " I wouldn't have been nasty or anything but I couldn't have sat there being treated like that

WellThisIsShit · 23/11/2018 09:28

You’re thinking the wrong way about this.
Don’t look for reasons why she’d think you’re beneath her, look for reasons why she was threatened by you.

And as you say, you are equal or actually rather better if you are the type to want to tot up social points - which she obviously was, and you obviously are not, hence your utter bafflement!

Sounds like she was trying to put you down and establish social superiority because she felt that you were competition and must be cut out.

For some reason she must have decided that she wanted to socialise with person A and therefore you needed squashing down so the competition would go away and leave her to her spoils...

I find it rather interesting that you are meeting up with person A. I suspect you were the victor in her little battle, which is probably all the more galling to her as you didn’t even know you were participating in a deadly battle for social victory!

Niceness and genuiness wins, by err, being nice, and genuine. Bravo!

(And one down for the vile game playing superior b*tch, ahem, sorry... can’t help a small victory dance although I know it’s not the point! Bigger person and all that) ...

redzebra10 · 23/11/2018 09:31

i knew a woman like that. decided she didn't like me before i even opened my mouth. she done exactly the same, 3 of us in the room but she would only look at the other woman when speaking and if i spoke she would ignore me . the other woman looked really embarrassed.
anyway after fretting about it for a week or so wondering what i had done to offend her i took the 'bollux to you' approch and done the same back.
it was awkward for a while but when she realised she wasn't going to get to me she started to grow up include me
op she's jealous of you . maybe your more attractive or popular or just have an ora about you that draws people in. ignore her

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 09:34

yeolde My child is only 4 and we live nowhere near each other, so nothing like that.

oopsy I really thought about it, and if she'd been directly nasty, I would have, but you know when someone just kind of blanks you and you think 'well, maybe they didn't hear me' or something like that? Plus she was being soooooo nice to the other woman. If I see her again, I might ask her, just out of curiosity more than anything.

So weird. Even if I hated someone on sight, I would still be polite to them. If someone says something I find offensive, I would just say it was offensive. And the idea of being jealous or pitying or snobby to anyone just wouldn't cross my mind (not to the extent of blanking them like that, obviously, I'm not saying I'm an angel.)

To the people saying 'let it go', it honestly hasn't hurt me or anything, I'm just so curious as to why.

OP posts:
Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 09:43

well maybe she felt threatened? People have definitely told me in the past that I come over as really confident, but I find it quite weird that anyone would find that threatening at all. I don't know. I never join in the 'I'm so fat/useless/my husband is a useless tool/idiot' stuff, and I do find that some women kind of use that as a bonding tool and if you don't do it, you can come across as stand-offish, but I refuse to sit around putting myself down.

redz maybe it was something like that, I don't know...

OP posts:
pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 23/11/2018 09:47

I have met loads of women like this. I was going to change that to people, but I have to be honest and it's only ever been women. I'm not sure why and I hate to say it.

Sometimes it's jealousy. Sometimes it's pure snobbery. Sometimes they're just not very nice. Sometimes it's all the above!

I went to a get together with a new friend a few years ago, who tbf was a little snobby herself, but her heart was in the right place and I did like her. She was well off and all her friends round the very trendy wooden bench in her enormous kitchen, were too. I hadn't met them before and I was almost laughing at how every single thing they said was to do with money and how much they had. I don't think they realised. I wasn't as well off back then and they probably picked up on that and any questions I asked were answered through my friend or somebody else. It was just rude and there really is no excuse.

greenlynx · 23/11/2018 09:49

Sometimes people behave so strange and it leaves you wondering for ages was it something about you or what....
I also think that this woman wanted to make friends with person A for some reason.
And it looks like she decided that you’re lower class than her probably because you didn’t show off and were quiet. There is a chance that it was about you being different nationality. People still could be really strange about this sometimes. Was person A the same age and nationality as you ?
Anyway no big loss for you, just ignore her next time at your class.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/11/2018 09:52

Maybe she, for whatever reason, saw person A as the ticket to an amazing social life and wanted it all to herself?

PsychedelicSheep · 23/11/2018 09:53

Silly old cow.

Reminds me of that old Harry Enfield sketch - 'I couldn't help noticing what we're considerably richer than yoouuu' 😂

But come on OP, a month! Stop the ruminating now, who gives a fuck what she thinks?!

Hisaishi · 23/11/2018 09:55

pretzl It was just so weird though, that she'd be snobby to me, but not the other woman! We were all the same. I think men love the sound of their own voice too much to act like this, they'd probably rather sit there putting you down instead of ignoring you (definitely had this off men!)

green We were all roughly the same age and all different nationalities. But all from English speaking countries. Definitely no big loss, if I see her again, I definitely won't engage, I just don't think I've ever had someone have such a strong dislike for me before.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/11/2018 09:56

20 years ago when I gave a massive shit who liked me and who didn't. I'd have gone and sobbed thinking "That women didn't like me. I must be worthless and horrible.
However if it were now I'd think. " Well I can be liked by some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time. Oh abx when she was bragging about her husband's job. Id havd been tempted to ask her what she does. At least what I've got has been bought through my own hard work and not through bunching of my husband's
sucssess

TheWiseWomansFear · 23/11/2018 10:00

Hmm, are you the same race? Are you much younger than her? Were you dressed very casually in comparison to her?

My first thoughts would be she feels superior to you due to racism, ageism or classism.

If none of these things you may remind her of someone she dislikes, or she's just an unpleasant person.