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Original poster

I have to do this don’t I?

37 replies

Pinkyponkcustard · 23/11/2018 07:05

We have a friend (I’ll call her eartha here for reasons that will soon become apparent) who is an absolute pain in the arse when she’s drunk. She’s been like it for at least the last ten years and has spoilt a fair few nights out (having to be put to bed early, getting thrown out of bars so we end the night early etc)

A couple of weekends ago she hit a new low by shitting the bed in an apartment we were staying in. The girl who was sharing with her found her wandering around the hallway naked in the middle of the night. She cleaned her up, washed all the bedding and slept in the living room,

Eartha didn’t apologise the day after, she just slunk off home early (common practice)

We’ve waited to see if the girl who paid the breakage deposit was charged, she hasn’t and now the girls want to send her a message saying no more.
We’re happy to see her for the odd meal out or if she’s out in couples with dp but absolutely no nights away.

I’ve drawn the short straw of sending the WhatsApp. Don’t get me wrong the idea of never having to put up with her antics in the future is a really wonderful thought - no thinking of strategies so she doesn’t get drunk too quick etc but I just feel so mean and sad.

She hasn’t got any other friends really and clearly has some kind of problem (even though she holds down a job/mortgage)
Are we abandoning her when she needs us or do I need to pull my big girl pants up and press send?

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 23/11/2018 07:07

Er NO, you don’t have to do it Hmm

strawberrypenguin · 23/11/2018 07:22

Hmmm I think she needs to be told tbh. That sort of behaviour from an adult isn't acceptable and it ruins everyone else's enjoyment too.

She doesn't apologise when sober or help clean up her own mess. I think as a group you have been more than fair. She is responsible for her own actions but you don't have to enable them.

Would talking to her face to face be better? I understand what you say about feeling sad about it.

Maybe it's in the way you word it as well. Start with we'd love to see you at meals out but don't feel comfortable going away overnight again. Rather than we're not going away with you again but we will throw you a bone on meals out iyswim

waxy1 · 23/11/2018 07:26

Just don’t tell her about your next trip.

She’ll know why.

icelollycraving · 23/11/2018 07:46

I think you need to tell her but surely an actual conversation?
I think if you can’t then say, you are not enjoying socialising as you have to frequently clean/sober her up. An evening out or a night away is time for you to unwind and you are ending up more tense. Tell her last time exactly what happened, that you all had to clean her shit up (literally) and you could have lost your deposit. It put the mockers in your weekend and whilst you love her, perhaps she needs to think about why she loses control so much on a night out or when away.

JuniorDetective · 23/11/2018 07:56

I would just stop inviting her and if she asks why, tell her then. If you send a message she might try convincing you she'll change etc etc.

snitzelvoncrumb · 23/11/2018 08:03

I don't think you should send that in a text. If it just comes from you, then she will blame you and that will make the odd meal out uncomfortable. I really think you should just stop inviting her out, she won't know you went out without her, you don't need to put it on Facebook.
If you text her, it needs to come from all not just you.

MotorcycleMayhem · 23/11/2018 08:07

Has noone asked her if she's ok?

RestingBitchFaced · 23/11/2018 08:20

Just don't tell her the next time your going anywhere

acatcalledjohn · 23/11/2018 08:25

Please don't ghost her as PPs have suggested. However, I'd go more down the concern route. Make a list of examples of her behaviour, and why that bothers you as friends and makes you not want to socialise with her anymore. Ask her why she behaves like that and point out you are worried for her.

It's certainly not normal behaviour on her part.

Averyimportantperson · 23/11/2018 08:29

Don't text her. Meet up and explain the situation.

And don't just ignore either.

Both those options are not fair to her.

ThanosSavedMe · 23/11/2018 08:34

Definitely a conversation. Do not send a WhatsApp message or stop inviting her out.

Ask her out of concern what’s going on. Tell her what she’s done and that you’re all worried about her. Tell her that you don’t want to do over nighters anymore as you don’t know what to expect (or what you do expect and it makes you not want to go)

ManHatingfeministType · 23/11/2018 08:38

"You shit yourself. Your friend cleaned it. And you didn't even say thank you. You're not invited to the Christmas party".

Just do it OP.

ManHatingfeministType · 23/11/2018 08:39

Both those options are not fair to her.

Alcoholism is one thing. But not apologising for vile behaviour is another. No one is owed anything once their mate cleans up their shit.

Original poster
Pinkyponkcustard · 23/11/2018 08:55

ManHatingfeministType That made me proper laugh! It’s just the most random unbelievable act - getting so drunk you shit the bed. I’d never drink again!

On the checking she’s okay, nothing has “happened” recently - she’s got form for this type of thing, defo not the first time. On one of the hen do’s we went on last year - one of the girls looked after earthas mum (she was so drunk she ended up in a&e) eartha never acknowledged it and I think it’s just become “that’s the way eartha behaves” etc etc, eye roll

I couldn’t ghost her - I’ve known her forever and her dp is mates with our dps and dhs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkyponkcustard · 23/11/2018 08:56

Also we’ve got a trip booked for next year for one of my relatives birthdays and she’s paid a deposit

OP posts:
JustGettingStarted · 23/11/2018 09:01

You'll have to refund the deposit of course.

JustGettingStarted · 23/11/2018 09:03

She will be hurt. She may even react in anger. But she needs to stop drinking and this may be something that helps her to reach that conclusion.

Ohyesiam · 23/11/2018 09:07

I would make it a face to face not a message, and I’d make it clear that I’m Saying no to the behaviour, not to her.
She has free will to change her behaviour. If she has an alcohol problem then it’s going to take a lot to change it, but she still has free will( I’m en ex drug addict, so I don’t say this in a naive way).

If I were maki g a complete fool of myself and putting people off me I’d want someone to confront me.
She knows deep down it’s out of order ( slinking away), she needs a shove in the right direction.

In 12 steps it’s said that if someone wants to take responsibility and change their behaviour , they often need to hit their “ rock bottom”, which can be someone turning round and saying ” I can’t put up with this any longer, grow up”.

So go to her open heartedly, she won’t take it well, but actually it’s a kind act, to stop someone whose on self destruct.

Grace212 · 23/11/2018 09:07

I realise you've put up with a lot
but sending this via a message doesn't seem right

could a few of you pop to see her, explain your worries, and say that there will be no more inviting her on these trips?

alternatively just don't tell her when you go out, she will soon find out and I assume will know why? but that seems a bit harsh too.

Original poster
Pinkyponkcustard · 23/11/2018 09:11

@Ohyesiam That is such good advice. I don’t think until recently any of us thought she had a “problem” Thing is she’s sober all week at work and then goes on these benders at the weekend. Wouldn’t she be drunk all the time if it was alcoholism?

OP posts:
babysharkah · 23/11/2018 09:11

If she was that drunk that she shat in the bed does she actually remember she did it?

I think a message is fine, referencing the next trip and saying that sorry but due to her behaviour on previous trips you can't risk it happening again.

H1dingInSight · 23/11/2018 09:19

It’s a complete fallacy that alcoholics are drunk all the time. Some are; many aren’t.

bluebuttonface · 23/11/2018 09:20

OP, is her DP worth bringing in here? Is it behavior that concerns him too?
Agree that she has a problem and better not to approach this all guns blazing. Go in with kindness and offer support to help her get better.

ManHatingfeministType · 23/11/2018 09:20

If she was that drunk that she shat in the bed does she actually remember she did it?

The slinking off would imply she did, also you'd wonder where your clothes went, wouldn't you?

JW1226 · 23/11/2018 09:24

I'd be very concerned tbh adults don't just shit the bed most don't even piss the bed, does she remember doing that or perhaps she was embarrassed so didn't want to say "Thankyou". Was she taking drugs or anything?

I'd message her yeah sure and ask if she's ok.