I have to do this don’t I?

[Pinkyponkcustard]

We have a friend (I’ll call her eartha here for reasons that will soon become apparent) who is an absolute pain in the arse when she’s drunk. She’s been like it for at least the last ten years and has spoilt a fair few nights out (having to be put to bed early, getting thrown out of bars so we end the night early etc)

A couple of weekends ago she hit a new low by shitting the bed in an apartment we were staying in. The girl who was sharing with her found her wandering around the hallway naked in the middle of the night. She cleaned her up, washed all the bedding and slept in the living room,

Eartha didn’t apologise the day after, she just slunk off home early (common practice)

We’ve waited to see if the girl who paid the breakage deposit was charged, she hasn’t and now the girls want to send her a message saying no more.
We’re happy to see her for the odd meal out or if she’s out in couples with dp but absolutely no nights away.

I’ve drawn the short straw of sending the WhatsApp. Don’t get me wrong the idea of never having to put up with her antics in the future is a really wonderful thought - no thinking of strategies so she doesn’t get drunk too quick etc but I just feel so mean and sad.

She hasn’t got any other friends really and clearly has some kind of problem (even though she holds down a job/mortgage)
Are we abandoning her when she needs us or do I need to pull my big girl pants up and press send?

I certainly wouldn't message her that's really bitchy behaviour.

Personally if She was my friend I'd not have such booze filled nights and urge her to stop drinking at a certain point, not let her get wasted, point out what happened last time. If I failed and it happened again I'd probably speak to her and say everyone was worried about her and it was difficult to deal with the issues that arise, ask her if there is anything she can think of to help you all out as you care for her.

And if it still continues I'd stop inviting her as I'd feel I'd done my bit.

I write As someone who was told off for her bad behaviour via text message from a best friend please don't do that.
Please meet her and speak face to face and agree with PP it's her behaviour rather than her that needs to change
Sounds to me like she has some issues with alcohol and needs her friends more than ever.
Don't ghost her
Be kind

Thanks op.
I’m no expert on alcoholism, but doing anything to the extent that it spoils relationships and your life must be a problem.
I think there are probably many shades of alcohol problem, and I also think it has to start somewhere. No one ever went from sober to drinking 24/7, so there must be something in between.
I also imagine binge drinking can be classed as an alcohol problem.

There is an organisation called Alanon for friends and family of people with alcohol problems. They have lots of info on their website that makes get help.
Good luck with it op.

Also perhaps warn your DH beforehand, as your friend's DH may go to him to vent/complain/angry. Having your DH on board and understanding may help there.

But yes, totally agree with the PP who mentioned having to hit rock bottom before getting better.

Someone else mentioned drugs: is there any chance she slinks off when you are all out together to take something that could explain this total lack of control over her behaviour?

Hmm hadn’t thought about the drugs thing she used to take all sorts of pills when she was younger, not sure she’ll have a dealer now but it’s not out of the realms of possibility.

Such a flipping mess.

Think we will organise a midweek tea out so there’s no booze (although she’s likely to have a wine with dinner) and check that a) she’s ok and b) tell her that we love her but that we can’t cope with her behaviour anymore so no more nights away. I’ll give her the deposit back for the next trip.

Thanks all

I think if you choose to say something then it has to come from you only. You can't speak for other people or it could be perceived as ganging up on her. If the others want to stop contact or whatever then they have to have the balls to speak to her individually

That sound like a very loving way to deal with a friend.

Mid week tea and chat sounds very good.

Could you give her the choice with the night away - no drunk antics or money back if you don't think you'd manage it?

Her behaviour is clearly awful but nobody's expressed any problem with it previously either. Maybe she'd value the time all together enough to choose not to drink if you all tell her what a big problem it is.

'Not fair ' ?? Shitting the bed is fair '?????

No, you don't need to be 'drunk ' all the time to be an alcoholic ( speaks the voice of experience)

I don’t know whether she’s an alcoholic
I do know that’s dreadful behaviour and needs to be dealt with
But by WhatsApp and by virtually unfriending her on behalf of the group is a Mean Girl thing to do.

You don’t need to be unkind to deal with this

I wouldn't send anything via WhatsApp - I suspect your friends will back off from it all and you'll be left to deal with the fallout.