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Original poster

Should visitors stick to hosts' sleeping /waking times?

35 replies

RedFin · 19/11/2018 20:53

A family member came to visit for a few days. We have a young child and tend to go to bed at what I recognise is an early time 9/9.30. (Baby is put to bed around 7:30.) Maybe 10 if we're watching a film. Dh wakes at 6:00 and baby and I wake up/get up around 7/8.
I stayed up till 10 watching TV with family member the two or three nights they were here, then went to bed.
They didn't wake up /get up til 11:30 or 12, having stayed up late watching TV and then reading. They didn't disturb us going to bed but I found it awkward for meals and day trips. We'd be between breakfast and lunch by the time they got up but it was too long to lunch for them to wait. Then if they ate at 12 and we had lunch at 1:30 they were ready for lunch at 3 but we were thinking of dinner around 6. And then organising to go out was tricky because by the time they got up it was nearly not worth going anywhere.

I appreciate it's not a big deal and was only for a couple of days. And if we were in their house we wouldn't be staying up til 2am watching TV then sleeping til noon just to fit in with the host's timetable.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

A580Hojas · 19/11/2018 20:55

If I were visiting you I would go to bed at 11/12 and be up by 7/8. Would that be ok?

Original poster

RedFin · 19/11/2018 20:58

Hojas yes you can stay!! I certainly wasn't expecting them to be up at 7 or 8 but maybe 9:30 or 10?

I didn't say anything about it or act annoyed. I just was having a think about it afterwards

OP posts:

Nesssie · 19/11/2018 20:59

They can go to bed anytime they like as long as they aren’t disturbing you.
If you were planning on going out then I would have told them the night before and given a specific time so they could get up earlier.
It is a bit rude to sleep in so late when staying over though.

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HillyMillylunchmunch · 19/11/2018 20:59

It really pisses me off when we have guests who stay in bed gone about 8.30am. We're all up from 7 ish, I don't expect people to do that but I think staying in bed for hours after the hosts are up and getting on with things is really rude. Especially if they then expect you to wait on them.

I fully expect others to disagree and say guests should be allowed to wake when they want, and I did to some extent when I was a much younger childfree guest myself, but to be honest it really pisses me off now.

user1493413286 · 19/11/2018 20:59

I wouldn’t sleep that long into the day at someone’s house; my waking and bedtime are pretty similar to yours but pre-children I went to bed later and got up later but more like 8.30/9 which I think is fairly reasonable.
I think if that person came again you could solve it by saying the night before “we thought we’d go to x tomorrow and leave at 10 so did you need waking”
When people visit us now our days out need to fit vaguely with normal meal times for DD and it’s pointless for her to not go out until the afternoon as she’d be asleep so I do kind of expect people to follow our routine a bit

Faultymain5 · 19/11/2018 21:00

I would assume anyone visiting me not getting up till 11.30am, has no intention of having days out with me.

I'd find it rude, even if I went to bed at midnight.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/11/2018 21:01

I wouldn't sleep in that late as I'm used to getting up with the kids/work anyway. I would go to bed about 11-11:30pm and would be up by 8am. I try to fit in with the host or at least not inconvenience them.

TBH, I would do what you're going to do. Maybe get buffet lunch stuff in so they can prep their own food and say you're doing dinner at 6pm. Go out if you want, leave them keys in case they want to go somewhere while you're out. Nothing more you can do really except invite them to join you at specified times and leave it to them.

OrchidInTheSun · 19/11/2018 21:02

9-10 am is fine. Anything after 10am if people have young kids is a bit tone deaf

Butterymuffin · 19/11/2018 21:03

That is rude, yes. As a pp said, 9.30/10 maybe, but not getting on for lunchtime!

TheWiseWomansFear · 19/11/2018 21:03

I can't sleep until 12 and my wake up time for work is 8.45 so that's what my body clock is used to. So long as they didn't disturb you it would be very rude to make them live by your timetable...

TheWiseWomansFear · 19/11/2018 21:04

It's 9pm now and I haven't even eaten dinner yet...

DollyWilde · 19/11/2018 21:07

That’s a bit off. DH doesn’t have an issue with sleeping in when we are guests but I would always be downstairs (even if in pjs) by 9am, unless I was certain I hadn’t heard our hosts get up yet.

DollyWilde · 19/11/2018 21:07

(That said MIL insists we lie in at hers and brings us tea and toast in bed but she’s so insistent I think she likes spoiling us so I begrudgingly accept!)

Stuckforthefourthtime · 19/11/2018 21:07

Thats late and I also think them rude for eating outside of your timing. My sister visits and sometimes has odd waking patterns due to her shift work, but will always make a point to ask when we usually have lunch or of any plans during the day, and works around it, and we do similar when we visit others.

CherryPavlova · 19/11/2018 21:07

I think it’s the hosts responsibility to make guests feel as welcome as possible. I think any plans or expectations should be discussed openly upfront.
If I have guests and am planning to drive into town around 10am or am likely to be out with the dog at about 8am, I simply say that’s what I’m doing and we decide if they want to join me or if not, what is available for breakfast.
If my daughter and her boyfriend have just finished nights, I’d not expect them to be up early. I’d encourage them to lie in and make breakfast happily at 11am. I think one has to be flexible.
We’d tell guests we were going to bed if they wanted to stay up later than us, say goodnight and shut the door to our end of the house.

ScreamingValenta · 19/11/2018 21:08

If it's a short visit (say, less than four days) I think they should at least make an effort to keep to similar hours.

If a guest is tired and wants to go to bed earlier than the hosts I don't think that should ever be considered unreasonable.

On a longer visit I think it would be unreasonable to expect guests to get up with the lark every day if they weren't naturally inclined to do so.

Getting up earlier than hosts shouldn't normally be an issue as long as they are quiet about it, ditto staying up later at night.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2018 21:10

And if we were in their house we wouldn't be staying up til 2am watching TV then sleeping til noon just to fit in with the host's timetable

Haven't you answered your own question? You yourself wouldn't do it, so why expect someone else to?

To be honest going to bed at nine and getting up at eight is a shit load of time in bed. And honestly woildnt be normal for many people.

Rinceoir · 19/11/2018 21:18

My in-laws have a very odd sleeping schedule. They’ll stay up until 2/3am and sleep until 11am most days. I find it annoying but don’t say anything as they are very nice in-laws generally!

When we stay with them though they make comments if I try to go to bed at 10/11pm! As you say I’m totally unable to stay up so late these days so I let them get on with their own schedule with me and I get on with my own with them. What does annoy me is when they babysit (rarely as they live a long distance from us) they let DD stay up until after 10 meaning I then have a fractious 4 year old the next day.

pileoflaundry · 19/11/2018 21:22

Does the guest have children? Pre-children I would be sleep-deprived by the weekend, stay up a bit late reading because I didn't get time on other days and it helped me to unwind, and then sleep in late. It was a fabulous part of the week and I probably wouldn't have realised what a pain I was being .

Years ago I worked long hours with a huge commute and caught up on sleep at weekends. It was awful. PIL visited for a weekend, I explained the situation, DH and I said that we were really tired, and said we would love to do anything during the day but please let us sleep in. PIL kept us up late talking (we went to our room but could hear them through the wall), woke us up ridiculously early, made lots of noise, and DH and I didn't stand a chance of going back to sleep. I cried. We never invited them again. So your guest could be worse...

DoveSecret · 19/11/2018 21:23

I don’t have people over to stay anymore. They make too much noise. BIL sings in the bathroom, and lives alone so doesn’t really notice the noise he makes🙄.

I had my brother and family over once between Christmas and New Year and their son woke me up at 7am asking for breakfast. He said his mum was asleep. I sent him to their room to wake her. Not my responsibility.

DoveSecret · 19/11/2018 21:25

Pressed post too soon!!

Id never stay until late and lie in late. Id probably go to bed at 11 then up about 8.

jocktamsonsbairn · 19/11/2018 21:25

Yep I agree with Bluntness, you have kind of answered your own question!! I like going to bed late and getting up late when I'm not working so I wouldn't like having to get up early every morning. I presume if you were staying with me you would find it unfair going to bed past midnight and getting up at 10?
However if you stayed with me I would make a point of showing you where tea, coffee,breakfast stuff was in case you wanted it earlier. You'd be welcome to go to bed when you liked and get up when you liked and I would hope you felt relaxed enough in my home to do so.
If we had plans for the next day they would be discussed and agreed beforehand so everyone knew what time we expected to leave.
My teens would hate feeling pressured about getting up that early to please someone and have never bothered with visitors getting up early - just grunting and turning over if a wee one has gone into their room at an ungodly hour!

Live and let live and accept that everyone's different.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 19/11/2018 21:45

For all the people saying they think visitors should stick to whatever timetable they prefer - surely this depends on why you are having visitors? If it's my niece staying as a convenient place to crash while visiting her own friends I don't mind, so long as she doesn't wake us when she staggers in - but if it was my sister or a family friend I'd be hurt if they stayed multiple days in essentially a different time zone, especially with DCs when it's hard to be flexible yourself.
What's the point of having people over for just a couple of days if you barely see them? Waste of washing and catering!

RiverTam · 19/11/2018 21:47

Go to bed when you like but staying in bed that late the next day is pretty rude, but didn’t you discuss what you were planning to do that day?

Original poster

RedFin · 19/11/2018 22:09

The night before I had said that we could visit ☓ Town or go for a walk in Y Park and visitor said yes let's decide tomorrow. But by 11.30 we were wondering if we should go alone

Yeah, I know we spend more time than the norm in bed but dh gets up early and the baby wakes us during the night so we go early

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