DH driving me mad

[ltoliviabenson]

NC for this.

Around 2 years ago I found out DH was in credit card debt, of around £14,500. Ran up on stupid stuff, personal stuff, minor stuff and all historic. I found out when he let it slip in conversation he had a credit card, until then I was completely unaware.

I felt so betrayed by the lies, upset, but thought ok we could work it out. One day we had a row about money (or the lack of) and he promised he would get better, save up more somehow, get another job etc. He said he'd been burying his hand in the sand about the problem. Not accepting the severity etc. I told him he had 1 year to get a proper plan in place or I would leave him. Not to pay the whole thing off but just a better payment plan.

It's been 12/13 months now and he's making the minimum payments but that's it. It's all just kicked off again because I can't afford to buy a car as I'm supplementing our joint account to make up for the shortfall from his side.

I'm just tired of living with no money, I'm tired of feeling guilty for spending even £10 on myself thinking that could go to better use in the house. Tired of knowing we're not going to have holidays, I'm just so so tired of it all. I resent DH for putting me in this position, is that fair? But what do I do. Do I leave him? I love him so much, but it's been a whole year and he hasn't done much. Surely with the threat of me leaving him, he could have done something.

I've been saving up money, just a little each month, to ensure we have a rainy day fund. I could help him pay it off with this money but I've tried so hard to save it. And then not having a rainy day fun scares me.

Just to add - he did get a second part time job but he has to get approval from the first job, and they didn't give it which meant he had to leave in the first month. And he works shifts so difficult to get another second job. Which I do understand.

Not sure what else he can do. Not sure what I want from him. Not sure what anyone can tell me. I just needed somewhere to write it all down. I haven't told anyone in RL about this. No friends, not even my mum. Partly because I'm ashamed, and embarrassed. Partly because he doesn't want people to think differently of him.

I wouldn't be happy. Do you have children?

@VanellopeVonSchweetz99 no children. Can't afford to just yet unfortunately.

So how would he feel if you took over all the finances? He'd get pocket money, that's it. And how would you feel about having to do that?

Sorry you're going through this.

Sounds like he/both of you need to sit down and look at all the numbers and sort out a budget plan.
Getting in that situation wouldn't bug me so much, hell, it could have been me, but him dragging his feet about getting it sorted is really not nice.
Might it be the case that he wants to sort it out but doesn't have the financial know-how (and is embarrassed about that)?
Or is he just in denial/doesn't care?
Do you feel like he is using you?
What are his hopes and dreams for the future?

Neither of us are in careers where overtime is a possibility, so that's out. He can't get a second job. I'm not even sure what the solution is. I just know I resent him for putting me in this position in the first place.

Money is all I think about, before making plans, and then after making plans I feel guilty. He doesn't have that. He makes the minimum payment each month (purely because he can't make any more) and that's it, whereas I'm left with that mental load and I feel it's just getting too much now.

He would let me look after his finances. But I know he doesn't spend anything or much on himself. He's not in the best paying job so all his leftover money goes on paying the cards. I'm the higher earner so able to save a little and also put extra in to the joint account.

@VanellopeVonSchweetz99 I reckon he's more in denial than anything which is just so different from my personality.

We did a budget plan around a year ago, and he earns enough to make the minimum payment plus an extra £30/50 each month on 3 credit card and he has met that for the last year.

He's not as ambitious as me, so he doesn't mind not having a holiday every year or not buying new clothes etc. But I want it. I want the finer things in life. I earn enough to be able to give myself that but at the moment I'm supplementing his short fall hence the resentment. It's just building up all the time.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Unless he steps up and looks for a better paying job I don't think the outlook is great. Resentment and financial issues are not good foundations for your future family life. Does he know how you feel right now? Do you think he's willing and able to change? Might his parent be able to help?

No to his parents. They're horrible people. My parents would probably offer to pay it off but I don't want to put that on them at all, it wouldn't be fair.

His job is low paying / lower paying than me at the moment but it's because he's at the start of his career. I can't ask him to give that up and at same time he would never want to.

It's true the resentment has just built up so much. At the rate he's gonna be able to pay it off, don't think I can handle another 2 years of this.

I'm so torn over what to do.

So, have a push to reduce the debt in 2019 and make it a team effort. If interest rates are going to rise, you need to do it anyway.

Don’t use your rainy day fund but help in practical ways. Take lunches in to work, no takeaways, make do and mend, swap brands for supermarket own label.

If he’s stuck to the budget for a year, I think he’s doing ok. I’d stick it out with him. There’s nothing to be ashamed of at all.

Im struggling to see what he could have done. He doesn't overspend, he tried to get another job, he can't get overtime and you don't want him to change jobs... apart from getting into debt in the first place, he's where he is.

He's never going to clear that amount of debt making just the minimum payment.

This is you guys for life, if he keeps on like this.

Do you really want to be living like this forever? I couldn't bear it.

Have a look at www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/debt-dieter-winner/ for money saving ideas and make sure you're on the best plans for gas, electricity, phones, broadband, insurance etc. Have a bills account you both pay equally into for that sort of stuff.

Get some advice on his finances - is he on the best deals. Should he post the minimum on two cards and overpay on the smallest one, for example? Is one coming to the end of a 0% interest deal? Has he any idea?

Even if you don't want to stay together with him, and I wouldn't blame you, you're going to want to be in your own strongest position anyway and some of the ideas in that link might still be useful to you.

You really need to look around at how other people have cleared their debts. Money saving expert or YNAB. for example. Paying the minimum re payments probably doesn’t reduce the debt I probably covers some of the interest. Get advice!! Now! Citizens advice or someone could get the debt frozen so no more interest is added to it. You’ve both ignored it for a year, I’m sure the debt is just bigger now.

How can you have joint life goals if you don’t have joint financial goals and input?

If he had stopped the overspending, so the whole problem is historic, I would want to help as a parent. Lend you the money to pay off interest free. I appreciate I might be in a different position than your parents.

The amount is so high, is the amount being repaid even covering interest? You need to look at your joint finances and work out where you are with them. See how it can be paid off.

How long will it take him to pay that £14k off at minimum rates?

Could his parents pay it off and you pay them back each month? You would be paying out less if they didn’t charge interest etc.
Having debt is so expensive, it’s difficult

The interest on his credit cards is going g to be expensive, very expensive. Has he spoken to the bank about a personal loan so he could payoff the card debt in full? The loan interest rates are far lower. As it stands, only paying the minimum payment is going to take a long time and cost a fortune.

Excellent advice above but he's unlikely to change while you bail, him out. Why would he? No incentive. I hope you can sort it out. Dont have any children with this man though.

I think you need to decide if you are going to work together on clearing this debt or not. Only you really know your dh and whether you trust him on this.
If you decide to work together then you need to pool your resources, look at every option that will help reduce the debt (including organisations like Stepchange, CAP or the CAB) and set out a budget and a plan along those lines.

I think if you let him potter along paying the minimum the debt will be with you for ever and will kill your relationship. Does your dh realise this?

You can't trust him or depend on him. I wouldn't live that way.

Sorry I'm trying to read the responses and remember the questions asked.

When we argued about it a year ago, we sorted out a budget plan as such. All the cards are interest free so that's ok. For the next 2 years at least. We've switched energy supplied, switched from Tesco to Aldi and only buy what we need. We've stopped going out, not even a takeaway as a treat like we used to. I feel we both do all we can on the money we earn but I resent him more and more each day. I hate living this way.

We have no children, we just can't afford it. I wouldn't want children while 'we' are in debt.

It's the resentment I'm struggling with. He changed the course of our marriage, or atleast a good few years of it, and then buried his head in the sand.

His parents won't give him anything. They're awful people. I'm no contact with them and he had minimal contact

My parents would but I don't see why they should have to. They worked hard for their money and shouldn't have to bail their son in law out from their retirement fund. I couldn't do that do them. It would be unfair.

I've managed to save a little from my wage. Should I use this to help him? I feel really resentful that I don't want to use my money to help him out when he got in to this mess in the first place. That doesn't sound very loving or caring of me but it's just how I feel at the moment.

I would suggest looking at getting a loan to pay off the credit card. Loan rates are very low at the moment and it would mean a fixed monthly payment, constantly reducing the debt, with a fixed end date.

Dont ask your parents. Instead of rethinking your finances you really need to be rethinking the relationship. You already resent your husband intensely and this is unlikely to improve. Maybe find some relationship counselling, just to straighten things out in your mind. You are at risk of carrying this guy for years. Can you do that? Do you want to?

No don't take out a loan! You'll be paying interest where you aren't at the moment. Bonkers advice.

Have you worked out when he'll pay it off if you carry on as you are?

What about if you built in some leeway like a takeaway or a holiday now and again? What difference would that make to the date of paying it off? Weeks? Months? Years?

It does sounds miserable.

How much do you have saved? Is it your escape route?