Awful argument with DP about peas

[MrsCillianMurphy2]

I had a pretty awful childhood.
One memory is a roast dinner.
Lots of lovely food but a huge pile of peas. I hated peas. My Dad locked me in the dining room . I wasn’t allowed any water. 40 years later I can still the peas with a layer of grease where they’d turned cold. I wasn’t allowed to leave until every last pea had been eaten.
DP knows I have an absolute hatred of peas.
Today DP & I cooked dinner- peas for him & leeks for us both.
DP served up & handed me my plate. A huge plate of peas.
I reached for the spoon to remove them from my plate :
‘You fucking ungrateful cow. You treat me like an imbecile ‘
I ate dinner with tears pouring down my face.
He says I’m being overly sensitive

I'm so angry on your behalf. Even without the childhood abuse (and I'm so sorry you had to go through that), this is a horrible way for him to act.

Please tell him in no uncertain terms how completely out of order his behaviour is. Find your anger. No one should treat you like that.

This is so far removed from a normal relationship I don’t know what advice to offer you.

It’s a touch irritating when you serve up a dinner and something you know your SO likes ends up not getting eaten is left. It’s not when you serve something up you know they don’t like. You just don’t eat it. As for the insults - I would never say anything like that and neither would DH to me.

Your reasons for not liking peas are stronger than mine - I just don’t like them. Sometimes DH gently takes the piss. But that’s it. There’s no abusive backstory.

I can’t beleive people are trying to swing this as potentially your fault. That language is appalling to anyone in the context it’s given.

What did he say/do while you were crying?

Without the pea thing even what he said was out of order-no one should dpeak to anyone like that. I curse sometimes but that sounds venemous

Thank you all for your replies. I can’t respond in detail at the moment.
I can say I didn’t eat the peas.
To those who said I over reacted- maybe I did. But I’ve justified years of beatings from my Dad (with a snooker q) to not have to excuse the peas.

Sounds like you married your Dad Mark 2.

He did this on purpose, any normal person, knowing the background or simply that you didn't like them would have said would have said oh sorry I forgot you didn't eat them.
The abusive comments and twisting it to be your fault seem very calaculated.
Is he generally quite controlling and have you done anything that may have upset him recently?
I don't think suddenly helping with dinner and dishing up was a random decision on his part.

OP

One abusive man is one too many, don’t become the victim of another. Don’t hide from this issue OP. It’s really big.

So he hasn’t served a meal up in months, and the one he does he manages to deliberately creating an argument over - so he doesn’t have to serve a meal up again (or if he does, at least he got to punish you for it this time)

Could that be true?

Next paragraph is my experience of force feeding so avoid if triggering.

You poor thing. When I was a child (also peas!) I was sometimes made to sit at the table until they were eaten. I literally couldn’t - I’d pick them up on the fork, get them in my mouth, and my gag reflex would kick it. An hour or so later, my dad would lose his shit and the peas (cold, salty from my crying) would go into a serving spoon, and my nose would be held until I had to open my mouth to breathe, then they’d be stuffed in. I can still remember the feeling of a spoon too wide for my mouth straining the corners uncomfortably.

I shared, as I want you to know I totally understand that this making you cry was not you being sensitive.

You don’t need to accept this bullying x

Choke him with the peas in his sleep, he sounds like an absolute cunt.

Ok that might have been a bit full on. Don't choke him with peas. But do LTB.

Bin him. (And the peas)

I'm with BrazenHussy

I read the first post, and no further. It wasn't necessary. Run like fuck.

I don't understand why he said you treat him like an imbecile?
or why you sat there with tears running down your face,
sounds like you're both drama queens TBH. hard work all round

Ellisandra. ((Hug)). I’m so sorry your Dad was like that.

MrsC ((Hug)) I’m very sorry your childhood was so awful too.

You need to leave him. You deserve someone much better than him. You’re not a child, he’s not your Dad... you don’t have to put up with this. You WILL be ok, better than ok, if you leave.

Anyone saying you over reacted REALLY doesn’t understand.

I’m confused about his comment about being treat like an imbicile though. It makes no sense?!

Speckled - The op was a victim of abuse as a child, not a fussy fucking eater. Minimize much?

i have on occasion put food my husband doesn't like on his plate... he either offers it to me, as in "Seren would you like my grilled tomato?" or he just moves it to the side and doesnt eat it, or he places it back on the serving plate so someone else can have it, hes never made a fuss and i would never ever treat him like your husband treated you!
I hope you told him if he EVER dares to speak to you like that again it will be the last time he speaks to you!

Vandrew - perhaps if you have no understanding of trauma you should avoid adult discussions where it is very obviously an issue? The op was crying eating peas because she was a victim of childhood abuse and the go to response of such a person is to do as we're fucking told to avoid a beating.

I have a strong feeling this is not the only instance of disrespect from him. OP, please realise this behaviour from him is absolutely not normal. It’s perfextly reasonable for you to have a thing about peas, and it is totally unreasonable of him to be so atrociously rude.

I don’t think you should be with him.

Abusive childhood to abusive marriage. Sadly such a common occurrence. Please leave this hideous man.

He doesn't love you dear, he just showed you that. Leave him and find your happiness

That wasn't an argument. That was him abusing you. I'm so sorry. I'd start making plans to leave.

Wow. I feel for you OP. Your OH has behaved outrageously and you're not overreacting at all. This was not ok.

vandrew4 really? Did you not read the but where she said her father used to beat her? Clearly the lead on her plate brought back those awful memories.