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Original poster

Friend lied about her wedding!

55 replies

Tillytoes1 · 16/11/2018 17:41

Hi,
I have a really good friend who I have been friends with since our children were 5 (they’re now 12), we had pregnancies 6 weeks apart and spent a lot of time together and also I’ve been there for her during her grief when she had her miscarriage and also when her brother died suddenly and always have made time for each other for a coffee etc. Last year I knew she was getting married to her partner, which she had told me had taken place in her home country, as she said she didn’t want a big wedding and only wanted close family there. Last night I saw a post which someone had shared with her on Facebook and she had actually got married locally with many of her friends and family present, some being friends I also know who we both met through our children’s school.
I am so puzzled why she felt the need to lie about her wedding, which I can only assume that she did so because she didn’t want us present on her big day, she even showed me pictures of her wedding dress before the big event.
I honestly don’t know what to think? Should I mention it when I see her next?
Has this friendship been one big lie and she actually doesn’t like being around me?
I’m not sure if I’m over-reacting but I just don’t understand why she lied to me about her wedding, I understand if she didn’t want me there on her big day but why lie to me about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillytoes1 · 16/11/2018 18:57

It’s not because our children drifted apart and we didn’t see each other because we did, even though my child went to a state school and hers a private school. It’s not the invited part that I’m most confused by, it’s the lying about getting married in a different country, her home country. We both don’t see each other’s husbands much because they both work long hours and when both have spoken, it’s been fine and definitely no tension, so it’s defintiely not because he/she dislikes my husband. My husband said maybe it’s because she thought I’d be too busy because our daughter would have been 2 and hers a similar age but there are people there with toddlers, so it’s not that, I know that they are all upper class people and maybe that had something to do with it, I am only guessing off course. Still, I hate being lied to, I just can’t work out why she said she was having a small wedding in her home town, I mean I just can’t work it all out Hmm

OP posts:
dinosaurglitterrepublic · 16/11/2018 19:01

I would just bring it up face to face when you see her, that way she doesn’t have any advance notice that you are aware of the situation. Better to catch her on the back foot and see what she says. It’s pretty strange, that’s for sure.

6onTheHappyFarm · 16/11/2018 19:02

Just ask her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
TheDowagerCuntess · 16/11/2018 19:16

Don't comment on Facebook. If she can go to this level of deception, she will just ignore the Facebook comment, if she even sees it.

In all honesty, I would just cool the friendship.

There is no rational explanation for this, that doesn't boil down to anything other than she didn't want you there, and she went to great lengths to ensure it. There is no coming back from that.

Thanks
HurricaneHalle · 16/11/2018 19:30

Maybe she felt it was easier to say the wedding was going to be overseas was better than saying "you're not invited". Who knows?

Blueberryhill123 · 16/11/2018 19:35

Have you ever had the impression that her DH is 'flirty' with you?
If so, maybe she senses he's got a bit of a thing for you (clutching at straws), it's difficult to know why you've been excluded without you asking her.

Mxyzptlk · 16/11/2018 19:39

I would worry that if I asked her I'd appear needy

OP wouldn't appear needy. She doesn't have to ask why she didn't get an invite, only about why the friend lied that the wedding was abroad.

Original poster
Tillytoes1 · 16/11/2018 19:48

We had what i considered was a very close friendship, she even brought me flowers and chocolates when we met for coffee on occasions and she was what I would class as a very good friend. However, I think maybe what I viewed as a close friendship was not what she viewed as a close friendship and maybe I was just someone she associated with but we shared a lot together and made time for each other even though we both had busy lives. I understand people not inviting people to weddings etc, that’s fine but the need to lie about it being only family and getting married abroad is a complete different matter and I really don’t know why she felt she needed to lie to me.

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 16/11/2018 20:00

Very strange and quite hurtful. I'd simply ask her why.
Don't get chippy about her being upper class and you being middle, whatever they are, in my experience such things mean nothing between friends and actually, the ones you might think are socially superior are embarrassed by it.

happydays1983 · 16/11/2018 20:03

Weddings bring out a horrendous side out on people.
She's not worth your friendship.
I lost a best friend over a wedding as I booked my wedding first and then she booked hers a few weeks before mine abroad.
Told me I had plenty holidays to take and could afford it so cut her off!!!!
Plus she wanted me to have a joint henny while we were abroad.
Maybe this is a godsend for you.
It's so hurtful at the time but I don't regret my decision.

lozengeoflove · 16/11/2018 20:06

How do you feel about just asking her about it?

Original poster
Tillytoes1 · 16/11/2018 21:01

Rachelover40-I was not being chippy, i was just trying to find a reason why she would have lied.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 16/11/2018 21:06

Stop trying to make excuses for her OP. Makes you sound desparate.

POPholditdown · 16/11/2018 21:17

This might be a reach but I wonder if she’s told you other lies previously about herself/her life and just wanted to avoid embarrassment of being found out. Or told
you things that she doesn’t want her other friends to know.

I have a friend like this (I say friend, we rarely see each other now) but in the past she’s told lies about things like relationships with people who I was unlikely to ever meet, that kind of thing. Weird things, that I eventually found out weren’t true by just being in the right place at the right time.

OffToBedhampton · 16/11/2018 21:43

As I posted earlier, she doesn't sound as good.a friend as you thought or she would have invited you to her wedding. Weird she lied but I expect you are receiving evaluating friendship now anyway. Just downgrade the friendship mentally so that it fits more with evidence, no need to put yourself in awkward position.

Original poster
Tillytoes1 · 16/11/2018 21:54

Greendale17-I am not desperate at all, I just find the whole thing strange and can’t work it all out, there have been other things, that I’m now wondering if she was telling the truth. It’s a huge shame to know somebody for that long and realise that person may not be who you thought they were, I’m just a little upset by it all. It is almost like I was on Facebook at the right time and needed to know.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 16/11/2018 22:01

You say they're very upper class? Could it be some weird upper-class British wedding etiquette thing that meant you didn't fall into 'people who should be invited to one's wedding'? Might not be personal but still not fair, of course, especially to lie to you (a silly thing to do in a world of social media too)

It does strike me that maybe she just doesn't see your friendship as being as important as you see it. I agree with posters who've said not to have a confrontation about it but maybe to downgrade the friendship a bit, which I know is sad, but she's evidently not seeing your friendship as what you thought it was.

Doyoumind · 16/11/2018 22:08

You don't want someone who lies in your life. You could drive yourself crazy trying to analyse this but all you need to know is she's not very nice and doesn't respect or value you. There could be no good reason for this deception. I would cool off the relationship. If she gets in touch tell her that you don't feel comfortable staying in touch since you found out she lied to you.

Redcliff · 16/11/2018 22:12

I would have to ask her - this would drive me nuts.

OffToBedhampton · 16/11/2018 22:32

@Redcliff. I don't disagree with your sentiment, but what more does OP really need to know?

Her friend could have invited her to her wedding and didn't. Her friend and new DH lied about their wedding being abroad and continued to never mention it wasn't, having spoken to OP & DH since the wedding. It's unusual not to natter about your wedding with good friends after all it's a huge day for most people.

It is hurtful as OP thought they were closer friends than that. There'll be no good that will come of probing, other than saying "saw photos of your wedding it looked fun!"(If it can be said genuinely without any PA to it). Friends might say then or night not.

Sometimes you don't need someone to tell you why you weren't as important to them as all the other local friends and family they invited. Sometimes the fact you weren't is enough to make you re evaluate and still be friends but not believe you are quite so close.

Coyoacan · 17/11/2018 03:27

It’s a huge shame to know somebody for that long and realise that person may not be who you thought they were, I’m just a little upset by it all

I can relate to that, OP. A neighbour of mine did my cleaning for nearly fifteen years. I am godmother to her daughter and we did mutual kindnesses for each other. I also paid her well above the market rate for her work. I thought we were friends. Then I found out that she had been stealing from me. I feel as if I had been living a lie all those years.

Mxyzptlk · 17/11/2018 03:43

Coyoacan, your ex-cleaner is the one who was living a lie. You were being genuine.

HurricaneHalle · 17/11/2018 15:25

You finding out is good thing. I always say that the truth always comes out. Ok strong believer in karma too.

greendale17 · 17/11/2018 16:10

I would most certainly ask her why she excluded you and lied.

Then I would cut her out of my life. She is no friend

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 17/11/2018 19:02

You don't sound desperate.

When. Someone shows you who they are believe them. Ditch her.