"Where are you from?"

[MuseumofInnocence]

I was with my DP yesterday and we were asked this question. For context, we have different nationalities (British and German), and we live in another country (from those two nationalities). We were asked this question by a Doctor. All of a sudden, my DP stuttered and ummed and paused and couldn't respond. I immediately said I was British. The question was asked as an icebreaker.

My DP and I discussed this later about why he struggled to answer. For me, it's easy, I'm British, and my parents are British and I was born and grew up in one city where I lived until I went to university.

In contrast, my DP was also born in one city and lived in that one city in Germany until he went to University, but he is mixed race (German / East Asian), with his father being German. When I asked DP, he found it hard to answer that question, without somehow "betraying his mother", which I thought was overthinking it. It also brought up issues of race (he doesn't look purely typically German).

However, it did get me thinking. For you, if someone asks you where you're from, is it an easy question to answer? Do you have to unpeel these layers of identity to give a simple answer? It got us thinking about how such a benign question could be interpreted.

As someone whose not really from anywhere, I reckon the question can be asked as an attempt to reach out and connect with you, to find points in common, or alternately to distance and 'other' you as being not from round here, not 'one of us.' As well as being asked 2 different ways, I think it can also be heard both ways by the listener, probably depending on whether you feel accepted or 'othered' and separate in that place already, and what your last experiences have been...

I've lived in the SE of England for 15+ years after growing up in Scotland and get this all the time from customers at work. Ooh that accent isn't from round here, where are you from, or you're a long way from home. I just reply, no it isn't, Scotland or not really I live 20 mins away. At least people have stopped asking where in Ireland I'm from. (Standard answer to that was "I'm from X, it's in Scotland .)

My DH and his DM are both very dark hair and skinned. MIL particularly - black hair, skin that looks perma-tanned but she never goes abroad, so definitely not a tan! People always ask if they have Italian or Spanish backgrounds and we were curious so researched the family tree. As far back as we could see, everyone wasn’t just English, but from the same very rural county! Genetics are a funny thing.

mnahmnah An archaeologist once told me that there were a lot of Roman soldiers from outlying regions stationed in Britain, and gave Syrians working on Hadrians Wall as an example. Maybe your DH's features come from very far back and are a result of soldier fraternisation? Just a thought! You don't have to be significantly from anywhere for a few dominant genes to win out each time...

Ahh 😂😂 I love this question. I'm mixed race & I get asked it often (I'm English Jamaican but apparently look Egyptian or spanish)
"Where are you from?....no, but where are you FROM?!"
Answer is the same for both..Wolverhampton.
If they ask again then I remind them they are asking about my ethnicity which is a different answer.
It's probably a bit mean. But after nearly 40 yrs of same conversation I like to mix it up 😂😂

I would say where you are born and brought up. So would say your husband is German. He is not Asian, one of his parents is Asian, he is not from there.

I can't guess where they're from. It's totally normal.

likely to be accused of racism if you ask

If anyone thinks that more people who are prepared to call out racism is not a good thing, they might consider how prevalent racism has been over the years. There is still a lot of it about, but at least people are prepared to call it by its rather ugly name now, rather than expect the victims to put up with it, because, well, because they are 'not from round here'.

The signs 'no blacks no irish no dogs' in places with rooms to let were commonplace in my living memory. 'Til death us do part' entirely 'normal' as well. Just because things are comfortable and familiar, really doesn't make 'em right. With everything going on in our society, especially recent political events, I feel this is even more important to highlight.

Sorry if that feels like a derail. My background is 'complicated'. Having been born in London, I left as a baby and returned in my teens. Every.singe.person asked me where i was from, until I consciously changed my voice to RP. Not had anyone ask since, even though I am now much more proud of my difference, much less keen to blend it and very happy to tell my story. With different skin tone, I would not have had that option, that privilege to blend in.

If i could give a gift, it would be to help people see that you only ask, only find it 'normal' to ask people where they are from, if you have already sussed, or think you have sussed, that they are 'not from round here'. Otherwise, why would you ask?

If just one person can now see the possible pitfalls in saying to someone, 'i can tell that you are not from round here really', typing all this when i should be rushing out would totally be worth it.

Well on this thread we have a few examples of cases when the question is racist don't we? Especially when some people insist because they want a different answer, something to fit their expectations. Why deny that racism exists?

I have a relatively simple background- I look and sound like where I'm from. Some people feel I don't and that I somehow must be lying It's quite easy to tell when people just ask out of politeness, interest or because they want to put you in a box.

This is an interesting question in our household.

DH is English with a Bangladeshi father. His dad moved to the UK as a child though and DH has never been to Bangladesh, nor does he speak the language. His dad maintains some links, but DH and his siblings have none (other than a love of curry. ) MIL is white British and DH has never considered himself anything other than British.

He grew up in England but has spent his entire adult life in Scotland (bar a few years in the US). When asked this question he responds with the general area in England that he grew up, even though he feels no affiliation with that place and doesn’t really consider himself English - more British. He doesn’t consider himself Scottish either though and while he’s lived in the same Scottish city for 25 years (bar those years in the US), he doesn’t feel like he’s “from” here either. The question never ends there though - because of his skin colour and the fact that his accent doesn’t really match the area he grew up in, no-one believes him and he gets “no, but where are you from originally?” all the time.

The only time he differed was when we lived in the US and then he said he was from Scotland because that was where we had moved from and it seemed to make more sense.

I am Northern Irish, but like DH, have spent the last 25 years here in Scotland and a few years in the US. I always say I am from NI or Ireland. I don’t feel any affiliation with Scotland or the city we live in and no-one would believe me anyway - my accent is Norn Iron through and through.

DC are all technically Scottish because they were all born here and have lived here for all their lives except for the time we were overseas. None of them would say they were from here though. None of them quite know how to answer that question actually and they usually just either look blankly or say they live in x city rather than saying they are “from” here. When we were in the US, my DS and oldest DD used to say “we’re from Scotland but we’re really Northern Irish”. (Which totally confused the Texans!)

I'm half Chinese and half white British I have been told I sound posh by many but actually grew up quite poor. My Mother had a lot of dc and was ostracised from her family due to her behaviour. She was on the stage and a model during the 1950's. I have photos of her in amazing costumes but it was not deemed respectable.

I always say I'm mixed race and culturally I'm mixed as well, though the British side is what is more prevelant on a day to day basis as DH is about as Anglo Saxon as they come. DS likes the fact I always offer to cook Chinese food for his friends, he sort of says here it comes she is going to offer to cook you dinner.

I am used to people wondering where I'm from as my Chinese looks dominate. I endured horrendous racism as a child in the 1970's, called a chink, my nickname at school was chopsticks and sexual harassment with a racist element with comments such as are you number 69 on the menu. People politely asking what my actual heritage is does not bother me at all.

I think my prosaic attitude comes from the fact that I grew up in the Emirates; over there you are most certainly NOT from Dubai, as only Emiratis can claim that privilege. You are from wherever your parents are from (often two different places then).

I think 'where are you from?' in some situations can be easily answered with 'I'm from Wolverhampton, but my dad's from Kenya' or some such (obv adapt to match the situation)!! This makes the point that you're from here but also gives them what they're clearly looking for. Being slightly OTT for the rest of the conversation with your British cultural references tends to throw such people, I find. I like to quote Shakespeare at them when feeling particularly on my game

And Adverse, that sounds awful must say I've been very lucky and never experienced any real racism to speak of, unless you count looks of faint distaste as racism (which I don't because they could equally be hating me for being female in some places )

I'm obviously mixed race but if people ask, I say I'm from London. That feels like the most 'true' answer. But if pressed, I'm happy to go into excruciating detail

I’m a fourth generation immigrant. Always lived in the UK, my parents and grandparents were born here too, so feel very British but when asked some don’t seem to be satisfied with that answer as I’m not white.

I don’t feel anything towards my ‘native’ country heritage, never visited, don’t speak the language but I’ll often have to say the country when asked

Oh and 'if the cat had kittens in the oven, it doesn't mean they are biscuits' has its place as a reply

I am from south central Asia and came to England when I was three, I guess I identify as British Asian as essentially I have more British mannerisms than my home country's mannerisms if that makes any sense... Though I'm fair and my husband is from the same place but looks very English so people just can't place us... I get asked a lot and get a surprised 'oh' when I tell them, it's just unusual for them to see someone with our complexions from that country but to us it's very normal... It's a weird question I guess as when people ask and I mostly say British, they do probe further, not out of racism though, they're just intrigued especially as our children are very fair with blonde hair, they just don't understand how that can happen from Asia, my heritage country is probably one of the most mixed in terms of complexions and looks which is why it leaves most people completely baffled, we don't just have one main 'look' that identifies us easily...

I don't get this much as a white British (with other white heritage) person living in a predominantly white area in Britain.

My DH is also white British but with darker skin and hair,so he gets asked a lot.

If someone asks once I think it's chit-chat, if they ask more, I just hear it is 'wot type of forrin are you?'

I had a work colleague who wouldn't let it drop when they first met him

• I didn't expect him to look like that, where's he from?
• (Our town)
• But before that?
• he's always lived locally
• where are his parents from?
• London
• And before that?
• The whole family is from London
• But where did they originally come from?
• Well we are an island full of mongrels really aren't we so who knows?

I think his head would have exploded if I was married to someone from another country.

"I would say where you are born and brought up. "

I completely disagree with 'where you were born'. We can't remember being babies so we're not really 'from there'. It's from about toddlerhood onwards in my opinion.
What's funny is that by that definition I'm from where I live now as I was born in the hospital here, but if someone asks 'Where you born her?' I tend to say no because what they really mean is 'are you from here'. I have no memories of being a baby in the hospital or of where I lived for the first year.

" I can't guess where they're from. It's totally normal.

likely to be accused of racism if you ask

If anyone thinks that more people who are prepared to call out racism is not a good thing, they might consider how prevalent racism has been over the years. There is still a lot of it about, but at least people are prepared to call it by its rather ugly name now, rather than expect the victims to put up with it, because, well, because they are 'not from round here'. "

But we're not talking about 'calling out racism' we're talking about people claiming that simply asking where someone is from is racist and shouldn't be allowed. I completely disagree with that and I'm not going to stop asking people where they're from.

I don't get this much as a white British (with other white heritage) person living in a predominantly white area in Britain

I do even though I am technically white British as I have said before I don’t look British.

Most people say I am from a particular northern European country.

However talking to a friend who had visited the country my father is from she immediately said I definitely fitted perfectly in with the women from that country.

I might try and get a holiday there one day. I might feel differently about my face if I see others who look like me.