"Where are you from?"

[MuseumofInnocence]

I was with my DP yesterday and we were asked this question. For context, we have different nationalities (British and German), and we live in another country (from those two nationalities). We were asked this question by a Doctor. All of a sudden, my DP stuttered and ummed and paused and couldn't respond. I immediately said I was British. The question was asked as an icebreaker.

My DP and I discussed this later about why he struggled to answer. For me, it's easy, I'm British, and my parents are British and I was born and grew up in one city where I lived until I went to university.

In contrast, my DP was also born in one city and lived in that one city in Germany until he went to University, but he is mixed race (German / East Asian), with his father being German. When I asked DP, he found it hard to answer that question, without somehow "betraying his mother", which I thought was overthinking it. It also brought up issues of race (he doesn't look purely typically German).

However, it did get me thinking. For you, if someone asks you where you're from, is it an easy question to answer? Do you have to unpeel these layers of identity to give a simple answer? It got us thinking about how such a benign question could be interpreted.

Usually I've asked this question when I've recognised my home town accent!! Turned out one of them went to the same school as me my accent was most certainly far more faded then there's so they wondered why on Earth I was asking.

I say I'm from nowhere. I'm a 'scaly brat' aka forces child so moved around an awful lot as a child.

My own DC are the same.

Like a PP, I was born on a British base in a foreign country so have a British passport. My parents were posted back to the UK when I was very small so I don't remember that country at all.

I would have a problem in saying exactly my heritage. I am part North African (different countries), part mainland europe, part welsh and Yorkshire born grandfather was definitely not English

People when we are on holiday always think I am from a particular country.

The thing being I do not look like I am British. I know growing up I might be white but I didn’t look like other children.

My parents didn’t look like other British parents either.

So tired of this question being mixed raced and growing up in many towns and countries with a slightly odd accent, that when asked I say ' born, raised or live now?' And have a rapid fire answer to all three or the whole lot and end with 'aren't I exotic' then move on.

I don't mind this question too much when traveling/on holiday since not being 'from there' is the point but when I'm in the UK and obviously not a tourist, it really winds me up.

Although it is usually intended as an icebreaker, it often becomes a "you're not from here really, are you" challenge in which I have to defend my choices, past and present. Yes, I chose to move here but I would happily move back 'home' next week. My country is not perfect but it's just as good as England so it's not like I've had a lucky escape. Don't try to play the T rump card or I'll mention B rexit.

The follow on questions are no better. "Do you miss (native country)?" [well of course, wouldn't you miss your native land? I miss my family desperately.] "Why did you move here?" [not really your business] "What do you like about England?" [I really struggle with this one - it's ok but it's not Shangri-la - um, my children live here?]

As an icebreaker, it doesn't really work: it always puts me on the back foot. If I give honest answers, it never turns out like the other person expected (a gushing appreciation of England) so they feel hurt. If I answer with platitudes and white lies, I feel angry and fraudulent because England is fine but it's not the be all and end all.

Plus, I didn't just arrive. I've lived here more than 15 years now. I've birthed 2 citizens for the nation and I have naturalised so have a UK passport. And mentioning 'you haven't lost your accent' is no better - who says that to an Irish/Scots/Aussie/South African? - as a native speaker of English, my accent is recognisable but not offensive; why would I want to change it? Truthfully, my grammar is definitely better than most and probably better than yours.

It's never a benign question! Not when I'm being asked, anyway. The subtext is always an intention to exclude, patronise or 'other'. And a guaranteed conversation blocker by the time I've worked out which bit of my familial history might piss off the questioner most.

Though nowadays I often just turn the question back to them ...

I do feel a bit uncomfortable when asked this question. The problem is that people will and do make assumptions about your heritage based on how you look or speak. If that doesn't match the answer you give, then it just leads to more uncomfortable questions in my experience.

I was born in Scotland, largely raised in England and now live in Wales. I've lived in Wales for 10 years and England 20 before that. My accent is very Anglicanised Scottish. When people ask where I'm from, if I answer with anything other than Scotland I just get a barrage of questions. As if to say I don't know my own upbringing or background!

I agree, it’s not a benign question. I’m usually asked by the kind of people who want me to answer in a particular way so that they can follow up with a sly racist dig.

I live abroad, and get this as soon as I open my mouth.

'Oh, you're from London then!???'

Er, no. 70 million Brits, they're not all from London!

Parents from two different countries, born in a third country, raised in a fourth - me too!

I quite like it as a question tbh - I do think that where your parents are from has an influence on you even if you don't live there. It certainly did for me and everyone I knew growing up, anyway. It's part of who you are - why would people not find that interesting?

I find that when I ask it, people (always the white people, interestingly) get sniffy and turn it back to me rather than answer. I cheerfully give my own ancestry in elaborate detail. They then look a little sheepish and divulge a few details of their own (I obv don't press after this). I think it's a defensiveness thing, which I clearly lack

Do you miss (native country)?" [well of course, wouldn't you miss your native land? I miss my family desperately.] "Why did you move here?" [not really your business] "

^^

Yessss. I tell the same story over and over again.a

I'm
Mostly British with a bit of Canadian however I have dark hair and olive skin. When abroad I often get spoken to in the local language-
Greek, Spanish, Italian.
I used to live in an area with a high proportion of Romany gypsies and people thought I was Romany.

My friend struggled a lot with this when we were in our late teens- she's very beautiful, olive skin, very dark hair and eyes, her dad is Italian but left when she was very young under really bad circumstances. She'd often be asked where she was 'from' on a night out and she'd say Tottenham, as would I if I were asked, we were always in London. But with her people would ask 'but where are you FROM?' Because she 'looked foreign' I suppose. She didn't want to think or talk about her dad, I knew it annoyed her but once she was really upset about it and just poured out that she didn't want to look different, even if it was complimentary people asking her upset her.

I'm British look and sound and born and bread. However when we used to visit countries when I was a child my mum and I tanned easily so we were mistaken for Spanish by look, which is my mum's mum heritage. But as I've got older and had illnesses I don't ran well so in am very southern English and it's obvious.

Ha! Yes, NotonightJosepheen I am very slight, with pale skin and very dark hair. I am at least 6th generation Welsh. I married a six ft 3, blue eyed, blond man, who’s grandfather was a Polish Jew, who escaped from a salt mine in Ww2. We have a very Polish surname, which continued down the male line and I took my husband’s surname. I get asked, slowly and loudly, where my name comes from, in case I don’t understand. I do find it hilarious as I sound very posh and when I speak peoples’ faces change! (Very nice school and I taught English abroad!) I do take great pleasure in this as we are both from ‘down the road.’

It was always one of a list of formulaic small talk questions that were taught. Where are you from? What do you do? How do you know (host)? Did you drive here? Have you been here before? etc etc.

They were only ever designed to be "something to say" and answered in an equally formulaic way - giving people a chance to start things rolling. If you wanted to make something of it you could.

Now however it is fraught with "social danger" as you are likely to be accused of racism if you ask. Neither would you ask about jobs or family any more - unless the circumstances made it obvious it was expected.

Being from Northern Ireland this can tend to be a bit of a loaded question, with half the country claiming to be Irish, and half claiming to be British.
If you ask me where I'm from I'll tell you Northern Ireland, if you ask my nationality I'll tell you I'm Northern Irish.

Oh and I just say "London" - what about you? Oh, London too? How nice - now if you'll excuse me I'm just going to get a drink/find my colleague/etc

And fend off further enquiries if I don't want to engage.

I don’t have this issue anymore now I’m married, but my maiden name is Portuguese. I used to get so many questions of ‘where are you from/where’s your Dad from/can you speak Portuguese/Spanish/Italian?’ (!!)

They all seemed disappointed when I said I was born in London, both my parents were born in London, and all my grandparents are from the UK!

"For you, if someone asks you where you're from, is it an easy question to answer?"

Quite easy, yes. The place where I lived between the ages of 8 and 18 (and then part time for a few years later).
I suppose I could say the place I lived before I was 8 because I'm obviously partly from there as well as I spent formative years there.
Very occasionally I say the town where I live now, but that's only if I'm travelling and think the question has more the meaning of 'where have you come from today?'

I've met a few people who've said 'it's complicated' and then when you press them on it, it's not complicated at all as there's one main place where they spent most of their childhood.

"Do you miss (native country)?" [well of course, wouldn't you miss your native land? I miss my family desperately.] "Why did you move here?" [not really your business] ""

Strange. I used to live abroad. I didn't particularly miss my 'native land' as I was happy abroad. I was also very happy to talk about why I moved there - it's not a particularly personal question.

I ask everyone I meet where they're from if I detect by their accent that they're not from the city I live in and I can't guess where they're from. It's totally normal.

I was born in Yorkshire and have lived here all my life but my grandparents were immigrants. My friends have bought me a DNA kit for my birthday and I’m really interested about what the results might come up with as there are all sorts of different skin tones, hair type/colours and a couple of my cousins have eyes that look Chinese shape-wise. No idea who has been consorting with who and in which part of the globe as yet.

Now however it is fraught with "social danger" as you are likely to be accused of racism if you ask

I was probably first asked when I was 7/8 so over 30 years ago - it was often followed by a charming comment like I thought you were a p*ki . Nothing to do with people nowadays being easily offended, more to do with people being racist now & in the past.