Does anyone else feel really ugly?

[MeadowHay]

I feel stupid writing this but figure I can't be the only person to feel like this? I feel so ugly. I basically always have done although there have been periods where I've felt relatively ok about the way I look. I don't even like the word 'ugly' because I have literally never looked at someone and thought they were 'ugly', so I don't have any meaning for that word, other than the way I look myself. I don't know where it's come from, because other than being a teased a bit in primary school for my 'moustache', nobody has ever commented on the way I look in a negative way - I went to an all-girls high school where I was bullied mercilessly for years, but thinking about it, I can't think of a single incident where anyone mentioned the way I looked! I also don't come from a family where looks are prided on really, my dad always told me (and still does! ) that I look beautiful, but I was never encouraged to do anything to take care of my appearance other than basic hygiene. I am married, we are mid-twenties and met and instantly became a couple in our late teens, and DH assures me constantly that he thinks I'm beautiful etc and he genuinely doesn't even notice most of the time if I put some makeup on, or if I get threaded (I get my whole face done every month or so cos I am really hairy, cos of my heritage). Yet still I obsess over it!

I look in the mirror now and again when I get a chance and cry and cry. I try to avoid doing it cos I get so upset. I don't have time to keep on top of my hair removal, I don't have time to put makeup on, I can't wear impractical-but-nice-looking outfits, I barely have time to wash and dry my hair as I have a very needy, cry-y 5 month old. I am taking her to a baby group shortly and I feel so anxious that everyone will be staring at my horrible dandruff which I've only just noticed (I have eczema and the winter weather sets it off), my returning acne (that I've battled since I was in my early teens), my hairy face etc...I just want to go to bed and cry and feel sorry for myself, not go outside so other people can see me, but I can't because I have DD.

What can I do to make myself stop feeling this way? I do feel better if I can keep on top of hair removal, wear a bit of makeup etc but I genuinely do not have the time at the moment! And DH and I are both worried about my self-loathing rubbing off on DD as she gets older too .

Firstly I'm sure you're not ugly. Secondly you don't have to look like Gigi Hadid to feel good about yourself. Like you said, I've never looked at someone and thought they were ugly, I take them for who they are. Most of us aren't oil paintings but we get by.

I worry that it's a symptom of your mental health. I would see a doctor or maybe get councelling. Good luck.

I do have mental health problems btw and basically always have done, especially anxiety. Sorry I hope that's not some horrific drip feed, I just wasn't sure it was relevant but on second thoughts clearly it is . I'm not receiving any treatment atm though.

I feel ugly OP. I was told I was by my parents and unfortunately my father in particular prizes physical perfection (as he sees it). I cannot get passed it, can't accept it, can't change it. I've had therapy. Nothing has worked. I just try not to think about it but some days, it is hard.

I admire people who can shrug it off, whose therapy worked for them or just don't give a shit in the first place.

I have no advice other than to recommend more therapy for you.

passed should be past.

Can I make a suggestion? Post something in the style & beauty section and I think you will get positive and helpful suggestions.

That's really sad to read.... I go through stages of feeling very unattractive and it really gets me down. It's also very hard when you still have such a young child to find and prioritise time to yourself.. Its important to do that though. Could you pick the thing that bothers you most and schedule some time for that just to make you feel better not for anyone else. If the facial hair is bothering can you make a weekly of monthly appointment to get it waxed or whatever? Hopefully your DH can help you if you've spoken about it already... You need to take the time out for yourself x

Firstly you are NOT ugly
Everyone has something lovely about their face I believe. Whether it's your eyes, nose, smile, hair etc and it's all about making the most of what we've got.

Could you afford electrolysis for your upper lip hair? Your dandruff can easily be sorted by using the right shampoo very regularly too.

Time to start doing something for you. Some tinted moisturiser, blusher and mascara makes a huge difference imo, it takes me less than two minutes to apply the above. Eating healthy and drinking water helps the complexion too.

You don't need to be up to the minute where fashion is concerned but a few nice tops and well fitting jeans with a scarf can make you feel better.

Get yourself a haircut (maybe talk to your hairdresser about the dandruff and see if they can help ) some new clothes and the make up I suggested and see how that feels.

I always think too that no matter someone looks like their beauty comes from their kindness, their humour, how they are as a person.

Don't let this drag on OP, you don't deserve to feel like this

Agree with pp that a post on Style and Beauty would be a good idea, as would talking with your DH. Can you get a mobile beautician to come to the house?

I grew up in a culture where good looks were commented on and congratulated as an achievement, but I was told repeatedly as a teenager by friends, family and even my boyfriend that I wasn't pretty. I still get anxious when I don't have the time (or money) to get my hair cut etc.

I understand OP; sometimes I won't leave the house because I feel so ugly. Like you I have a husband who thinks I am beautiful - although unlike you have a mother who constantly critiques weight (I am a "normal" size) and looks and always has done.

I veer between not making much effort in the hope that people might not notice me and trying really hard to improve what I have.

The one time that I feel strong and capable and don't mind people looking at me (although photos are another matter!!) is when I do the sports that I love because I am reasonably good at them and feel competent and as if I am worth something. Do you have a hobby at all? Something you are good at that can take you beyond worrying about looks even temporarily whilst you're engaged in it?

It sounds like you could use a bit of CBT to help you combat negative thinking. It can really help you to turn thoughts around practice thinking good things about yourself instead.

In addition, if you find that focusing a little more on your appearance makes you feel better, you need to actively make time in your schedule to do that - as the baby gets older it will become easier but in the meantime, whilst I’m sure I’ll get flamed, I’d think nothing of putting her in her cot for five minutes whilst you style your hair or put a little bit of makeup on or whatever makes you feel better about facing the world. It isn’t going to hurt her.

And lastly: most people are so busy worrying about their own appearance, what others think of them, will they look good in the next spontaneous photo somebody chooses to take etc that they really aren’t paying much attention to the tings you perceive as flaws in your appearance.

Hair in unwanted places is so easy to get ready of permanently - laser, IPL, etc. You probably have amazing eyebrows and nice thick hair that so many are jealous of!

Sorry to the other people that feel similarly . The thing is though I really don't know why I'm like this as apart from some minor teasing in primary school nobody's really ever commented negatively on my appearance .

Good idea about S&B, will post tomorrow if I get a chance.

I have had quite a lot of counselling in the past but I don't think I've ever really talked about the way I feel about my appearance in it. I guess I've always had so much going on with my MH that I didn't really think about this as being part of it tbh. Or at least worried it would sound trivial? Never had CBT though. But I have seen the GP recently about my poor mental health and they didn't suggest any therapies or anything just tried to push me onto antiDs again which at the moment is not something I'm up for, for various reasons.

Probably can't afford electrolysis, finances are really tight, we are getting a not insignificant amount of financial support from my parents as it is. Also worried that it would be very painful?!

I struggle with makeup because it always takes me ages to apply even the smallest amount. I am on the autistic spectrum which affects my motor skills so I have poor fine motor skills. So I find it tricky applying makeup and mess it up a lot etc so it takes me ages. Also am a perfectionist about it because I get so anxious about it looking wrong/daft etc. So I can't really do quick makeup . Tbh though I need to actually buy some as I just binned a lot of stuff as it had been open too long...foundation, under-eye concealer etc so I need to get out and buy some, but God knows when I will get the chance to do that!

DH is great but we are really time poor because he is studying a postgraduate HCP course and at the moment he is on a placement which entails him being out the house roughly 7.30am-7pm and then he has to spends hours of time at the weekends studying/writing essays/etc.

I don't think you should get flamed for saying to leave her for a few mins. I ate my sandwiches for lunch today whilst she cried in her pram for 5 minutes. I felt awful but I was hungry and overwhelmed. She cries a lot. She has now started crying every time I leave the room unless she's distracted with someone else or distracted watching TV. It is exhausting.

Yes I do have very thick hair, and have got lots of compliments about it and about my eyebrows too. Seriously I don't know why I hate the way I look so much, I don't know where it comes from. At the moment cannot afford any long-lasting treatments like that and also think I'm too scared as I think laser etc sounds really painful!

Have spoke to DH about getting threaded and he does 4.5 days a week on placement so plan is that he will take his half day tomorrow and come back after lunch so I can go to the salon and get threaded. That will honestly make me feel much better.

Hi. I bought a laser machine from lidl and it was £60 . It keeps the hair at bay and really helps my mood! I also have pcos

Re the makeup OP I understand that it can be overwhelming and a bit scary.

I'm talking 4 blobs on your face with tinted moisturiser that you rub in - forehead, chin, both cheeks, blusher and mascara. Lip balm too if you like. You can do it! It just helps you to feel a bit brighter. Try it

Having a poor self image has absolutely nothing to do with how you look to others.

Did you see the programme where they had someone with facial abnormalities and someone who was outwardly beautiful but inwardly self loathing like you op?

The person with facial abnormalities had far higher self esteem and self confidence and led a happy and fulfilled life.

I think you should go to your gp and get anti depressants as I think you might have a mind chemical imbalance.

Also mindfulness ( there are good apps, also for CBT) which you should download : the CBT one has a small fee but I think you should make this small outlay as it is cheaper than counseling.

Next you should practice gratitude: you have a wonderful DH and a baby and a supportive family. Many people don't even have those basics OP, you are very lucky.

You need to stop obsessing about your outward appearance and concentrate on doing things that bring joy to you and your closest: again mindfulness and the "tapping "technique will help you shut down the negative thoughts as they enter your head, it will take practice though.

Good luck and don't give up and let us know your progress

I get you OP. I feel very unattractive and won't be seen without make up as my skin is shit. I was never told I was pretty or anything as a child. I was picked on by a boy from Year 11 to Year 13 and he frequently told me I was ugly. It hugely damaged my self esteem which has never recovered.

I think I can look ok when I'm really made up but I have zero confidence really.

I feel the same op, and I think it stems from being bullied at school.

I try to buy nice make up, and clothes when I can. I also have a baby so know how hard it is the find the time and money!

You need to make some effort to change how you feel or you will continue to drag yourself down with this. Please take some of the great advice on this thread

Hi, OP. I definitely found that my irrational thoughts were much worse when I had a sleepless small baby. AntiDs or other medication aren’t incompatible with therapy. Not at all! So it isn’t either-or. And in a lot of areas (most/all?) you can self-refer. If you google ‘IAPT Solihull’ or ‘IAPT Hounslow’ (whatever the name of your area is) you’ll usually find an NHS site showing you how to do it. I had about six sessions of CBT at one point, and a group course for new mums at another point.

Is the home laser thing not really painful?! I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to hair removal pain although I do get my whole face threaded so idk maybe not?! I might look after Xmas and see if I can find a cheap one, but will the results of the cheap one not be not as good? Time is a huge thing though. I honestly haven't even shaved my legs for weeks for example, I just don't have the time. The only free time I would have for things like that is like after 10/11pm at night depending on when DD is in bed, and I am far too knackered by then, I just go to bed rather than faffing about shaving my legs (which again takes me ages with my poor motor skills and eczema). Sigh.

I don't think I could actually do therapy atm cos I don't even have the time. I can't take her with me to therapy because she is a crier and would probably cry and scream the whole time so there's no point, and DH can't have her as he's at work, and there is no one else who would have her except maybe DM but she would just incessantly question me about it and that would make me feel even worse. Maybe when I go back to work in March if I still feel so grim I can look into it then. But honestly I've had loads of counselling before, some has been helpful some has not but I just feel like I've exhausted any use from that. And really not up to going on antiDs atm.

I don't wear mascara because I find that it always like rubs against my glasses and leaves residue and just feels generally uncomfortable, does that happen to anyone else?! I used to wear it when I wore contact lenses. Actually one other thing I would like to do is have a contact lens fitting and get some disposable ones for special occasions. I cba with the faff every day and tbh can't afford it anyway but for odd occasions especially over Xmas etc it would make me feel much better. I feel it's much easier to do makeup etc when I have contacts in so it doesn't go all over my glasses and make them dirty and you can actually see it properly etc.

Again sorry to hear about other people's experiences of bullying etc .

No I have not seen that programme, what channel was it on?

I don't own tinted moisturiser and I don't think I even own blusher atm (well I did but I can't find any - we moved house in August and there is still lots of stuff that is just all over the place. I only got my makeup out a few days ago, I haven't worn any since my brother's graduation in July, before we moved!). Need to have a look but again idk when I will get the chance to go shopping to buy any. Also town in the run up to Xmas is hell for me with my anxiety, so busy. I would normally go on a weekday but I'm too anxious to just go with DD incase she just cries the whole time I'm in the shops and that, too stressful. I could maybe ask DM if she would go with me one time so if DD sets off she can walk about with her or something. But tbh she's not a fan of shopping so she might not want to.

OK I'm a solutions focussed person so apologies in advance if this sounds blunt.

Most people feel insecure about the way they look at some stages in their life. You only have to look at what the stunningly beautiful Cheryl Cole has done to her face with fillers etc to see that everyone has insecurities.

I am seriously hairy. I've tried months of laser, threading etc etc. The best solution by far is a razor. When you have laser treatment you can't pull the hair out in between sessions and so you have to shave. Prior to having the treatment I would have been horrified at the thought of it but now it takes all of about 1 minute each morning to run a razor over it (I even dry shave now) and my face is now perfectly smooth and hair free. Do this each morning.

Dandruff is tricky since it sounds like you might have quite a lot of hair and so washing hair regularly is a time zapper. Wash it each night when your DH is around to keep an eye on the baby. Change your pillowcase every couple of days and try not to touch your hair too much throughout the day. Don't put conditioner on the roots of your hair, only on the ends and mid sections.

This weekend, ask DH to look after the baby for two hours (or stick her in a play pen whilst you do this). get out your clothes and immediately put to one side every item that doesn't fit, needs mending or is past its best - even if you absolutely love it. The past its best stuff gets put in a bag for the charity shop or if its really bad it can go into a fabric recycling bin. The doesn't fit can go into the loft if you think you'll wear it again. If not then also in the charity bag. The needs mending can go to one side for now. Just get it out of your wardrobe.

Then take stock and see what you have left. Sort it into four complete outfits. Three normal day outfits and a nicer "dressier" outfit. put this back into your wardrobe along with four days of underwear etc.

Put all other stuff to one side for now (in a bin bag will do - don't feel like you have to sort it in any way). You're not chucking it out, simply removing it so that you can find things easily. You now have four complete clean outfits in your wardrobe that look nice and you will feel ok in. Every now and agin you can pick out some different outfits from your pile of clothes that fit.

Make up - one foundation, one blusher, one mascara, one lipstick for now. Put everything else away. Use these each morning. It will take you ten minutes and you deserve that time. One pair of earrings will also make you feel more put together. One spritz of light perfume.

You've now stripped back your regime to the bare minimum.

Just want to send you a virtual hug.
I suffer with acne and even when it’s well controlled with oral medication my self esteem is shattered from the years and years of spending hours in the bathroom trying to cover it up.

Oops pressed submit too early.

The main thing that helps me is that I’ve agreed with my husband that I have half an hour in the morning absolutely protected time where he takes the two little ones downstairs and I shut the door on them to have time to choose a decent outfit for the day and do my makeup without having to do it rushed and one handed holding a baby etc.
I feel “set up” for the day then And don’t start the day flustered.

Also, although my sis suffered from acne too she’s much less self conscious than me and I think she’s the most beautiful person I know, not because of looks but because she is the most kind, caring, selfless, loving person ever and that counts for 1000 times more than looks.

Can't face facial hair removal with a razor I'm afraid. I appreciate that it totally does work for some people but I just can't bring myself to, but tbh I think it would make things worse anyway because I have acne and eczema too. My calves are scarred from eczema that was caused by shaving despite my taking lots of precautions when I shave, so I definitely wouldn't want that to happen to my face. I already have some acne scarring after all.

Tbh I bought quite a lot of new clothes a few months ago, it's mostly just quite boring t-shirts and jeans but I do feel comfy in them. I guess it's my face that is my biggest thing. I also used to wear quite a lot of skirts, dresses with tights etc instead of just jeans every day but I don't feel like I can now because having to bend all the time with DD it just doesn't seem practical anymore. And no time to shave my legs.

The thing is with my dandruff is it's basically just the eczema that I have everywhere, but on my head, so it only flares over the winter months. I use Head & Shoulders generally but now I've got a flare-up will switch to Oilatum shampoo. If that doesn't work then will go to GP and ask for Polytar which I've used in the past that helped. Washing my hair all the time actually makes it worse in the long-run so I try to limit washing it, at the moment I'm washing it every third day and will try to keep it that way and try and forget about people looking at it, eek. Will wash it tomorrow morning with the Oilatum shampoo as DH can watch DD then, you need to leave it on for like 5 mins for it to work best.

I could probably have some more time to look better early in the morning if I got up super early but I'm just so exhausted all the time I always prioritise sleep! I'm not a morning person at all and also one of those people who if left will easily sleep 9-10 hours a night so you can imagine how I'm struggling with the baby with the sleep!

Plan for today is DH should be taking his study leave and getting home around 2ish so then I can go to the salon to get threaded and that will make me feel a bit better. Then tomorrow morning he will have DD whilst I have a longer-than-normal shower to use the Oilatum shampoo on my hair and hopefully that will help my scalp. One little thing at a time I guess.

It's pricey but I have the phillips lumea IPL to control my hair. I have dark hair that grows very fast. This has slowed it right down and I can stay hairfree for a decent amount of time. I've gone from legs needing to be shaved every other day if out to them only needing it every coupld of weeks, and it's a lot finer and quite sparse when it does grow. Massive treat for myself and I don't regret buying it at all.

I also have some decent make up. Got foundation match made colour so I know I'm wearing the right stuff (No7), always spend a bit of time putting some make up on, I have my hair coloured and it does make me feel a bit better. I just don't like looking at my face when it's bare and it takes me ages to take a picture that I like.