How can I cheer up my Nan who has terminal cancer?

[Malibucyprus]

Hi,

Posting here for traffic...

My lovely, wonderful Nan, has been suffering from cancer since January 2016, terminal lung & liver, she responded very well to treatment and is still with us, despite being told she had between 6 - 18 months to live.

Although the cancer has been under control with chemo, she has lots of other issues, she's Type 1 diabetic, she has problems with her heart/blood pressure etc..so she has been quite poorly. A few months back her chemo was stopped and immunotherapy started, we're not sure how this is working out for her yet, as she hasn't had any scans recently.

Last week out of the blue Macmillan nurses visited her at home, and said that she needed to be in a Hospice, the Hospice have told us that this isn't the end, but they need to get her sorted out properly with all the different medication she is on, and make her more comfortable, so it's respite as such, rather than end of life care.

Understandably she is very depressed, she isn't eating well, she won't watch TV, she won't read a book/magazine, she doesn't like listening to the radio, she is basically sitting staring into space all day everyday.

What can I do to help her? I'm visiting her tonight, and want to do something to lift her mood, but I have no idea where to start. I can't take cakes, biscuits etc because of her diabetes, she doesn't like flowers, or magazines.

Any suggestions?

@letsdolunch yes we do stagger visiting, she never goes long without seeing someone, but I do worry that sometimes having so many visitors can be overbearing for her. We are quite a loud family at times, and somedays she doesn't get a word in when my Mom and her 4 sisters are there. I think tonight, I'll just sit with her, and take cues from her.

Great that she has lots of visitors, It is a difficult one I totally get the loudness, when we had this situation my mum would say after all had left - thank gawd for silence.

Seeing your girls will make your nan happy - wishing you all a good visit 💐

I've just remembered, she used to make the best bread and butter in the world!! I'll ask her for the recipe tonight, it might at least get her talking for 5 mins. And then I'll give it a go, and drop her some in tomorrow.

bread and butter pudding

Anti depressants might enable her to enjoy the lovely things suggested. Depression makes doing anything, however small and lighthearted.

How was your visit with your Nan last night?

You were saying about an adult colouring book...what’s her sense of humour like? My friend bought me one that’s full of swear words 🤣 but there are some lovely ones too. Plus you can treat her with nice pencils.

Would she be up to teaching the girls to crochet?

Bring her little treats you know she'll love.
Nominate her for a Candy's Hug. DS 28's in remission and still treasures his. It lives on his computer chair.

Re adult colouring books, what's her eyesight like? I can't see the fiddly little bits.

@ILoveAutum Monday night's visit wasn't great, she seemed to have deteriorated massively in just a few days :( she couldn't talk much, I got the impression that she's having problems with her mouth/throat. The colouring books are a no-no I'm afraid, she has cataracts, so is struggling with her eyesight. I'm sure she would've loved a sweary one, my sweetheart Nan, swears like a Trooper just lately

Saw her again last night, and she seemed brighter, I can't say she looked well because she doesn't, but she had more colour to her cheeks, and wasn't struggling to talk. We had a lovely chat, I asked her questions about when she met my Grandad at 17, and she reminisced for an hour, which was lovely to hear.

Thank you for asking

PhilomenaButterfly what is a Candy's Hug? I've never heard of them.

I'm researching cake recipes for diabetics, she has such a sweet tooth, but has to be careful with her sugars, and her tummy is quite sensitive too. So hopefully I'll be able to take her some treats in soon.

How about music through headphones?

Mostly, knowing she's supported. You can make sure you're her advocate. If she's worried about too many visitors or her treatment or anything. Knowing you're there for her goes a long way.

I got my mum a wig when she was too ill to leave hospital. Her hair had got very thin. I also cut my BIL's hair when he was in the hospice. It was the last thing I could do for him. There are hairdressers in hospitals usually or maybe arrange for a mobile hairdresser if that would make her feel nice.

If things are nearing the end, then would having whatever sweet stuff she wants be that much of an issue? I'd be tempted to help her eat whatever takes her fancy and really enjoy eating

Malibu all the information is here. I believe the blanket pictured is DS's, the pink rose was crocheted by MalcolmTuckersOmniShambles:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/woolly_hugs/2845895-Zombie-and-Woolly-Hugs-ALL-very-welcome-to-join-us-come-and-find-out-about-her-legacy-of-Candy-s-Hugs

I’m so sorry to hear that she wasn’t very well on Monday’s visit. But it’s good she was looking a bit brighter last night.

Have you spoken with the staff again? Are they still thinking ‘respite’ and ‘meds balance’ or do they think it might be past that point now? It’s very hard to hear, but not knowing won’t change the outcome and knowing might mean you can do things a little differently.

It’s bloody hard 🌷xx

@Philomena thank you for the info, I’ll have a read x

@ILoveAutum they’re still saying that she’ll be home next Thursday, and that they’re going to adapt her flat with grab handles and provide carers 4 times a day.

The hospice are waiting to speak to her consultant, apparently they’re not happy with him stopping chemo and moving to immuno, they have questions for him. She was fairly steady on chemo but has gone down rapidly since changing the treatment. So whether there is still enough hope there for further treatment, we don’t know yet. She is terminal and won’t be cured but had responded well.

I’m taking the girls to see her again tomorrow, and hopefully we’ll have more news by then x

No problem. 😊

I was wrong, it's not DS's blanket.

When my grandmother was in a similar position she explained food didn't taste right, in fact that was one of the symptoms that alerted us that the cancer was advancing (she had surgery 8 years prior but was too weak for chemo so knew it was a matter of time, thankfully it was far longer than the doctors feared). Do experiment with different foods and flavours and with type 1 diabetes it's possible to adjust insulin if what she really needs is a little treat.

Oh, well, that’s good news. I hope the Hospice gets some answers from the consultant re the Chemo.

Keep on about getting carers that understand diabetes, unless your Nan can still test herself and adjust her insulin.

I presume that none of you are in a position to have her live with you? (Even if the others are helping out it’s still a big ask I know, but relying on carers is hard).

@anniehm funny you should say about food tasting different, she’s gone off tea, she used to have a cuppa every hour but says she just doesn’t fancy it anymore.

@ILoveAutum I think the carers will cover helping her out of bed, lunchtime, dinnertime and bedtime, she then has my DM and 3 of my aunties that take it in turns visiting her, so she’s only really alone overnight.

My DM or her oldest sister do have a spare room for her if it comes to that, but she’d really like to stay at home as long as possible. I guess it’ll be trial and error with the carers.

Malibu. I can understand her wanting to stay in her own home and if that can be well managed that’s great. My main concern would be her insulin dosing. If she’s still able to do that properly herself that’s great, I just wouldn’t trust carers to do it. Not enough time and not enough training.

How was your visit yesterday?

@ILoveAutum I visited her on Saturday and she seems to have gone downhill again. Oncologist has been in touch with the hospice and said her latest scans (4 weeks ago) are stable, cancer hasn't spread any further, so the problems she's having now, are not cancer related according to him.

She was assessed yesterday by occupational health, to see what aids she needs fitting at home, and it's been decided that she wont be going home, and will go into a nursing home :( apparently when she tried to stand from her bed, she fell back down. I'm so sad for her, I know it's probably best for her health and wellbeing but she'll be so upset at having to leave her home.