How can I cheer up my Nan who has terminal cancer?

[Malibucyprus]

Hi,

Posting here for traffic...

My lovely, wonderful Nan, has been suffering from cancer since January 2016, terminal lung & liver, she responded very well to treatment and is still with us, despite being told she had between 6 - 18 months to live.

Although the cancer has been under control with chemo, she has lots of other issues, she's Type 1 diabetic, she has problems with her heart/blood pressure etc..so she has been quite poorly. A few months back her chemo was stopped and immunotherapy started, we're not sure how this is working out for her yet, as she hasn't had any scans recently.

Last week out of the blue Macmillan nurses visited her at home, and said that she needed to be in a Hospice, the Hospice have told us that this isn't the end, but they need to get her sorted out properly with all the different medication she is on, and make her more comfortable, so it's respite as such, rather than end of life care.

Understandably she is very depressed, she isn't eating well, she won't watch TV, she won't read a book/magazine, she doesn't like listening to the radio, she is basically sitting staring into space all day everyday.

What can I do to help her? I'm visiting her tonight, and want to do something to lift her mood, but I have no idea where to start. I can't take cakes, biscuits etc because of her diabetes, she doesn't like flowers, or magazines.

Any suggestions?

sometimes words aren’t necessary. Hold her hand if she is willing. If you want to do something practical, would she like a manicure or pedicure?
I’m sorry you are going this.

for you and your nan. It’s cheesy I know but seeing you would be the absolute best thing if I were your nan. Being ill can be a whole lot lonelier than people expect. You being with her will do her the world of good I’m sure.

Sounds like food is tricky. Could you do an ocado order or something on your phone so she can say what she feels like trying? Then she can look forward to it arriving too.

Would she enjoy you doing her nails or something like that?

We can't handle her feet at the moment, as they are really swollen and sore, but she might be up for a bit of a manicure. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll take some nail varnishes with me, and offer.

Nail stuff and give her a manicure? Can she knit? Would she take pleasure in making some squares for Woolly Hugs or a scarf for a child?
Take an ipad and show her your christmas tree/ room redecoration plans on pintrest? Something you need her advice on - how to take up a skirt or mend something?

What does she really like to eat? Buy some tiny snacks of her fave things and even if they need heating up the hospice will help.

@Namechange I'm taking my 2 DD's with me, so I'm hoping they'll be able to cheer her up. She has a huge family around her, but I do think she feels lonely, as strange as that sounds.

I was thinking of arranging all of her old photographs, at the moment they're thrown in a box all mixed up, I was going to buy lots of photo albums and arrange them for her, it's not something I'll have ready for tonight, but maybe for next time I visit her. Does that sound like a good idea, or is it intrusive?

Don’t arrange the photos for her, arrange them WITH her - give her the opportunity to talk through lots of her memories, and spend time with you.

@CMOT she can knit, but she doesn't want to. The issue we're having with her, is that anything we suggest to her is met with a big fat no!

I just want to try and take her mind off things, if only for half an hour.

Erm I really don’t intend to trivialise your situation as it sounds very upsetting. I just thought I’d share my fail-safe trick for raising a smile in dire circumstances. It’s very silly and just a cheap laugh but these glasses: www.amazon.co.uk/Wendy-Cai-Disguise-Halloween-Accessory/dp/B07CRHQFYB/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?ref=plSrch&keywords=funny+eye+glasses&dpPl=1&dpID=41oIIbL7Z4L&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1542026846&sr=8-5

A friend of mine died in her twenties and after her funeral a group of us came back to mine where I had a pair of the eye shadow ones hanging around post-Christmas. Everyone was trying them on and we were all in hysterics including my dead friend’s fiancé. After all the giggling we actually had a ‘nice’ time reminiscing about our friend rather than just feeling miserable. I’ve since used them in similarly awful circumstances with the same result. Sorry if that’s really not the advice you’re looking for. It’s just a silly momentary distraction in my experience.

I just wanted to add that she has a right to her feelings. I know you mean well but maybe “cheering up” isn’t what she needs right now. Just sit with her and let her be. If she wants to talk, listen, if she wants to be quiet, respect that.

Oh my, this sounds very hard for everyone.

She might benefit from a low dose of anti-depressants.

@MrDonut, I agree, she has every right to feel low, she's going through something awful. I'm not expecting her to be jovial all of the time, but I hate seeing her so withdrawn!

Ask her about her childhood, her parents, her grandparents etc Video it, record it or write it down. Once she dies you lose a lot of history and info. You can buy books to fill in the questions.

What does she enjoy?

I know. It must be utterly heartbreaking for you all. Does she have a counsellor she can talk to?

@HashTag I did start going through things with her a few months ago for our family tree, so I could pick that up with her again.

@Philomena My Nan has never been one for hobbies, she has a huge family, 7 children, 21 grandchildren, and 36 great grandchildren, so she's never had time for them. She was also my Grandad's carer until he passed away 3 years ago, and I know his death left a huge void in her, her depression actually started when she lost him (understandably).

So in answer to your question, at the moment she doesn't enjoy anything

@MrDonut, not sure about a counsellor, she is in a brilliant hospice, so I'm sure they could arrange one for her. I'll mention that tonight.

Definitely go through the photos with her. I did this earlier in the year with my dad when he had a long hospital stay. We spent hours going through them, identifying people and they eventually got into an album.
I’m a bit of a family/social history geek anyway, and he was able to tell me so much about the family, we both got a huge amount out of it

It’s really hard (sadly been there, done that).

How old is your Nan?

What would she previously have enjoyed watching on the TV? Can you put it on ‘for the girls?’

Can you & the girls have a bit of a picnic tea there? She could just sit with you all ...and then hopefully at least nibble something.

Could you possibly ‘need help’ with some knitting?

Would she colour in with the girls if they asked?!

Get her a CD of music she likes. Music can always lift your mood

It's very tricky. Could you just sit with her, hold her hand, maybe play some music she likes at a low volume if it wouldn't bother other patients. I know she can't eat lots of unhealthy foods but maybe some nice boiled sweets to suck on. Don't feel she needs to be doing stuff if she doesn't feel like it. Sometimes just being there is enough. And checking she is comfortable. Hugs to you both.

@ILoveAutum she's 82. Good idea, I'll take some colouring things for the girls, she might join in, and I think I'll get her an adult colouring book and leave it on her side table when we leave. You never know, she might give it a go.

With such a big family is it possible for her to have visitors at different times of the day so she doesn’t experience too much thinking time.

It is such a difficult situation, Having her nails painted should cheer her up. The idea of showing things on pin terest is a good one.

Good luck

Following on from photo albums and memories, do you think she might enjoy Ancestry.com or similar? You could look through it together finding mentions of family in censuses etc and looking at family trees that overlap yours. Sometimes a distant relation has posted photos of ancestors that you've never seen or shared some information or memory. I know my family find that fascinating! You can get a free trial to start.

I wish I could have done this with my grandparents but they died too long ago.

Having her nails painted should cheer her up

Er, I’m not sure depression associated with terminal cancer quite works that way.

Op you’ve got good intentions but sometimes if you’re feeling very down, the last thing you want is people trying to cheer you up.

I’d just see her, try and keep things light and normal.