Driving... I need help getting my big girl pants on

[TalkmeUP]

Passed my test earlier in the year. Loved the little car I was driving and was very confident towards the end of my lessons.

Since passing I've been out in our car a good few times, only ever local. It's been ok... not a fan of the car really, it's bigger than what I learnt in. It also has electronic handbrake and all the bells and whistles, my learner car did not.

It's been a few weeks since I've driven it (down to illnesses and the fact I've had no real 'need' to force myself to drive).
But now I'm terrified of getting back behind the wheel.
I don't even know why.
I've stalled it a couple of times and it really knocked my confidence. I just hate the thought of driving it.
It's really getting me down. I spent so much money on driving lessons in the hope I'd finally have some independence and just go off and do my own thing.
But all it's done is heighten my anxiety.

I think it's the clutch control I'm focusing on in my head. Im fine whilst driving, I consider myself to be a very safe driver.
But I hate the though of stopping at a junction or lights because I know all it takes is a slip of the foot and I'll stall the car.
Which is daft because, truthfully, that's only happened a couple of times.

I've spoken to OH about maybe getting an automatic but he wants to keep this car for as long as possible as we'd just be throwing money away (the same make & model in an automatic is about 3k more)

Well this has turned into a big pity party... but what would you do if you were me? Any wise words?
I would just go for a drive on quiet roads to get used to clutch control but I have to enter a busy main road as soon as I leave my small road so I just keep putting it off...

Not stalling will only come with practise. Don't worry about the people behind you and just drive.
My car is old and rubbish so sometimes itll stall, I just turn the engine back on and carry on.
Go for it you'll be fine.

Thanks @SprogletsMum
I know my fear is kind of irrational and I just need to practice.
But it's gearing myself up to actually get in the car that has become the issue... what on earth is wrong with me?! 😭

It’s all those other drivers that seem so confident and natural, isn’t it? They seem to know all the roads and can make such quick decisions and manoeuvres. All those 17 year olds who look like they were born driving.

It comes with doing it over and over and over again.

Why don’t you get DP to drive you to a quiet area and then leave you to drive around a bit on quiet roads so you can park and do a few 3point turns and stop and start at junctions without having thousands of people making you feel pressured?

I don’t know how old you are but I think if you learn to drive later in life you are more nervous. My Mum learned in her 40s when she moved away from London and never really got confident.

Its super super common- honestly. I have felt the same, and the only thing to do is to do it.

Avoiding the thing that makes you anxious makes the anxiety worse.

Pick a quiet time - early morning, late night, when there will be less cars about and pick a quick familiar route. Do it every day for at least a week.

I stalled a courtesy car I was unused to 2 times at the front of a four-way control traffic lights queue, so a long wait between phases - the lights changed from green to red TWICE and cars behind were beeping me... You can’t be worse than that!

I have been driving nearly 30 years and I stall occasionally, by the way. I just shout “bugger!” and restart the car.

And you can do baby steps - go and get in the car, adjust the mirrors etc, switch the engine on, once around the block and home straight away. Just get over the hump of avoiding it.

I stall relatively frequently - it’s never caused a huge issue. I actually stalled on my test!

I learnt late in life too and I’ve found I need to drive at least once a week or I start finding excuses not to drive and then it becomes a big thing. Just get in and drive around the block. You’ll remember it’s ok!

Wow, thank you all so much. I was expecting everyone to come on and tell me I shouldn't be on the road 😂

@Undercoverbanana you've got it there... it seems so easy for everyone else! I look at everyone driving their cars when I'm walking the school run and think 'how come they find the biting point so easily? Why didn't they stall with that big queue of traffic behind them?!'

I'm 30. I wish I'd done it years ago rather than now when I've got 3 young kids and big flipping car 😞

Just get behind the wheel and use it, I git my driving licence at the age of 37, my husband who always puts me through a lot had me drive three hours on a motorway on my own just after I passed. Then we had to drive to France a few weeks later, and I had to do a nightmare school run down narrow lanes with lots of traffic and although I cursed him at the time, I'm grateful now as I can go anywhere. I still stall some days but I can park very well, reverse round corners and do three point turns very efficiently.

It sounds like you have no confidence in the car which is the problem. I've been driving for years and will drive anything (literally, I was driving round in a jumbo transit yesterday. So much fun!) But if you're not comfortable with the car it'll have a real impact on you as a new driver.

Can you have a couple of top lessons first in your learner car then your current car?

It is one of those things where you need to just crack on and do it though. I was scared stiff when I passed and now I do regular 200+ mile trips to see friends.

Have a plan. If I stall I'm going to do this this and this.

Practice makes perfect

@HermioneWaslib I definitely feel I've built it up to be this massive thing now I haven't been driving for a few weeks.
I just find it so embarrassing when I stall. Even worse if the car starts to roll... I just don't want to be the person who ruins someone's day by rolling into them.
Maybe I shouldn't be on the road... but I was so good when doing my lessons and passed my test daily easily (2nd attempt though)

I had the same thing. I think when you learn as an older driver it’s so much harder to get that confidence that everyone else seems to have! I literally stuck to the same couple of towns for about a year, then I got my dream job which meant an hours drive each way. After a few weeks of rush hour traffic, I soon got used to being on the road and there was no stopping me. I think driving every single day will help you. Break up the journey and practice things that particularly worry you, ie big roundabouts. I also found going out with my DH in the passenger seat helped in the early days as I had someone to talk to about my anxieties.

I'm fine with stalling but terrified of the slip road ONTO a motorway and I've been driving for 25 years!

Fears are only conquered by practice 😊

I really think most people feel like this for a while after passing their test. When your are learning you think, once I pass it will be so easy, but I think there's still lots to learn especially in the first few months after passing. Just remember that every single person driving has been a new driver.

Can you put some 'just passed' plates on your car ? Most people will be considerate of new drivers, give you more room etc, if only so you don't roll into them.

Can your OH drive you to somewhere really quit and just let you practice so you get used to the car without being on busy roads?

It really will get easier and if you stick with it you won't even think about clutch control as it just becomes second nature. Worryingly I have often arrived at my destination without remembering driving there 😬

Good luck !

Did you say you have trouble finding the bite point? I don’t know if this will help, but I learned where mine was by sitting on the drive with the engine and hand brake on, putting the car into first and slowly raising my left foot off the clutch. If you watch the bonnet you’ll eventually see it start to lift and the engine noise should change slightly. Put your foot back down and repeat until you’re comfortable with it. No need to touch ghe other pedals.

At lights etc. I was taught to over-rev the accelerator as I moved away. You can’t stall if you’re over-revving but you will if you under-rev! It’ll seem really noisy to you but bear with it for a bit - the cars behind can’t hear you! Just be careful as you’ll lanch off a bit quicker to start with. Eventually you get used to it and gradually learn to balance the clutch and accelerator.

When we change our car I tend to stall it a fair bit untill I get used to it. I think this is made worse because I don't drive frequently. Could you be driven to somewhere quite (like an industrial estate) so you can practice for a while till you get used to the car?

@SpidersWithBellsOn thank you! This is the thing, i was never taught to use the accelerator when moving off... sounds odd, I know, but my learner car took off so easily just using the clutch so that's what my instructor taught me.
I do think that's my problem, I never know how much to rev... so I play it safe and try to find the bite first, as I was taught, and then gas afterwards.
Is that not right then? The engine isn't getting enough power so I just stall?

Yes, it's hard to believe I passed my test 😐 I am a good driver when the car gets going, honestly!

And my learner car and our car are both diesels so it's not that...

Driving after you pass your test is daunting so I totally understand where you are coming from. I agree with PP, start off driving on short journeys at quiet times and slowly start building up to longer trips and peak times. I know it's difficult but the trick is focusing on your car and going at your pace without getting flustered by the cars behind you. Perhaps put a P on your car might help other drivers be more patient with you. I had mine on my car for about 3 months after passing as I felt other drivers gave me more space x

Just book your instructor to take you out a couple of times in your own car - you'll soon get your confidence back and there'll be no stopping you

My dh told me when I was struggling and stalling a lot (it is rarer now!) that if you stall more than once, people assume there's a problem with your car!

Alternatively, would it help to have P plates on your car? To signal that you're still a new driver? I had them on for about a year and I found it better to imagine people rolling their eyes because I was a new driver than rolling their eyes because I was a "Stupid woman driver" (not that I should care about people who think like that!!)

I'm not surprised you're stalling if you're not using the accelerator. Shoddy teaching imo.

My big diesel car tends to move off at about 2500 revs. Think of pressing the gas as you come off the clutch. Can you find a quiet road and just practice moving off?

I've been driving for ages and I stall my husband's car if I drive his. It's different car from mine and I forget his needs a bit more welly to get going than mine. Practice as much as possible. Driving is a skill and you need to practice to get confidence. Even if you keep stalling you'll realise it doesn't matter you just shout "oh fuck it" and restart the car. Half the problem is feeling embrassed in front of other drivers but you need to learn to ignore them and focus on restarting your car and moving off in a safe manner. P plates might be an idea like mentioned before. People tend to be a lot more patient with a new driver.

Also if you're worried about rolling backwards you can put the handbrake on – this gives you two feet for gas / clutch / bite point and then you can use your hand for the brake. This is what my driving instructor taught me. I'd say you need a couple of lessons with someone other than your original instructor as it seems they just taught you to pass the test in their car.