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Original poster

Just had a really weird conversation with DH

50 replies

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2018 17:50

FiL is really ill at the moment and DH is understandably really upset, and getting all deep and philosophical about life.

So today, over lunch, he said, "You should try every day to do one thing which makes you really happy."

Me: "Oh I do loads of things every day that make me happy."

DH: "No I mean you should try and not do things that you don't want to do."

Me: "No I never do anything I don't want to do, I just say "No"".

At which point, all the kids started laughing and agreed this was indeed the case. But thinking about it, am I some sort of sociopath, floating contentedly through life whilst DH does all the crap? Actually I am currently mumsnet ting whilst DH hoovers the house, so this could indeed be the case. (I am just about to make dinner though, which I quite like doing and don't really consider a chore.)

So does anyone else only do stuff that makes you happy?

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 10/11/2018 18:00

God no I didn’t think any adults only did things that made them happy. What about laundry? Looking after ill kids? Going out in the rain? Etc etc etc

Carpetglasssofa · 10/11/2018 18:03

am I some sort of sociopath?

Need some concrete examples before offering my armchair diagnosis, I'm afraid.

Did you refuse to change your children's nappies because it wouldn't make you happy?

Do you go off on holiday alone without warning anyone in your family?

Have you flirted outrageously with dc teacher in front of your dh at parents evening?

Or do you just say 'no thank you' to the PTA?

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 10/11/2018 18:05

Personally I think you've got an excellent handle on life...im close to the same but not quite there and it frustrates me

Can't be doing with martyrs ...youre right

I think people misconstrue it ...as selfishness but they miss that I often want or choose to help people out , it's just that when I don't want to or it harms me and mine , I don't feel guilty saying no

Loopytiles · 10/11/2018 18:08

Do you enjoy your job, cleaning, family admin, laundry, cooking for the family?

I don’t enjoy many of those!

LettuceP · 10/11/2018 18:12

I'm the same, don't think anyone would call me a people pleaser Grin
Obviously I do the generally mundane things that I don't want to like working, cleaning, changing nappies etc but that is because I have to. I rarely do anything that I don't want to do unless it's completely necessary.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 10/11/2018 18:14

I don't do things I don't want to do if I don't have to. It's why I've given up LARP and most social media. And cooking for the children.

Life is too short to be a martyr. Also I don't think it is selfish to look after yourself as if I do then I can actually do all things I don't want to do but have to do like organise things and tidy up for instance.
But I am not going to be someone who does something because I THINK I have to even when I don't.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/11/2018 18:15

No, I’m with you. Obviously I do some stuff that’s part and parcel of being an adult which doesn’t make me “happy”; but I don’t do things for people, accept commitments, make social arrangements etc which I don’t really want to. And guess what? People actually like this about me - if I’m in their company or doing something for them they know it’s because I actually like them and am openly happy to be doing it.

formerbabe · 10/11/2018 18:17

Surely if you're a parent you do loads of stuff you don't want to do for the sake of your kids?

VladmirsPoutine · 10/11/2018 18:25

I'd say it would take a lot more than not doing the hoovering to render someone a sociopath.

museumum · 10/11/2018 18:27

Well it does sound like your dh was saying HE wanted to spend more time doing only things he wanted to. Is your family life fair? Are you taking advantage? We can’t tell you.

Annandale · 10/11/2018 18:28

Sounds v functional.

Most of the stuff i don't want to do is extended family stuff. In fact all of it is. But i find that not doing it tips over to feeling slightly worse.

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 10/11/2018 18:33

I very rarely do things I don't want to do but I don't have DC yet. I can't imagine I can maintain that having DC.

I obviously do housework but most of it while I don't particularly want to do the task I want the end result, so I don't want to clean the bathroom but I want a clean bathroom therefore I clean it. When I've done it it makes me happy. I wouldn't do something I didn't want to do for the sake of it

Orlande · 10/11/2018 18:34

Without examples it's impossible to tell whether you are a selfish partner/parent, or someone who finds joy in laundry, reading the Gruffalo 10 times in a row and standing in the cold watching under 12s sport.

missyB1 · 10/11/2018 18:38

Ha ha perhaps he was hinting! What about laundry, mopping floors etc I bloody hate all that shit but I do it.
I don’t accept invitations that I don’t want to attend anymore. I’m not going to a Xmas night out with people I don’t really like. And this year for the first time I’m refusing to go to dh’s colleagues house for Xmas eve drinks. I’m not stopping dh but I’m not going - I’ve never enjoyed it!

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2018 18:39

Well I really love DH and the kids, so I'm quite happy to be running around after them most of the time: if they are happy, I am happy. I like cooking and I don't mind laundry or cleaning, don't hate it or anything. I don't do loads of cleaning though.

Maybe it's more social stuff. DD23 really wants me to do a spa day with her best friend and her mum. She said she would really love it. Quite frankly I'd rather stick pins in my eyes and I've told her so in no uncertain terms. DH has a crowd of friends (sporty types) that I am just not keen on; I have absolutely nothing to say to them. I refuse to socialise with them now. DH is welcome to go, I don't mind. Because I just get nothing out of seeing these people.

OP posts:
ScarlettDarling · 10/11/2018 18:39

Cleaning the loo? Cleaning the oven? Mopping up sick from poorly dc? You never do stuff you'd rather not do? Wow!

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 10/11/2018 18:42

As an adult, there must be some things expected of you that you don't enjoy, surely?

I mean, I don't enjoy hoovering, but DH seems to, so I let him do it while I iron, so that makes me happy. In a very small way, admittedly!

However, DH is having to deal with all of his elderly mother's life admin now, as well as managing her care, and as he has no siblings, it's not like he can have a rota or split the responsibilities. He doesn't enjoy it. How do you suggest he deals with it to make it "enjoyable"? Get the OP to do it Genuinely curious!

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2018 18:44

Orlande There were definitely books I refused to read to the kids: Mr Men shite and those terrible Thomas ones. I do Sunday morning touch lines at an absolute push, if DH is incapacitated in some way. Actually last time I did it, DS was so happy, I enjoyed it enough to make it a more regular thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2018 18:46

I've never cleaned the oven. DH mostly did the sick. I did it if there was no alternative.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 10/11/2018 18:51

I think never cleaning the oven points to selfish as does leaving the sick to DH. Although there are hoards of men like that so you could just say it's striking a blow for equality. I think massively too many women do much too much crap they hate. And it leaks out in the end as passive aggression. Much better to avoid shit you hate.

I refused to listen to 'kids' music. Fuck you Raffi. DD was raised on proper music.

Nanna50 · 10/11/2018 18:52

Perhaps he’s hinting that he does things he doesn’t enjoy or want to do every day?

GabsAlot · 10/11/2018 18:52

so you dont do sick cleaning or anyting u dont want to and dh does it instead

Maelstrop · 10/11/2018 18:54

I think it's bollocks to say you don't do things you don't enjoy because we all have to do stuff we don't like work for a living, get up during the night to feed/change the baby, support an event we're not thrilled to go to.

Over the years, I've learnt to say no to doing stuff I don't want to do eg trips with mates somewhere I don't want to go, refuse invitations to go somewhere, do something. I think that's different from saying you don't do anything you don't enjoy. Normal family life means you have to do some stuff you aren't enjoying every day.

Orlande · 10/11/2018 19:01

If you're doing all the household/parenting stuff that has to done, and just saying no thanks to social stuff you don't fancy, then that sounds pretty normal Confused

Original poster
TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/11/2018 19:07

When the kids were little I did the whole ebf, getting up at all hours thing with them, because I wanted to, I loved them (still do obviously) and enjoyed them. I've never found them boring. I have four of them.

I didn't want to go back to work after DC1 though, really didn't. Proper sobbing every day didn't. So DH said, "Stay at home then, we'll be poor but we'll make it work." And by the time I started feeling a tad guilty about not working DH had his own business so I joined him and we worked from home which was quite exciting and enjoyable although it was hard work.

Actually reading all this, either DH has quite indulged me, or we have been lucky to find a balance that works for us. DH is pretty happy and does loads of stuff he enjoys.

OP posts:
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