Just had a really weird conversation with DH

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

FiL is really ill at the moment and DH is understandably really upset, and getting all deep and philosophical about life.

So today, over lunch, he said, "You should try every day to do one thing which makes you really happy."

Me: "Oh I do loads of things every day that make me happy."

DH: "No I mean you should try and not do things that you don't want to do."

Me: "No I never do anything I don't want to do, I just say "No"".

At which point, all the kids started laughing and agreed this was indeed the case. But thinking about it, am I some sort of sociopath, floating contentedly through life whilst DH does all the crap? Actually I am currently mumsnet ting whilst DH hoovers the house, so this could indeed be the case. (I am just about to make dinner though, which I quite like doing and don't really consider a chore.)

So does anyone else only do stuff that makes you happy?

Maybe your DH feels like me, like he is drowning under a never ending like of laundry and will never see the light of day again. Give him a hand Tink. Do you think he delights in sick and dirty ovens?

So does your DH enjoy hoovering, or is he doing something he doesn't like to do. If I went through life not doing things I don't want to do the house would be condemned .. most things I do I don't like doing but have no choice

You are fortunate to only do what you like doing. Most people feel obliged, if only occasionally, to put themselves out and do something they are not keen on.

However, if you only do what you like, good for you!

I wish I'd read this thread before cleaning up cat vomit and I've have got somebody else to do it.

It’s hard to tell. Mostly you sound very balanced and happy but maybe you should check in with your dh if actually he wouldn’t burst into tears if you came along one day to something he’d love you at but knows you’re not interested? I am a little like that but it’s all about social life , at home I don’t enjoy the shit work but it has to be done. I do remember girlfriends in high school mystified when I didn’t go to a movie because I didn’t want to see the movie. That is not apparently how teen girls are supposed to think 😬

I think he's happy enough hoovering and cleaning the oven. No one is sick nowadays; kids are mostly grown up and past that stage.

Interestingly, lots of my friends think DH is quite indulged because I am happy for him to go off watching football, training for triathlons and generally doing his thing, whilst I supervise our youngest kid, cook nice food and generally keep the home fires burning.

I think there is a balance between being a total martyr and being entirely selfish - like MrsTerryPratchet I would never listen to kids' music, or watch crappy kids' tv or read the sort of childrens' books I hated Harry Potter and I also choose not to socialise with people whose company I don't enjoy or go out just because 'it's a night out'. But there are various aspects of keeping a household functioning that I just get on and do - to the minimum standard .

See I'd never have a cat Brizzle, no way would l clean up after an animal.

You sound like a pretty content person who has a good balance with you dh in terms of chore division. Nobody loves every minute of their day but like you I try very hard not to fill my diary with stuff I’d actually dislike and am also really happy so say, ‘sorry, it my thing,’ if invited to an event I’d dislike.

Hope your FIL gets better.

I feel like you and me would get on Ragwort. Minimum standards here too

I do loads of things I don’t want to, or make me happy - my job, cooking, cooking meat, watching dc swim (at least once a week for 10 years), sit in gridlock n the M621, get up at 6am.... my windows of opportunity fir doing things I genuinely enjoy (cycling, walking, reading a book in peace, time to myself, one to one time with either dc or DH) are pretty slim.

I have no choice OP. I have to do the shite - wheel the bins out, wipe up cat barf, scrape plates, unblock DD's long hair from clogged drains etc etc; cos if I don't I will just be the eternal nag to DH - whose Dad, coincidentally has just be diagnosed with a stage IV glioma......so I don't think he'd fancy doing all that after a long trip to hospital. Sorry. But you sound a tad lazy or choosy or opportunistic....not sure which.

I think it's just a different attitude to the same thing - I don't enjoy doing laundry vs it makes me happy to see my children in clean clothes.

Hmm, depends. I see what you're saying...similarly, we recently had a mindfulness coaching session in work and the instructor asked how many of the group were really hard on themselves, beating themselves up for minor things and constantly thinking what they should have done better....mine was one of the only hands that didn't go up.

I agree that lots of people are too eager to please others at their own expense, and it doesn't always lead to great things for anyone...there are a million threats on MN attesting to this where sometimes I just want to shout at the OP GROW A BACKBONE/STOP BEING A MARTYR.

You only have one life to live, after all.

But of course there is a thin line between not doing things that make you miserable, and being utterly selfish. e.g. with your daughter - if she has said she would really love the spa day it's a bit mean to say an outright no. Would it really kill you to do it as a one off for a few hours to make her happy?

Is it the spa part you hate or the best friend/mum? Could you compromise on a spa day with just her/a cocktail night with her, bf/mum?

I agree that sometimes you should put yourself first (and as per other posters, also agree that men seem to have much fewer problems doing exactly this, and are criticised much less than women, and particularly mums for doing so) but at the same time what's the point of having loved ones if we don't put ourselves out there for them occasionally?

Laundry is a pretty easy chore though: kids sort stuff (whites/colours etc and put in bin. I shove in machine, then in tumble dryer, peg out if it's a nice day, sort into piles, kids put away.

Laundry is not something to hate, and like Orlande, it's nice to see the kids in clean clothes. Nowadays the grown up ones do their own laundry anyway. And DH changes the beds. I do hate changing the beds.

You sound awesome OP. You sound really relaxed, happy to do things for your family, and happy to say no if you don’t want to do something. We could all be more like you.

Re the spa day, apart from not wanting to be massaged or treatmented in any way by a complete stranger (shudders), bf and bf's mum have an extremely dysfunctional Jeremy Kylesque lifestyle, which I think DD has an unhealthy fascination in.

I am absolutely not interested in their dramas, which could be basically solved by the mum L ing TB. Which frankly, she should have done ten years ago and her daughter would probably be less fucked up. I seriously doubt that quaffing a few glasses of prosecco with me is going to make bf's mum see the light and change her life, as DD seems to think.

I think you have it right.
No one has ever said that all the HW should the women responsibility or that she had to do xx at least some of the time otherwise this would be selfish.
I mean how many men actually never do xx and yy p, even the ones who are ‘good men who help a lot’?

Fwiw I am finding I’m doing a lot of what you do OP but for a different reasons. I’ve basically have been fighting tooth and nails for H tomtake some responsibility. And any responsibility thatbive managed to hand over is now just his. For the simple reason that, if I was to step up for him or do it some time to time, it would becomes MY responsibility again. And I a, refusing to take responsibility for everything.
So H does all the ironing. Always. (Not so Different than women doing all the ironing always tbh)
He does the hoovering because I can’t do it physically.
I do all the emotional labour and looking after the dcs because, frankly, he is crap at it. (And actually I enjoy that).

I’m quite good at not doing what I really dislike (I refused to do the waiting in the side line of football matches for example).
But then I feel guilty for doing so .
Which is then followed by me remembering that H what’s never done with the dcs things he really disliked. So why should it me doing all the effort and sacrifices and not him, at least some time to time?

I envy your set up though. Because even though, it sounds similar to mine, you came form such a different and positive angle (been happy) from me (reactive from something I really disliked)

at the same time what's the point of having loved ones if we don't put ourselves out there for them occasionally?
You see I have no issue doing that because that makes me happy to see them happy iyswim.
But i also do appreciate that the effort I’m making is appreciated and that I’m not taken for granted (my dcs are teens now so they ought and do realise that now).
Whereas there are people close to me where I’m really doing any effort anymore because they took me for granted for so long that I will not go out of my way anymore.

I’m always doing things I don’t want to do because I want the results of it.
I don’t want to clean but I want a clean house.
I don’t want to cook but I want decent meals.
I suppose that means I’m doing things I want to do?

Anyone will do something for you if they want to do it.
If you really care for someone you will do things for them that you don’t want to do.

I rarely do things that I hate doing.

I’ve never cleaned the oven and if I had to then I would pay someone to do it for me.

So DH does it.

I hate hoovering so DH does that.

I do most of the normal house stuff because I’m home more than dh so I do change beds and do laundry but I watch a movie while I do it.

I would never go out somewhere if I didn’t want to go.

No is a complete sentence which Mumsnet has taught me.
I use it often.

I'm fond of my ILs and my BIL. But when the ILs visit BIL it is SO boring since they never go out - all we do is loiter around BIL's house while they cook lunch. So DH goes and I don't go. Problem solved and no-one thinks I'm snubbing them.

My DH is like you. He does only what he wants to do, except when I force him to be social for my sake. He doesn't get the sense of obligation or guilt that I get when I don't see extended family etc. He just doesn't enjoy it so he doesn't do it.

I think it sounds like you have a good attitude rather than being lazy. Like you, i don't particularly mind cleaning, cooking etc so it doesn't feel like 'doing something i don't want to do.' Same with going to work even if I don't feel like it.

Maybe i'm a little bit Pollyanna about life, but I do remind myself that i'd rather have a house to clean and a job to whinge about than not!