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Original poster

How do I deliver a eulogy without crying?

36 replies

OlennasWimple · 07/11/2018 21:21

Just that. I've been asked to give a short eulogy at a funeral next week. For various reasons, including some of the other people who will be there, I really, really don't want to cry, even though I seem to cry at anything at the moment (damn perimenopausal hormones)

Any tips to keep the tears at bay would be gratefully received

OP posts:

lilyboleyn · 07/11/2018 21:29

Can you ask the vicar to read it for you?

Stiff drink before hand?

Practice it lots and lots and lots beforehand.

BookWitch · 07/11/2018 21:33

I managed to read a eulogy at my dad's funeral.
Practice it a lot - and I mean read it through dozens of times.

When you are reading it, focus on one face in the audience, someone neutral (I knew I couldn't make eye contact with my DM or Dsis, or I would lose it)

If you do feel yourself beginning to cry, pause and count to 3 slowly. It will feel like a long time to you and will give you a moment to readjust, but to everyone else it will seem like a long pause

BookWitch · 07/11/2018 21:33

I saved the stiff drink for afterwards

LongDivision · 07/11/2018 21:36

It's very normal to cry while delivering a eulogy. But anyway, keep a cold glass of water at hand, and have a sip whenever you feel like you're about to cry. This creates a physiological effect that stops you from crying.

user1486076969 · 07/11/2018 21:42

I had to do a (bible) reading at my DF funeral. My saving grace was that DS(2) would not stay with DH so I had to carry him and read at the same time. I appreciate this isn't relative to your situation by can certainly recommend some sort of 'distraction' technique.

BinkyandBunty · 07/11/2018 21:42

Sorry for your loss.

I read on here, a tip to look up at the ceiling the moment you feel your eyes well up. It's really effective and I used it to get through my first ever funeral without crying at all. And I'm someone who's bawled at funerals of people I've never met, and cried harder than the widow. Also, have something small in your hand to fidget with if you need to focus yourself.

My other advice is to not put too much pressure on yourself, it really is ok to cry, there's no expectation that you perform to a certain standard.

Good luck.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/11/2018 21:47

Pretend you're a newsreader. I'm serious - it works.

Original poster

OlennasWimple · 07/11/2018 21:48

Thank you for your responses.

Practicing, looking up, sipping water - all sound good

I know it's OK to cry, I just really don't want to IYSWIM

OP posts:

LavenderBush · 07/11/2018 21:49

I think it's entirely acceptable to cry when reading a eulogy at a funeral, though I appreciate you may prefer not to.

Perhaps you could ask the vicar (or some other 'understudy') to take over from you partway through IF this happens? They could be ready just in case.

You could signal to them and duck out with your poise intact if you feel yourself welling up too much.

Just knowing that you have this fallback plan may take some of the pressure off.

domesticslattern · 07/11/2018 21:51

I am sorry for your loss.
If I feel like crying, I pinch the web of skin between my thumb and first finger. The pain is distracting.
Do wear no eye makeup or waterproof eye makeup, as worrying about mascara panda eyes is not good.

GinIsMySaviour · 07/11/2018 21:57

OP, I have a tip for stopping your voice wobbling when you are close to crying - push the bottom of your tongue against the back of your top teeth.
I don’t know how it works but it’s saved me from sobbing when sad or furious.
Good luck

shutlingsloe · 07/11/2018 22:00

I also found it useful to look up/right to the back. Catching anyone's eye was too much for me.

Helenluvsrob · 07/11/2018 22:01

Deliver a eulogy without crying ?
Firstly don’t worry. A sniffle is fine. No one will notice. When 18yr old ds did the eulogy at my mums funeral ( he was amazing ) the Vicar advises him to write it all out and if he couldn’t continue at any point the Vicar would just take over.

Original poster

OlennasWimple · 07/11/2018 22:02

Yes, definitely a day to leave the mascara off

DH will step in for me, I think, if needed. I'll warn him to be ready. As you say, that could help relieve the pressure

Gin - what do you mean by the bottom of your tongue?

OP posts:

Hallouminati · 07/11/2018 22:02

Practice reading it out loud, over and over. I've found that recording myself on my phone also helps. It's horrible to begin with but if you do it enough times it really helps.

Maginthemirror · 07/11/2018 22:03

I read at my husbands funeral - there was so much I wanted to say - especially about why I had chosen the next song- I had read it aloud to myself so many times that I didn’t get too emotional- I feel I got through the words without breaking down because I had practised what I was saying.
I did break down though when I sat down and our song came on.

Rainshowers · 07/11/2018 22:06

When I read at my dad’s funeral I read through the words over and over until they almost lost their meaning and knew it by heart. And I took my DH up to the front with me in case it got too much, but I just squeezed his hand as I spoke. I also had a big drink beforehand!

I figured it was my only chance and nobody would hold it against me if it was a bit teary. Hope it goes ok.

pallisers · 07/11/2018 22:11

I did eulogies for my mother and father - and for a much loved uncle.

I wrote it out and read it over and over again before hand.

When I read at my dad’s funeral I read through the words over and over until they almost lost their meaning and knew it by heart
This is great advice. the words kind of have to lose their punch for you. It is also ok if you wobble a little at the very end

I asked the priest if I could give it before the service so I could concentrate on the service properly without it hanging over me (and without me getting more emotional having listened to the hymns/sermon/prayers etc). That worked well.

I think it is a great thing to say the right words to honour someone you love. sorry for your loss and best of luck.

whatsnewchoochoo · 07/11/2018 22:22

Do not make eye contact with anyone. Seriously, it always set me (and others) off crying at funerals

TooOooOnaStubbs · 07/11/2018 22:26

My best friend died in a work related incident. We both worked in a male dominated high risk industry and as such when I wrote his obituary, but it was light hearted and funny - the black humour being a coping mechanism.

His father was a very precise, opinionated military man and asked me to speak at the funeral. I wrote a beautiful piece but his father rejected it, saying he wanted something more akin to the funny one he had seen in print.

I really didn't know how it would go down but it was his fathers wishes so I practiced and practiced and practiced. I took the key points of what I was going to say on postcards so I wouldn't just read text with my head down. I worked on voice projection (it was a big church), looking up and making eye contact, timing and not speaking too fast (I'm really bad for doing that when I'm nervous).

I didn't screw it up and pretty sure it went down well.

GinIsMySaviour · 07/11/2018 22:28

Sorry I was unclear... I mean the underside. So the underneath bit of the tip of your tongue

Knittedfairies · 07/11/2018 22:30

Practice, practice, practice. I did the eulogy at my mum’s funeral; I gave the vicar a copy in case he had to take over but I got through it; the advice to practice until it almost loses meaning is spot on. Fortunately I’m short-sighted, so I ‘looked’ at everybody over the top of my glasses - just a blur so no eye contact. There were a couple of bits I’d written that always made me wobble, however much I tried not to, but I felt they were important things to say about my mum. I hope it goes well for you.

Bobcat14 · 07/11/2018 22:31

I did the eulogy for my dad. I knew if I looked at anyone, I wouldn't be able to get through it so I wrote the eulogy as a letter to him. That meant I felt as if I was reading something out that was just between me and him and meant I didn't have to focus on anyone else.

GrabbyMcGrabby · 07/11/2018 22:34

Placemarking for tips.

for all recently bereaved.

BitOfFun · 07/11/2018 22:36

The newsreader tip is a really good one. Just don't try to sound like one!

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