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Original poster

Advice needed - who is the father of my unborn baby?

43 replies

FTM0619 · 07/11/2018 11:54

Hello. I have been in a relationship for 12 years.. we have had a very rough few months where we were not happy in our relationship, especially me as I wasn't getting anything from him - his time, affection, love.. nothing. So I was in a very bad place. As a result of my vulnerable state I ended up having a one night stand. It was not planned, it was completely out of the blue and it was never ever my intention to cheat but it happened. It was at my sister's house, she had a party and a colleague of her husband was pursuing me all night. It was adults only and we were all very very drunk. Eventually I fell for his sweet talk and we ended up having unprotected sex (not proud at all.. ashamed of myself)
The whole experience was very hazy due to how drunk we were.. I can't recall him ejaculating inside me however at one point he jumped off and ran into the ensuite then passed me a tissue for 'down there'. At the time I was in too much of a state to even consider the risks.
This happened a day after my period ended. 22nd September
LMP started 16th september.
The next day I was on a high, I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend (he came inside me)
The following morning (monday 24th) I took the morning after pill Ella One. Approx 34 hours after sex at the party and 12 hours after sex with my boyfriend.

Time passed. The next month was a month of working non stop, parties, weddings, my birthday etc. So it was a full on month. I could feel my period coming, had some light bleeding (implantation) and then no period. So 10 days late I did a test = positive.
My period should have been due around 16th October.
I went for an internal ultrasound and blood tests. The scan said 6 wks 1 day pregnant. Which goes back to monday 1st October - 8 days after the party.. (but this date could be wrong as nothing is exact)

I've also been wracking my brains of when I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend. I know we did it 3 times in that month where he came inside me (which NEVER happens- I don't let him, but this month I did, maybe out of guilt, stupid of me I know)
So one time was right after the party, one time was when I was already pregnant and the other time was in between.. I cannot pin it to a day or a week. I can't even remember the occasion. I just remember it being 3 times in the month.
So now I'm pregnant of course my boyfriend knows... he doesn't know about my 'secret' he thinks it's his.
I HOPE it's his.. but I just know there's a chance that it might not be. This would destroy him if the baby isn't his... I just don't know what to do.
I understand that every woman's cycle is different but what are the chances of it being the party guys based on the dates?

I just need reassurance. Obviously I'm not going to terminate, a baby is a gift. I just need peace of mind. I will struggle through the pregnancy with this anxiety it's not fair on the baby and I want to enjoy it.

Also sorry if ive added too many details trying to give as much info as possible.

Any advice / knowledge would be much appreciated

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 07/11/2018 11:58

Sorry but how are we supposed to know? Confused

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 07/11/2018 12:04

So you had the ons on day 7 of your cycle, ovulation typically on day 14, sperm lives around 5 days max. If lady luck is truly with you gej baby is your dp's.

Ultimately dna is the only true way of knowing.

Crunchymum · 07/11/2018 12:12

If you had sex with the ONS the day after your period finished you would be aprox cycle day 7.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but my DC3 is a cycle day 7 baby!!!

Having sex with your DP on cycle day 8 probably means it's a slightly higher chance it is his baby. I'd have a real good think about the other time you and DP has sex. If it was mid cycle you should be ok.

I would also think carefully about having a child with such a big secret hanging over you.

Annajohnsdottir · 07/11/2018 12:15

I agree with PP that you may have gotten lucky and there's a stronger chance that the baby is your DP's. You'll never know for sure though until baby arrives and you do a DNA test.

Are there any physical differences between the one night stand and your DP that would be apparent when the baby was born? Hair colour, ethnicity? etc. It would be horrible for your DP to see that the child wasn't his (potentially) at the birth, assuming you never mention it the whole pregnancy.

BarbarianMum · 07/11/2018 12:16

Forget peace of mind. You have no way of knowing who the father is so, if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, you'll either have to come clean to your dp or tell him he's the father and hope you're right. Or split and have the baby as a single mum.

Wolfiefan · 07/11/2018 12:17

We can’t tell you. And a one night stand doesn’t just happen. Confused

Mookatron · 07/11/2018 12:22

We can't know.

How is your relationship with your bf? Did you sort out the problems you were having? Because a baby isn't going to improve it if it is his.

Only you know if you can live with a secret like this. I know I couldn't but I am not you.

HoustonBess · 07/11/2018 12:23

Don't mess with your DP. You need to come clean now, give him the option of whether to stay with you. It's not your decision to make. Passing off a baby as his when it might be someone else's is a terrible thing to do.
You're basically lying to him now by pretending you're 100% sure he's the father. It would be awful for him to go through pregnancy and birth then find out. You should also tell the other bloke there's a chance you might be pregnant with his baby.
You made your bed, you've got to lie in it I'm afraid.

CarolDanvers · 07/11/2018 12:29

Highly unlikely it is the ONS, considering it was the day after your period ended. Not impossible but unlikely.

Neshoma · 07/11/2018 13:15

you need to be on the pill

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 07/11/2018 13:25

Neshoma no she doesn't, she's already pregnant.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/11/2018 13:27

No one here can tell you.

Please be honest with your DP- no one deserves to be deceived like this.

CIT80 · 07/11/2018 13:37

6 + 1 would mean you conceived around 9th October - so highly unlikely it’s the ONS.

Gazelda · 07/11/2018 13:40

Apart from anything else, have you spoken to your sis? I wonder how she would feel keeping your secret if she knew there was a pregnancy in the mix?
I feel sorry for your situation OP, but I think that you should be honest with your DP.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/11/2018 13:53

We can't tell you. Nobody can. You need DNA; either now or after the baby is born.

You also need to consider that if a baby appears 9 months after you have an unprotected sex with a one night stand; and the other person involved in that finds out, he may well have questions.

If you are over the difficult time with your partner, can you explain to him what has happened? It wouldn't be easy for you or him; but it's worth considering. If you hide it from him but have DNA done when your baby is born, will you tell him if the baby isn't his? Will you ever tell him about the ONS?

Sallygoroundthemoon · 07/11/2018 13:56

It's probably your boyfriend's but unfortunately there is no real way of telling apart from a DNA test.

Original poster
FTM0619 · 07/11/2018 15:32

Hi. Yes my sister knows absolutely everything she is my best friend and my rock. I've also confided in my mum. The event that happened was completely out of character for me.. and they understand the circumstances which lead up to that night. I feel awful that I've burdened them with it but they're so supportive, I just can't shake the guilt.

OP posts:
Original poster
FTM0619 · 07/11/2018 15:47

Thank you to most of you for your comments I do appreciate them.
Deep down I do think it's my boyfriend's.. I just have this awful anxiety at the slight chance that it could be the other guys. I wasn't really expected someone to tell me for sure (maybe I worded it wrong) but I meant from experience of dates / morning after pill etc someone might know more..

I feel burdened with the guilt, I was close on many occasions to telling my boyfriend about the party before I found out I was pregnant.. but decided against it as I didn't want to ruin what we were trying to save of our relationship.
We have been together for 12 years- he is the only man I had been with, until that night. My boyfriend is older than me, in the past he has given me free passes to experience it with someone else before we settle down.. I didn't take the passes I didn't feel like I needed to. (Not the expected behaviour of a boyfriend but that's how selfless he can be)

Then the series of events unfolded which lead to me making this mistake. I will admit my inexperience and naivety has caused this issue.. Even though I took the morning after pill!

And I really do want to tell him I just don't want to break his heart. I can't live a lie that's the worst part. It pains me to look at him knowing what I've done.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/11/2018 16:33

You cheated. It wasn’t inexperience or naivety.
Get an STD check.

SillySallySingsSongs · 07/11/2018 16:37

You cheated. You could be pregnant with someone elses baby. You have told your sister and mother.

You need to tell him and sooner rather than later.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/11/2018 16:37

You say you took the MAP within 48 hours of the ons - so I think it is highly unlikely that this baby is a result of that - I think it must be your partner’s.

OlennasWimple · 07/11/2018 16:39

your relationship sounds a little unconventional, TBH. Not many people in committed loving relationships offer their partner "passes" to sleep with other people

WhyAmISoCold · 07/11/2018 16:42

Pretty sure the OP is fully aware that she cheated so posts full of judgement are not helpful.

bumblingalongway · 07/11/2018 16:42

It's unlikely to be the ONS. However you owe it to your partner and to your unborn child to tell the truth and get a DNA test done once he/she is born.

Emma765 · 07/11/2018 16:46

So you believe you had unprotected sex with your partner after you took the morning after pill but before you ovulated? It's likely to be that occasion where you got pregnant I guess, due to how early in your cycle the others were and the fact you took morning after pull after them.

But, as others have said it's really not possible to say for sure.

Hope you have been/are being tested for STDs, for everyone's sake, especially your baby's.

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