How can I repair my relationship with MIL

[HollyWoods8224]

The wounds are about 6 months old, I'm a real grudge holder and she's super sensitive (sensitivity level: lip trembling and teary eyed over us going on a 3 day holiday)
I don't want to upset her deliberately, but I don't want to compromise my personal space/sanity.

She gossips, anything I have told her previously, she has used as conversational filler. Both with people I know and people I don't - It's come all the way back to me and since then I've been very tight lipped about everything I do. She's now hurt that I don't keep her informed. (visibly, she asks a question and her bottom lip goes wobbly when my response is friendly but not full of details)

She had a habit of turning up at our house unexpectedly I thought it was inconsiderate, we could have had plans etc but its family so ya put on a smile and make tea and biscuits etc.
Then - when she knew we were at work, she would turn up and hanging about in our garden (intrusive?),
THEN - she turned up at our house when we weren't home and brought her friend/s and IMO that's just flippin invasive!
We obviously didn't know until we ran into a friend of hers - who told me how lovely our garden was?! - I was upset and felt violated.
DH (because i was ropeable) told MIL that it was not OK, and she needed to back off me in general, which ended with MIL in tears.

I'm now very defensive of my personal space bubble around her, and some other in laws who don't see it as problem (maybe I'm the problem??!). When leaving, i'll say goodbye, let DH do his hugs etc, and stand near by waiting/slowly move towards the door. MIL will follow me 10-15m with the intent of getting a hug.
I feel like a deer being stalked and she looks like sad puppy when I don't reach out - i'm not sure how to explain, i'm just not on a huggy wavelength with her anymore and im not sure i can shake that?

My immediate thought was that its DH's mum, so DH's problem, but their relationship has bounced back.
Its my relationship with MIL that needs work and because of that I think i'm the one that needs to do something - but i don't know what or how!?

Wow, that's ranty! It didn't feel that long when i wrote it! - sorry

Do you want to repair it though? Or will it go back to how it was if you make amends and are prepared to mend the relationship?
She sounds like my MIL, who feels she can do/say anything she wants and I shouldn't take offence, like telling someone she was excited about her 'first real grandchild' daughters baby, despite me and her son having 5 of our own, and when I react she cries and gets all upset and hurt.

I’m so sorry, what a gas lighting and dismissive thing for her to say! In my experience those rude comments are followed by ‘I didn’t mean it that way, stop causing a scene’
Uhhh, So what way did you mean it??? please explain for the room...

You’re right, I don’t want my ‘olive branch’ to be seen as a green light for it to be repeated. I’m hoping to find a way to make amends while making it very clear that our boundaries are not to be crossed, and that I can’t just forget it like DH has (honestly, he’s had a lifetime of dealing with their sh*t, hes moved on quicker than me because he’s used to it - that’s not a good thing!)

Oh @HollyWoods8224 honestly I could go on. I hope you sort it in your way but in my experience you are much better off just cutting them from your life, I'm very fond of the saying 'don't borrow trouble' and while it's all ok I'd just leave it!

She needs to get a life.
You are not being unreasonable wanting your own space. She's trying to take over and dictate your life.
Go on holiday , it's your life and if she doesn't like it. Tough. You're not doing anything wrong.

Oh and you cant make up with her in a sense. Because that would mean compromising your own wants and needs.

Assuming that you are being polite and civil I don’t see it as your responsibility to mend the relationship.

Your MIL has to do the work by respecting your boundaries (and stopping the wibbly lip would be a good start)

Be polite, be kind - anything else is on her.

You can only be friendly and normal, give the same casually friendly info you would give over a work coffee with someone you get on with. I guess to help it I would do a kiss hug goodbye, I don’t see that as an imposition but perhaps people I know kiss hello more- I wouldn’t say it is treating your mil any better than a fellow mum I’ve met up with for coffee once , to give a specific recent example. I would also make sure you do givethe usual casual level of information to not just clam up. Picture a casual friendly acquaintance and pretend it’s their question you are answering. The occasional social white lie about nice to see you etc is prettynormal for maintaining extended family harmony also.
If you are doing this and there is lip quivering, not your problem. Hide exasperation/ amusement. Or make a joke of it. I’d tell you more but the lady at the shop would know by 9am tomorrow. Oh well, suffice it to say it went ok! I’m getting another cup of tea, would you like one?

I would suggest she is the give an inch take a mile sort of mil....
Don't do it op.

I doubt you will regret it - whereas do you want your garden opened to the public next time you are on holiday?

MIL's remark about the dgc was just thoughtless but my DM said something very similar once. I had one D's by my H, and then I had another baby by a bf. DM said, "of course this one's nothing to do with me". I said "What? They're both mine and I'm your daughter. Of course ds2 is your dgs!" She realised what she'd said and agreed. We didn't NC over it though!

If you are feeling so inclined I suppose you could explain that you are hugely private and her tattling your business gossiping about you and intruding in you home has really rattled you and that you need to know she will not do this again in order for you both to move on

Doing that does shine a light on her shortcomings, however it may be that if you take the blame she will just think you are being silly and just get sneakier about things

With a bit more distance can DH have a proper sit down chat with her and see if she is open to making a proper apology?

Timeisnotaline - I could suck it up and give her some general chit chat, but this always develops into more invasive questions.

• how were the people I visited, what have they been doing etc - and I think if she knew them well enough to know those things she could ask them herself.

Yes, DH told her I’m rattled and need to know it won’t happen again. MIL told DH it was just the one person (a relative) because they wanted to know how we were... which would have been OK but it wasn’t, I’ve bumped into lots of her friends who know more than I’ve told them, and the stuff she passes on isn’t limited to DH and I, it’s extends further into my family and our friends lives who MIL has met once or twice but doesn’t really know.

She still talks to me about other people (while I zone out and sit in silence), so I’m dubious - if she’s saying it to me she’ll be saying it about me etc - I wonder if she knows she’s doing it or if I should point it out during a conversation?
(‘and here’s MIL again, reporting live from someone else’s business..’)

To be honest your latest post makes me think that you are super-sensitive to anything that comes from your MIL - how is it over-intrusive to ask if your friends have been doing anything interesting lately? A lot of the stuff you mentioned would irritate me greatly, but you might be looking for things to be irritated about, too.

Triwarrior - yes, I definitely am overly cautious and triggered by her asking for any information that doesn’t concern her, which is why I just clam up.
Anything I say could be repeated to the next 15 people MIL bumps into, it makes me want to not say anything at all - MILs friends have no need to know about my friends/families lives (unless they hear it from the source)

Did the local shoplady actually need to know that my dad (who is not local) bought a new house, did that information need to be passed on?
It had nothing to do with MIL or the shoplady, the only reason MIL knew is because DH and I were helping with the move.
If the shoplady (who Neither DH or I had met) asked about us, surely MIL could have filtered her response to ‘They’re away helping some of Holly’s family this week’?

But that to me just sounds like someone being personable and chatty. Not intrusive. You might not be as chatty and there's nothing wrong with that, but sharing information is a way to connect with people. Life would be pretty dull if everyone limited their conversation to only their immediate friends and family!

It's hardly a state secret, is it, that your Dad is moving?

Maybe I am less chatty then, a conversation limited to being about people you know - or even better, people in the room at the time- sounds ideal to me!

No it wasn’t a secret, but it wasn’t their business either.

Blimey, I thought you were being reasonable at first but some of the things you said later were bonkers!

It's normal for people to talk to others about their family and what they're up to. I think she sounds lonely if she's telling a shop keeper about your dad's house, but it's harmless, isn't it?

Some things should be kept private but others are not that important.

Yup, completely bonkers - I know it!

I think I felt so invaded by the earlier crossing of boundaries that I’m now over protective of my space/thoughts/self.
I don’t want her to be hurt be my withholding information, but the fact that her lip wobbles when I don’t tell her how big my dads mortgage is - to me means she still thinks she’s entitled to know.

Which is why I’m finding myself here, asking for suggestions to repair it, without giving her the impression that I’m boundaryless

I feel for you OP as I’d like to work out how to improve my MIL relationship too. My major issue is that MIL (French) constantly makes swipes and digs at the UK and I’m sick of it. It came to a head over Brexit, where she loudly proclaimed that she hoped the UK is severely punished for the leave vote and that people suffer. I haven't been able to let this go and I’ve withdrawn from her somewhat as a result.

I want to just get over it and move on, but I can't get past the idea that she wishes my country and people harm. I’ve no advice unfortunately OP, but wanted to say I know how you feel.

@Singlenotsingle that's your Mum though! Your actual mum, who, as mine regularly does, puts her boot in it because she knows your bond is unbreakable. My MIL professes to be an amazing grandparent and mother, witters on about this 'close family' that doesn't exist. I will avoid her if I can and I do.

Maybe there’s room for improvement and consideration of both parts.
You need your space and she wants involvement and to live vicariously. There’s a middle ground.
Give her titbits on inane conversation that is including her but not giving away state secrets. Tell her you’ve bought a lovely candle from John Lewis but don’t tell her you’ve an appointment with a gynaecologist. That can’t be too difficult, surely? Conversation and small talk have important roles to play in building relationships. Sometimes we don’t NEED to know things but it’s not odd to show an interest in the lives of others.
Would a hug/kiss be so very difficult when you say goodbye? She reared the son you love so can’t be all bad.

@HollyWoods8224 I forgot to reply earlier and say I'd remembered something else, when I found out I was pregnant and with my now 7 yr old, I was high risk due to two ectopics previously, so we told just my mum and his mum, asked them to keep it quiet because obvs it was unconfirmed, but we needed them to know because we needed childcare for the other three, every other day so I could go for hcg tests and internal scans, such fun. Anyway, fast forward to bumping into his mums nail tech in Asda and lo an behold she whispers to me 'how's the pregnancy?' I just looked at her gone out and was like what? Am I that chubby? Walked away and burst into tears. Anyway, turns out she'd told EVERYONE and the reasons why we were having blood tests down etc. I can't forgive her for that.

@HollyWoods8224 I clearly need a MIL post. And therapy.

I think lots of DILs and MILs need a special kind of couples therapy! Maybe that’s something I can look in to.

It’s just such a hard spot to be in, having not been raised in this family and then being expected to just ‘fall in line’ with what they do (and equally them having not raised me and suddenly being expected to know things like how private I am)

Your story is the sort of thing I’m scared of happening if I don’t nip MIL in the bud now.