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Original poster

Help me be sympathetic to DD with developing eating disorder

38 replies

brownmouse · 05/11/2018 17:40

I know this sounds awful, but I have run out of patience with her.

She's 16 and is seeing the GP for further referrals: on a waiting list. Although my expectations for this are low.

She won't allow me to engage with her health professionals so I don't know her weight or BMI, but she is eating around 500 cal a day. She's is thin.

I don't think she is actually particularly unhappy. She is very, very "perfect" and controlling. Her bedroom is perfect, she has shelves full of awards. This is like another THING she has to be best at. Part of me has always known this would be her teen drama. She's always been a fussy eater and never had much of an appetite.

I am exhausted from work and from children/grandparents/etc. This feels like something else draining me. I feel like a terrible person thinking that.

How do other parents manage this, and the conversations, what to say etc? Should I aim to get her to eat more calories? Because she won't let me engage at all with her healthcare, I'm getting no advice.

Advice from anyone welcome...

OP posts:
Flower777 · 05/11/2018 17:44

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed with everything right now. Is there anyway for you to find someone to talk to to support you through this?

PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2018 17:44

There’s a really good website called beat. I think they’ve got a helpline for parents or those close to people with eating disorders.

It’s really hard Flowers

Please try to be angry at the illness, not at her.

PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2018 17:45

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2018 17:46

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines

Here are their helplines and support services.

Onebiteofeverything · 05/11/2018 17:50

Will she open up to you at all about her eating?

Is she aware that an eating disorder can have a big impact on her future fertility?

Being too low weight can cause damage to her developing reproductive system and affect her hormones. If it becomes grounded in her it can cause a life long mental health disorder.

I struggled myself for years and wish someone had spelt out to me in the early stages the reasons I needed to fight it. I am now recovered, but not cured. It will always be my demon and the first thing I resort back to when things become difficult.

Lila288 · 05/11/2018 17:50

I had anorexia when I was 15 - 18ish.

Have you got parental controls on your internet? Do you have access to her phone?

The worst thing for me (looking back) was the "pro-ana" blogs/ forums/ tumblr etc as it made me feel like part of something bigger/ validated and almost like I was in competition with the other posters in terms of losing weight and gave me "motivation". (I hope that makes sense)

They are very dangerous.

Original poster
brownmouse · 05/11/2018 17:54

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I don't have parental control on her phone - I am divorced from her father (many years) and he won't let me have any controls as he pays for the phone. We have argued about this a lot. I do control the hours that she accesses it, but that's all.

It is a good point spelling out the issues. I may do that at some point (when I am calm!).

I don't have any support at the moment. I am trying to reduce my hours at work because at the moment I don't have any time to think!

Thank you for the website suggestions: I will look at that.

OP posts:
Beamur · 05/11/2018 18:03

I'm no expert, but the 'perfection' comment made me wonder - eating disorders are often about control, and that can sometimes stem from anxiety. Anxiety doesn't look the same for everyone.
Being below a certain weight also affects your brain chemistry which will impact on thinking rationally about this illness.
I was bulimic as a teen but successfully hid it from everyone, I was fortunate that I came out of it without needing help or doing myself too much harm.
Even if you can't control your DD's internet use, the websites referred to above could be hampering her recovery.
Once you're armed with more information, hopefully you can help your DD more.

Lila288 · 05/11/2018 18:14

Is there any way her father will listen to you regarding the phone restrictions?

These sites allowed me to spiral out of control. I had "friends" and we would compare weight loss and give each other tips. It even went as far as sharing pictures of how "skinny" we were/ ribs sticking out/ bones showing. And that was met with praise and admiration.

I really feel for her. And you. I only realise now the hell that my parents must have been going through.

I think speaking to someone a few years older who has been through it (and recovered) would also help massively. They will be able to relate and she may also listen to the advice.

I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop myself. She needs to be brought out of the all-consuming world she is in. (Easier said than done)

Bombardier25966 · 05/11/2018 18:20

Part of me has always known this would be her teen drama.

How ignorant can you be, you think an eating disorder is a teen drama?

Lila288 · 05/11/2018 18:46

Part of me has always known this would be her teen drama.

This should not be dismissed. My parents said similar. Everything had to be perfect in my life.

Which led to my ED.

dangermouseisace · 05/11/2018 18:56

I was anorexic. If someone had told me that I wouldn’t be able to go to school (before it was too late) and that I’d not be able to do my A levels/go to uni at the same time as my pals it would have given me an incentive to try to eat. As it was, no-one noticed until I was at risk of death and I had to stop school immediately. It was hard when everyone else was going to uni and I was sitting in front of food in hospital.

Miljah · 05/11/2018 19:01

Lila I agree. It's not 'ignorant' on the OP's part; she maybe saw patterns developing, and recognised anorexia as another thing her DD would compete at.

I may be wrong here, but I regard some anorexia as 'teen drama'. That doesn't trivialise it, or invalidate it.

I work in an area of HC. I, not often, but often enough, watch family dramas unfold in front of me; where everyone has 'their part to play'; learned, rehearsed roles. The anorexic teen in the middle of it isn't actively controlling the narrative, it's just got too big to handle.

NorthernLurker · 05/11/2018 19:04

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Your daughter is in the grip of a severe and potentially life long and life limiting illness. It's not a matter of drama. This is as serious as it gets. Please seek some real life support for you and her father. He needs to understand how at risk your daughter now is.
I think reducing your hours is an excellent idea. I would also suggest discussing the situation with your gp now from a point of view of providing support for you. It will be much easier to get their help if you need it in a few months if they already understand the context.
You also need to know that she will very likely be deceiving you about what she is eating and she won't be telling the truth to the medical team either. Anorexia feeds on competitive and controlling personalities. They always think they can push it further, be a 'better' anorexic. You cannot talk her out of it. She needs long term professional help.
What you need to do is be the best support system you can and that means accessing support yourself so you can see any dangerous changes as well as encouraging positive improvements.

RandomMess · 05/11/2018 19:10

What little I know from a good friend whose DD went through this - when they are very underweight their brain stops processing properly hence you. Can't reason with them - they literally can't see it.

Be warned it may come to force feeding your DD (ie to have use of her phone or similar) in order get her nutritional needs satisfied so she can start the therapy side.

It was grim but her DD is doing great now.

Millie2013 · 05/11/2018 19:19

Hi OP
So sorry you are both going through this, there’s a really good forum called “around the dinner table”, with some useful contributions from parents who are in a similar situation to you.

SilverDoe · 05/11/2018 19:28

I know this is really hard for you but I need to warn you without sounding like I’m doing it to hurt you - your attitude towards her is the worst kind of attitude you can have towards someone with an ED and this battle can and probably will shape the rest of your relationship with her - for life.

As another poster has said - the need to be in control and perfect is the very basis behind anorexia - if she’s had these tendencies before it sounds like she absolutely has some kind of anxiety and it is really a slippery slope - EDs are one of the few if not the only mental health disorders you can actually get by learning about it - and then by the time you are sucked in by the disgusting romanticised Tumblr bullshit it’a too late - your body and mind have already been affected and it becomes harder and harder to stop.

It’s important to distinguish your DD from her eating disorder - even if she had perfectionist tendencies before the ED, this shit is real and you need to unequivocally stop acting like your DD has chosen or is choosing to do this to herself - she is choosing her actions but that is because she has a disorder that is making her feel like she has to. Being secretive and deceptive is again all part of it - she’s not doing it to lash out at you.

Please just shower her with love and sympathy. I know it’s hard with teenage girls but she really needs it and she needs to her through this because it can wreck her life and inhibit her in ways she can’t even imagine right now. But please support her - it’s would be horribly damaging for her to hear that she’s “getting in the way” of other worries and she’ll feel that those things are more important than her. You need to take time for yourself and seek your own support but please don’t ever even hint to your DD that the reason you want her to be over her ED is because it’s a burden for you - it’s just not fair and will push her further away.

I hope things turn out okay for you and your DD - I had a secret eating disorder when I was a teenager too and it sent me into the blackest depression. That was also triggered by pro ana literature online. It’s really tough and I wish I had parents that had been more sensitive about it.

Bookridden · 05/11/2018 19:52

I sometimes think the media has a tendency to glamorise EDs and show them in a very unrealistic way. It's such a terrible illness for this who have to deal with it, and I think the portrayal/ emphasis on EDs as suffered by high-achieving, "best little girl in the world" types is perverted. Actually be more accurate to concentrate on bad breath, excess body hair, extreme egocentricity (starvation leaves no room for worrying about others), being boringly obsessed with food, desperate for attention whilst denying this etc etc. These are the affects of such a devastating illness and OP I don't blame you one bit for resenting it.

lljkk · 05/11/2018 19:53

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SilverDoe · 05/11/2018 20:08

lljkk that’s fucking horrible, you sound like a narcissist coming out with stuff like that toward a young girl Angry

I’m those hilariously witty comments would snap anyone with an ED right out of it Hmm

Can’t imagine how fucking hurt I’d be to have someone snidely taking the piss out of me in that situation, especially my own bloody mother.

NorthernLurker · 05/11/2018 20:10

I would strongly suggest ignoring Lljkk's post. It's not helpful.

SilverDoe · 05/11/2018 20:11

Also hate to tell you but that’s a pretty common line of an abusive or otherwise nasty parent - “I was a dick to you because the world is a nasty place so I wanted you to be tough enough for it”

Original poster
brownmouse · 05/11/2018 20:48

Yes by "drama" I mean she has the typical personality type for this to be her teenage "thing", so I've always dreaded but expected it.

Same as I did for her older sibling who was "trans" for a couple of years. I feel like I've just got the other side of that endless watching of everything we said, and now this is the next thing...

I love my teens but fuck me between them and four sets of grandparents, they suck the will to live out of me.

There's some really helpful advice here that I will read through and digest - thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
brownmouse · 05/11/2018 20:49

Bookridden I agree about glamorising it. The problem also is that 90% of the female actors on TV are probably thinner than DD. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
brownmouse · 05/11/2018 20:53

Silverdoe in what way do I have "the worst kind of attitude possible" towards by DD?

I have respected her privacy, taken her to all her health appointments and not asked to come in or pestered to know what's going on, spoken to her gently and kindly and only when I'm calm. I cook for her and don't get cross and give her space aplenty. We are really close generally.

But yes this is pissing me off because I am exhausted with LIFE.

OP posts:
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