Help me be sympathetic to DD with developing eating disorder

[brownmouse]

I know this sounds awful, but I have run out of patience with her.

She's 16 and is seeing the GP for further referrals: on a waiting list. Although my expectations for this are low.

She won't allow me to engage with her health professionals so I don't know her weight or BMI, but she is eating around 500 cal a day. She's is thin.

I don't think she is actually particularly unhappy. She is very, very "perfect" and controlling. Her bedroom is perfect, she has shelves full of awards. This is like another THING she has to be best at. Part of me has always known this would be her teen drama. She's always been a fussy eater and never had much of an appetite.

I am exhausted from work and from children/grandparents/etc. This feels like something else draining me. I feel like a terrible person thinking that.

How do other parents manage this, and the conversations, what to say etc? Should I aim to get her to eat more calories? Because she won't let me engage at all with her healthcare, I'm getting no advice.

Advice from anyone welcome...

I know, Brownmouse. It's bollocks. And if you've been through the trans thing as well, you've had more shit than anyone should. The thing is, mental illness is no-one's fault, including the sufferers, but having to constantly deal with what is an illness equivalent to and as devastating as alcohol/drug addiction is not only incredibly tiring and sad for carers, it's also very very boring. And you would be given much more sympathy if you had expressed such a feeling about caring for an elderly person with dementia, but it is almost as if having such a nasty illness precludes sufferers from criticism as unpalatable aspects of their behaviour can be attributed to the ED. It's much more nuanced and complicated than Internet debate usually allows. Look at what happened to Joan Bakewell when she ventured to suggest that EDs were caused by narcissism. I don't agree with her about this, but it was interesting to see the strength of feeling that went into defending EDs sufferers. Would a similar comment about drink or drug addicts have attracted the same ire, or are some mental illnesses more equal than others???

Okay, I’m sorry my post wasn’t as sympathetic toward you, I know it’s you posting for advice, but you ask in “what way” your attitude might be unhelpful and it’s this part of your post that stuck out to me:

“I don't think she is actually particularly unhappy. She is very, very "perfect" and controlling. Her bedroom is perfect, she has shelves full of awards. This is like another THING she has to be best at. Part of me has always known this would be her teen drama. She's always been a fussy eater and never had much of an appetite.”

It just shows a fundamental lack of understanding about how the ED might be affecting her. I know it’s hard to reconcile but being impatient and weary that she’s going through this would most likely be damaging to hear - if you’re not involved with her health care because she’s (typically of anorexia sufferers) private about it then you need to get involved more and looking for professional advice about how to deal with it in terms of parenting and also how to cope with it on a personal level - it kind of sounds like from what you’re saying that it’s not at the forefront of things if you’re not involved with health care and are struggling to understand and deal with it. So my advice would definitely be to seek professional help.

I don’t know how to say it without coming across as rude and it’s not my intention as I know I absolutely can’t know what your current strategy or set up is - I just do know
people rightly get fed up of people with ED’s because it’s hard to witness self destructive behaviour but you sound like you’re treating is as too much as a choice on your DD’s behalf and it’s just not something she is going to be able
to snap out of on her own.

It’s good to vent feelings and maybe I’m projecting my own experiences into your situation but I get the impression from your post that you just want your DD to stop acting like this without taking in the gravity of what it means to get an ED. It’s kind of like drug addicts - even though they can come across as unsavoury and highly selfish people, it’s only because they have a MH issue that is making them behave that way. So i think it’s best for close relatives in situations like these to learn from professionals the best way to support without enabling - if you google anorexia support for parents some good resources come up.

Good luck.

SilverDoe - good points. I think Brownmouse is looking for a safe place to vent some frustrations. After all, someone has to care for the carers. Hopefully she will get some support from professionals, but knowing how badly underfunded MH provision is, she may be feeling very isolated with all this.

It’s interesting that I cross posted with Bookridden as we are talking about the same thing but from compete opposite perspectives!

I really think a professional opinion on your and your DD’s situation would be best for you. Because regardless of what your opinion on the reasons or lack or good reasons for having an ED are, the point is your DD has one and so it would obviously be best to overcome that as quickly as possible.

FWIW I know people who have had EDs including myself and I know people who have had various addictions - and not one of them are otherwise perfectly happy people with know issues. As in, none of them are just doing it for the hell of it.

Sorry Bookridden cross posted again! I will leave he OP’s thread now as I’ve left so many comments already but I really do wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

If you’re daughter is only eating 500 calories a day then she is in serious danger and you can’t take a wait and see approach. Her brain will become affected and she’ll lose her logic and rational thought. The priority is to make her eat using whatever leverage you can.

Do look at aroundthedinnertable.org. Forget respecting her privacy, you take her phone and computer.

Caring for an anorexic child is a nightmare and full time job. It has a high fatality rate and I wouldn’t wish the hell im living on anyone.

You really can’t delay, I’ve done many a dash to A&E with food refusal. Separate child and eating disorder, it really takes them over. It’s a demon in the house, it can get violent and manipulative but it’s the illness not the kid. Happy to talk by PM.

Former anorexic here. Agree with PPs that all you should do with lljkk’s post is ignore, ignore, ignore.

Utterly unhelpful for all concerned. How the flying fuck is expressing feelings like that to a sufferer directly supposed to help anything?! Damaging, nasty, corrosive stuff.

I can't take her phone: it's her dad's bill she and she would just move to his. To be honest, she doesn't spend that much time on it and doesn't have a laptop. She's mainly studying and she gives me her phone or leaves it in the kitchen when she Ian studying anyway.

Thanks for advice all. There is no parent support group for over an hour and that is volunteer-led. (No disrespect meant!).

She has another GP appt this week so I'll see how that progresses. Every day feels like a minefield in saying and doing the right thing!

OP, I am so very sorry. It's a devilishly hard mental illness to beat, and with a high death rate. "As a parent I worried about pretty much everything but the one thing I didn't expect my children to get was mental illness", as a friend of mine said.
I highly recommend a programme on BBC iplayer, 'Talking to Anorexia' with Louis Theroux. It shows how conflicted the sufferers are about getting well, speaks with long term sufferers, and shows how it can affect the family. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09d5nk2

The doctor can and will do nothing.

Please, this is urgent. look up the forum mentioned tonight. Food is the only thing that will get her well, every day she restricts is further into the ED.

So far the doctor has been really good as far as I can tell and has been blunt/honest with her. I think hearing it from someone professional has been really positive. She is seeing them again for further testing and onward referral as far as I can make out.

I will check out the various websites etc mentioned. Just wanted to speak up for the Gp as saying that primary care 'can and will do nothing' is not very fair. Hearing it from someone impartial has been good.

My doctor is very good too and very sympathetic, what I mean is there’s little practical they can do. ED waiting lists can be long, so my advice is learn all you can in advance because unless your daughter needs to be taken into hospital for treatment you will be told to feed her at home, this is standard.
As I said I’m very happy to talk by PM.
The book by Lock and Le Grange Help your Teenager beat an eating disorder is very good as is a book by Laura Collins, I forget the title.

Just out of interest, when you say the GP has been blunt with her, what have they said to her?