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Original poster

SAHMs how do you share childcare at the weekend?

32 replies

salopek · 04/11/2018 14:12

Does your OH help a lot?

My DH works long hours in the week and is exhausted come the weekend which I understand, he needs some down time too. I think our situation would be different if he had a regular 9-5 but some days he won't get in from work till 2am.

Come the weekend, I'd love some help from DH but childcare is seen very much as my "job" and I'm tired and need a break too. I'm also pregnant which is adding to the tiredness. We argue EVERY weekend about who is more tired and who should have a lie-in. Unless we have something absolutely concrete in the diary like visiting friends or something, we don't get out as a family because DH says he's tired and sleeps on the sofa all day. If I ask (beg) him to give me a break then he does pull his weight - but I shouldn't have to ask!

I'm just fed up and sad.

OP posts:
DevonshireCreamTea · 04/11/2018 14:13

Why are you having another baby if you can't cope as it is? You need to sit down and discuss properly. Can you not get some hired help ?

Original poster
salopek · 04/11/2018 14:18

I kept thinking DH would change if we have another baby. STUPID I know.

We've spoken about hiring a weekend nanny in the past. We can't justify the cost at the moment but may be able to in a few months' time (though it's not a complete given). I've also looked in to nursery but nursery fees in our area are pretty much the same as a nanny.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 04/11/2018 14:52

Take it in turns. One of you gets Saturday, one gets Sunday. This shouldn't be a who is the most tired competition- you both have stressful roles during the week. If he won't compromise, then at least you need to start mentally preparing this will never change and will be it for the rest of your relationship.

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foxyfemke · 04/11/2018 14:58

Well, he has to pull up his big boy pants and chip in. Being a SAHM is a job too, and especially if you're doing all bedtimes too, you need a break. He is a parent too, so he needs to pull his weight. If his work/life balance is so out of whack, he needs to address it and talk to whoever about the long work hours.

My husband works fulltime, and on the weekend we get a lie in each if our son is up early. I don't work, but I am a fulltime student, so today my husband has been spending all day with our son whilst I study for an exam on Tuesday.

WipsGlitter · 04/11/2018 14:59

Being a family isn't "childcare". Take it in turns for a lie in. Go out as a family coffee / lunch / museum / cinema / walks / swimming.

If you want a total break be clear "I am going out at xx and will be back at xx".

HellenaHandbasket · 04/11/2018 15:00

Dh tends to take over at weekends. We each have a lie in unless I have been getting no sleep with the baby. Then he tends to take the kids for a day so I can have some headspace. He works away during the week so likes the time with them. He's turfing the garden with their 'help' at the moment.

Original poster
salopek · 04/11/2018 15:03

Thanks @SD1978, I think that's the conclusion I'm reaching - that this is how it's going to be. DH has recently gone back in to finance (after a stint as an entrepreneur and losing lots of money, that's why it's not financially viable for us to get help in at the moment) so I hope once we start building up a pot of money, we will be in a position where I get some respite too.

We've tried taking it in turns like you suggest but on DHs morning I have to wake him up and he always says "just give me 5/10 more minutes" and I say it doesn't work like that!! I don't think he understands that his time is no longer his own.

I just wondered if it was like this for every SAHP/Working Spouse relationship.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 04/11/2018 15:04

You need to do things together as a family and take turns for a lie in. My DH works away a lot during the week so I sometimes think it isn't fair to ask him to do things at the weekend. But then I remember he has only had to consider himself for days whereas I've had to consider DS too, so it's only fair he mucks in.

MrsJonesAndMe · 04/11/2018 15:05

I agree that you should both get a break somehow. And there most definitely should be family time.

Here, I do early starts as DH is a night owl who struggles to sleep. Yes, it gets on my wick sometimes, but I'd rather we both got a similar amount of sleep.

Typical weekend involves DH doing some homework with children, some cooking or cleaning or ironing and we all go out together - this weekend we did swimming & a fair.

stegosauruslady · 04/11/2018 15:06

My DP is the DDs' step parent (I'm now pregnant with his baby). He works very long hours, but four on four off.

On his days off he does a share of the school runs and all of the dropping off and picking up from activities. He helps with homework as much as I do, goes shopping and does housework. At the moment, he probably does a bit more than 50% on his days off.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/11/2018 15:07

If childcare is seen as your “job” it was indeed stupid to think another baby would change that Confused No logic to that at all.

However what me & dh do at the weekends is:
1 lie in each (he has Saturday, me Sunday) it’s the fairest way 1 each
Dh does Bath, story & bedtime both days at the weekend as he doesn’t always make it home in the week for bedtime
DH also does all the cooking at weekends
We normally plan to go out 1 day every weekend as a family but have the other day as a relaxed home day so dh can chill as his job is stressful

Making a tiredness a competition never ends well, you are both allowed to be tired. Him becuase his been at work earning money for his family and you becuase you’ve been looking after the family. One doesn’t trump the other.

You need to sit down and talk about this like adults and decide a way forward as otherwise your relationship will be in trouble once you throw yet another child in the mix

continuallychargingmyphone · 04/11/2018 15:08

Ok unpopular view but if I got in at 2am I would be useless, I’m not kidding. What does he do? Shock

You do both need some downtime op but can you explain more re his job?

LBOCS2 · 04/11/2018 15:08

We get one weekend morning each to do what we want with. He plays football with his, I mostly sleep or watch tv in bed in some peace and quiet. The rest of the day we divide and conquer mostly; we have three between 11-2 so they have very different interests/needs. We meet on the sofa in the evening!

TheVonTrappFamilySwingers · 04/11/2018 15:10

Our kids are older now but when they were under 6 then we absolutely had a lie in each once weekend. I certainly wouldn't put up with his rubbish excuses. Either he is part of the family or not. So he pulls his weight over the weekend. What sort of rubbish is this sleeping all day on the sofa bollocks? Set things straight now or accept them and simmer with resentment for the rest of your life. I would be setting the ground rules now before new baby arrives.

Original poster
salopek · 04/11/2018 16:31

@continuallychargingmyphone he's an investment banker.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 04/11/2018 17:31

I think you're going to be in this for the long-haul; especially now that you're pregnant again. If I were you I'd keep pushing for the 1 day each over the weekend but if he knows that you're going to wake up and do it anyway then I don't think you'll get far. Keep driving the point home is all you can do tbh.

BertramKibbler · 04/11/2018 17:34

Every weekend I get Saturday morning off and my DH gets Sunday morning off, then the afternoons are family time.

hamzilla · 04/11/2018 17:38

So he works ridiculously long hours to the point that he can't even spend time with his family at the weekend. You don't have a husband problem, your husband has a job problem. I'm assuming the answer will be 'oh but we need the money' but why would anybody choose money over the ability to spend time together as a family? He surely has no decent quality of life outside of work with those hours.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/11/2018 18:21

If I was working those hours I'd be asleep half the weekend too.

Sounds an awful lot like he is feeling the pressure having lost a load of money, and is trying to make it up. Especially with another child on the way.

That doesn't make it right that you don't get any time off, but equally doesn't make him an arsehole.

HellenaHandbasket · 04/11/2018 18:22

How old is your other child?

BertramKibbler · 04/11/2018 18:23

Tbh I think it’s a bit harsh to criticise OP’s DH for working long hours, it’s not like he’s out drinking or playing computer games until late. It sounds like they’ve had some financial problems as a family and he’s putting in the hours to build things up again.

That being said, the long hours don’t excuse him from parenting duties, particularly at the weekend. He needs to recognise that his wife if tired too, that caring for a child 24/7 is hard work and that she could do with a break.

SoyDora · 04/11/2018 18:26

DH is in a similar job. He tends to do the bulk at weekends as he’s missed the DC during the week. I’m also pregnant with number 3 so he’s doing even more at the moment while I rest.

SoyDora · 04/11/2018 18:27

Does he not want to spend time with joe family?

SoyDora · 04/11/2018 18:27

*his

Ragwort · 04/11/2018 18:29

I know it's too late now but there are so many threads like this 'my DH doesn't do enough around the house .............. oh, and by the way I am pregnant'.

Maybe if just one other Mumsnetter read this she will think twice before having more children with a lazy husband. Why do people think their partners will change? Hmm

Anyway, to answer your original question, when I was a SAHM my DH more or less took over at weekends, he actively wanted to spend time with his own child. I used the time to go out, meet friends, do my own thing or just rest. We never had to discuss it or negotiate it, it was just how it was. And even so I made sure we stopped at one child Grin.

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