Jokes the cornier the better

[everydayunicorns]

I've had a rubbish Monday, worked most of the weekend, everything is flying unicorns - anyone got any jokes? The cornier the better

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana

old elephant jokes? really bad ones? How can you tell an elephants been in the fridge? footprints in the butter - no he's on a low fat diet - they were in the margarine. (told you it was bad) :)

How does an elephant hide in the fridge?
Upside down in a bowl of custard...

Guy walks into a bar. Says to the bar staff “I’ll have a double entendre”. So she gives him one.

This is from my fil.. it’s damn awful

What’s grey and doesn’t climb trees?

A car park.

Cue eye rolling 🙄🙄🙄

(You have to say this one out loud or it doesn't make sense. )

Bear walks into a bar.

Says to the barman:
'I'll have a pint of.................. Guinness please'.

And the barman says to the bear:
'Why the huge pause?'

Ok these are crap. You have been warned.

You'll never believe who I saw today..
Everyone I looked at.

They've been through some awful shit them you know.
My arse cheeks.

I hate working in that bakery but I knead the dough.

Knock knock
Who's there
Boo
Boo who.
Don't cry its only me.

I just can't get over it.
A 10 foot wall

What's round and angry.
A vicious circle.

Note to self. You're not thinking of going on Britain's Got Talent are you, spider

(bad Australian one) what's black and yellow & dangerous? shark infected custard.

I always remember the worst jokes,never the good ones.

3 ducks go to the pub. Barman asks the first duck, what's your name? Had a good day?

I'm Phil, says the duck. I've had an awesome day, been in and out of puddles pretty much non-stop. Lovely. Pints all round.

Barman to the second duck, as he pulls him a pint. What's your name? Had a good day?

I'm Gary, says the second duck. I've been in and out of puddles all day too. Really enjoyed meself.

Barman to the third duck, as he grasps his pint and knocks it back nearly in one. What's your name? Have you had a good day too?

My name's Puddles, says the duck. And my day's been shit.

Two welsh dwarves walk into a pub. Landlord says “sorry lads can’t serve you - you’re miners”

Ba-boom-tsh!

Another pub based one:

Billy the bunny walks into a pub and orders a pint and a cheese toastie. He finishes his food and thinks cor that was ‘andsome so orders another toastie but ham this time. Minutes later he keels over and dies. “What happened?!” Exclaims the landlord. “He was mixing his toasties”, replies Richard the Rabbit sadly.

I’ll see myself out.

🤣🤣🤣 these are awesome, made me laugh out loud. Thank you

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
Wooley jumpers

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry.

badoom tsssssh

what do you get if you cros a sheep, a kangaroo, and a pot of glue?

A woolly jumper.

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes!

How does the man on the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it

What's the best time to go to the dentist.
Tooth Hurty.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What's the difference between someone praying and someone in the bath.
One has hope in their soul. The other has soap in their hole.

What goes in hard and dry and comes out floppy and wet.
A tea bag. You dirty minded mares

What's yellow and stupid?
Thick custard.

What did the traffic lights say to the car?
Don't look now, I'm changing.

I had to go to the doctor t'other week.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.

"It's easiest if I show you" I replied, and pulled down my trousers and underpants, turned around and bent over.

"Blimey", he said, "you've got a bit of lettuce hanging out of your arse!"

"Yes" I replied, "and that's just the tip of the Iceberg!"

I spent a hundred thousand on a limo the other day and then discovered it doesn't come with a driver. Can't believe I spent all that money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with an octopus?

A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Council and immediate cessation of funding.