First parents evening poor report what do I do

[whereisthatpenguinfrom]

For context here I am a lone parent, working full time in a professional job in a city, DD has been full time at nursery in our village since she was a baby and has always had reasonably good reports, I got on well with her nursery staff and though she had her moments they would have said if she was regularly badly behaved. At home she is on the whole quite easy to manage though again has her moments - is not often what I would describe as naughty. She does get my undivided attention on evenings and weekends as I have full custody and there aren't many others around, we are quite isolated due to circumstances.

DD started at school in September, just had a first parents evening. To begin with the teacher asked me what my first impressions have been and I said DD won't tell me a lot. She then says that actually they have had some problems with DD not cooperating. Specifically, refusing to do what everyone else is doing, lying on the floor and regularly refusing to get up. I was so shocked and embarrassed.

Can anyone help me figure out how to handle this? I don't want to do it the wrong way and make it worse. On the one hand I could give it some more time as DD is settling in at a new school and ask the teacher to keep me updated. I could regularly remind DD its important to do what teachers say and I want to hear she has been good. On the other hand, I don't know - take something away, introduce a reward chart?

What do / would you do?

Also for context the school is a medium sized village primary, Ofsted outstanding, they seem very organised, keep parents informed etc and the teacher I just get the impression is a good one with quite a lot of experience. From DD's reaction (she was there listening to it all) what she was saying was true. I think maybe DD wasn't aware I would find out what her behaviour had been like at school and that in itself might give her pause for thought.

What do the school do when she does that?
Is she ignored/sent out/miss playtime?
Could you talk to school about maybe putting a smile/neutral face/frown in her reading record that comes home everyday to show you how she's been? If she gets so many smiles you get her a book or treat? If she gets friend she misses a treat/no tv - whatever works for her?

Her behaviour can't be that bad if they haven't contacted you. Sounds to me like she is struggling to settle in.

Gets a frown....

I wouldn't focus on disciplining your DD for things the school has already dealt with during the day.
Instead I would think about practising following instructions with her, praising her when she listens well and does what is asked. Lots of repetition of little instructions, lots of praise. Don't do stuff for her and don't step in when she faffs about.

Absolutely remind her that he must do as she is told and say you expect to hear good news about her from now on. Parents would be amazed if they saw what their children were like in school sometimes. Well done for being proactive about it!

Why is this the first time you've been told?
School should have spoken to you before. Parent's Evening isn't supposed to involve big surprises.

I think talking to your DD about what her teachers have said might help. Some children have a hard time at school and the reasons can be more complex than the child being deliberately uncooperative. Maybe she doesn’t understand what she’s supposed to be doing or is unsure or dislikes something in the classroom. Ask the teacher for an update week by week so you can feel included in what’s happening.

booellesmum they didn't tell me what they do and I didn't ask, didn't think of it honestly because I was so suprised to hear about DD refusing to cooperate

Aragog DD is my first and only so I didn't/don't know what usually happens at Parents Evening. We sat down in a hall where each teacher had a table and got 10 minutes with DD's teacher, and this is what she said

I will talk to DD. I was an arse kisser a very well behaved child at school so the psychology of why a child would do this is kind of alien to me.

I like the idea of the smiley faces, or at least yes it would be great if the school let me know what's going on, otherwise how am I supposed to help do anything about it?

Hopefully she will settle down and the behaviour will fade away. My son had behaviours like these that became apparant when he started school - he ended up being diagnosed with autism when he was 5. He is doing well now, with support.

I expect they haven’t mentioned it before now because they have been giving her time to settle in. She’s had around half a term now so I see parents evening as the ideal time to bring it up. Tired of seeing posters suggest a teacher should have told someone sooner/later/in a different way etc. Teachers can never win.

Agree that this is not a massive deal and teachers will have been allowing her to settle. You are getting told now and there is plenty time for it to be sorted out. I would definitely chat again to the teacher about a sticker chart or similar, so you can see how she is doing She could be tired, pushing boundaries, struggling with all the new rules and routines and if she has been fine at nursery I would imagine she will settle at school, particularly now she knows both you and the teacher are expecting her to behave.

From her perspective she’s just gone from somewhere where staff knew her back to front and she could mostly free play to an unknown controlled environment in which she is constantly been given instructions and performance demanded of her. It’s a huge jump and will have made her tired. She may be frustrated with the lack of autonomy.

Do you see the teachers at the end of the day or is it a CM that normally does the school drop off and pick ups?

I wouod go and see the teacher again. You’ll have more time than the 10mins of parents evening and it’s much easier to actually get a better idea of what’s going on.

Ask the teacher what has been going on and ask them what they are doing regarding her behaviour.
Tell them about te fact you are surprised about that behaviour as you have never seen it yourself, nor has nursery said anything about it.
But that you are keen about working with the school/teacher sonthat her behaviour improves.
Seen what they are doing at school, ask if they think there is anyth8ng you can specifically do at home to help.
And ask if/how you could be kept in the loop (eg do they have a home/school book??)

THEN when you are at home, have a look at your dd, how she is reacting, if you think she is, maybe, stressed or struggling to adapt. Or maybe you have developped a way to be sure she is doing as she is told/asked that isn’t working with school.
See if the suggestions de, the school look good and worth applying (they are not always good!)

Btw stickers chart work for some children but mines have always looked at me when I have ever tried to have one.

It’s not always the right answer, esp when it’s about something thatbhappens outside thenhiuse and you arent there when things go well or wrong.

I agree with the pp that if possible it would be good to try to arrange so you can pick your dd up from school once every few weeks so you can keep in contact with the teacher regularly.

It's strange that this is the 1st time you've heard about it. I wouldn't be very happy about that. It's probably been a bit tough for DD having this going on at school and you not knowing anything about it at home. I wonder how they expected you to support her to settle in (because that is what this sounds like) if you didn't know what was going on.

Now you know and you've had some time to get over the until shock , I'd expect that line of communication with school to be kept open. If you don't pick up, then some form of home school book with a few details.

I don't know if I would be disciplining as such. I'd probably do the opposite and hi for lots of praise for positive behaviours. And perhaps what you suggested - reminders to do as told by the teacher.

I feel for you, I really do. I don't think it's that uncommon though so don't fret.

It is the school's job to handle this. I would be asking them for details of their approach to this behaviour. TBH I do think that lots of children start school too young - they are all so different at that tiny age - some are ready and some are not.

I would not fret about it and make a big deal of it with your DD. Let time at home with you be free from school impedimenta. Soon enough you will have the blooming homework to deal with and school will impinge on your time - let her enjoy it while she may and keep school out of home discussions as long as you can.

It isn't only the school's job. That's the whole purpose of parents' nights, to enable school and parent to work together to support the child.

And I meant the stickers/smiley faces (or a note) be given at school in a diary/chart so that OP can see how things are going, not suggesting that the OP starts issuing them herself.

keep school out of home discussions as long as you can

No - there definitely needs to be a discussion about this. Doing what the teacher tells you to do is a very basic lesson to learn, even at 4, and dd needs to learn it asap, or life will become very difficult for her at school.

It's good that dd has found out that teachers talk to parents. Now she needs to see Op backing up what the teacher has said. I really wouldn't. pussy-foot around on this. Lying down on the floor and refusing to get up isn't something that can be ignored in a class of 20? 30?

By all means ask the teacher what she'd suggest, but I'm afraid there does come a time when dcs simply have to accept that they have to do as they're told without wheedling and inducements, because that's the way it is. It's not something she can choose not to do.

Hopefully, listening to the teacher tell you what she's been doing, and your reaction, will have given her something to think about and she'll cotton on pretty quickly. But you do need to reinforce what the teacher said and show that you're in agreement.

Sorry mishappening but I think that’s pretty awful advice. No wonder it’s hard to recruit teachers when so many parents want it all their way. Op, you sound like you are likely to want to work with he School on this. Don’t turn it into a huge deal and request meetings with the teacher and sticker charts (never saw the point of sticker charts!) A once a week catch up (brief) should be helpful but honestly, reminding her on the way to school everyday that lying on the floor when everyone else is doing such and such and refusing to do as she is asked will result in her missing out on (whatever you/the teacher chooses). Hopefully a few chats with her will help sort things out. Is she keen to please the teacher? Maybe she could draw her a picture that the teacher could fawn over to help your daughter feel positive and want to keep on impressing the teacher with her good listening or whatever.

Thanks yes I do want to be involved, the way I see it the first year or two set children up for every year after that and I really want DD to do well.

I am always intrigued by this strange obsession about the importance of school for a 4 year old - a 4 year old! If she was in many European countries then school would not be on the horizon for another couple of years.

This little lass is making it clear that she does not like all this, and she is protesting in the only way she knows how. She is powerless in this situation.

If she finds that a lot of her home life too is to be dominated by discussion about this situation that she is unhappy with, then how much worse will it feel for her? There will be no escape. It will be everywhere.

Really - you need to play it cool and not make a big deal out of it. She truly is entitled not to like what she is having to tolerate. School is an artificial environment with curricula dictated by the likes of Gove and his crew - what a mess he made of it all!

Imagine that she does not like what she is being forced into every single day - how is she to get this message across? Who can she turn to for support if not her parents? If she finds that they too are "in on it" how is she to feel?

Keep home for jolly home stuff. Listen if she says she is unhappy and provide comfort; but do not judge. If she does not like it then she, however small, is entitled to her feelings.

I am sure that she will settle in the end - children are very adaptable - but in the meantime she needs her school unhappiness to stay right there and not spill into the only respite she has from it - the security and comfort of home. Bringing it up all the time and telling her she must do what the teachers say etc. is just rubbing salt in the wound.

You need to be talking to the teacher and asking them what strategies they will be using to help this little lass settle.

When my children grumbled about an aspect of school I used to tell them that it was OK not to like everything about it, and that some bits would suit them and others not. We would talk about ways they might tolerate the bits they did not like. They are not obliged to like it.

I have a GS who has always hated school - it is just not his bag. We have all tried to boost his ego and give him permission to have his own opinion about it.

I think the important thing is not to want DD "to do well" but simply to want her to be happy.

Ach op, she's a clever little girl, I'm quietly impressed by misbehaving and thinking you'd not find out,

But speak to her, talk to her about how she's feeling at school, ask about how she feels about the work, the kids, the teachers, and stress to her she will settle in and ask her to make an effort to do as she's told. That you realise it's hard, but it needs to be done, for her sake. Then subtly inform her you'll speak to the teacher every week and find out how's she's getting on, maybe promise her a little reward.

If she still refuses to co operate then yes, you will need to get tougher. But right now use some cajoling and empathy, even bribery.

Bottom line is she needs to go to school and she can either make it tough for herself or she can make it easy, so encourage the easy approach with the subtle approach of the weekly check.

But do check with the teacher, because if she tries hard, you've got to show recognition and know about it. And reward her,even if it's just cuddles and a fave movie, or a trip to the park. Nothing is likely to set a kid back than a parent saying they will do something then not.