First parents evening poor report what do I do

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For context here I am a lone parent, working full time in a professional job in a city, DD has been full time at nursery in our village since she was a baby and has always had reasonably good reports, I got on well with her nursery staff and though she had her moments they would have said if she was regularly badly behaved. At home she is on the whole quite easy to manage though again has her moments - is not often what I would describe as naughty. She does get my undivided attention on evenings and weekends as I have full custody and there aren't many others around, we are quite isolated due to circumstances.

DD started at school in September, just had a first parents evening. To begin with the teacher asked me what my first impressions have been and I said DD won't tell me a lot. She then says that actually they have had some problems with DD not cooperating. Specifically, refusing to do what everyone else is doing, lying on the floor and regularly refusing to get up. I was so shocked and embarrassed.

Can anyone help me figure out how to handle this? I don't want to do it the wrong way and make it worse. On the one hand I could give it some more time as DD is settling in at a new school and ask the teacher to keep me updated. I could regularly remind DD its important to do what teachers say and I want to hear she has been good. On the other hand, I don't know - take something away, introduce a reward chart?

What do / would you do?

Also for context the school is a medium sized village primary, Ofsted outstanding, they seem very organised, keep parents informed etc and the teacher I just get the impression is a good one with quite a lot of experience. From DD's reaction (she was there listening to it all) what she was saying was true. I think maybe DD wasn't aware I would find out what her behaviour had been like at school and that in itself might give her pause for thought.

Bottom line is she needs to go to school and she can either make it tough for herself or she can make it easy, - she is 4! - she is 4!

She cannot choose to make it easy - she is too small, too young. She needs understanding and love. She has been thrown into a situation that she cannot deal with - cannot is the operative word. She is not choosing to be difficult - she is in out of her depth.

Thank you Mishappening, you have a very interesting perspective that I hadn't considered and I agree that not all children are suited to the school system - nor should they be. Honestly I was the other way round - found school a breeze, can still pass an exam in just about anything with ease - but left with virtually no skills for the real world and have learnt some lessons in life the hard way that others probably knew by instinct.

With DD, I don't think it's so extreme. More likely that she is testing, pushing to see what she can get away with. She is smart and strong willed. Also quite sensitive though, so I take on board your point about needing a safe space at home. I want her to know she can be honest with me.

I do agree about performance at school for young children, and it shouldn't matter that much if they are able to do a split diagraph or hold their pen perfectly... However, this is not about academics, it's about behaviour, and to me that's different. Even if she were in a European style nursery setting, there would still be expectations about behaviour.

If the parent doesn't support the school, how on earth is the teacher going to help the other 29 children in the class?

Ds2 in particular sometimes struggled to behave appropriately. We focussed on praise for doing the right thing, and definitely never punished him at home for this- however we were also very clear that we absolutely supported the teacher and made sure we were clear on what was going on and how we could work together with the school. OP it sounds like a good school and a thoughtful teacher, I hope you are able to find a way to support your DD together.

I think you can let her know she needs to do what school says without becoming the enemy. I don't think you need to panic about this but you do need to do something (as you are) - even if it's as simple as saying 'I know having to line up (or whatever) is boring but if you don't do it you don't get to do all the cool stuff like reading and drawing'. You can acknowledge school is both a bit shit AND fun without being the school police at home.

Honestly I reckon she'll come round anyway but conversing with school is a good way to make it happen faster.

If the parent doesn't support the school, how on earth is the teacher going to help the other 29 children in the class?

As kindly as possible, the other 29 children in the class should not be the parent's priority.

Two of my dc are school age. Ds1 is year 8 and has struggled immensely throughout his time in mainstream. He's just moved to an alternative education placement. I wasted far, far too much time trying to 'support the school' and 'think of the other children'. That's not my role and it should never have been my priority. I am ds1's mum and I am responsible for ensuring his needs are met. They have not been for years and years, but now I have been able to stop assigning the teacher's and school's wants and the experience of other children equal priority with the needs of the child for who I am responsible, they are starting to be.

mostdays - exactly. Well done for finding the place that is right for your child. One size does not fit all and we should look for what is right for our child, not try to mould them into the one system.

The concept of children all trooping off to school is so ingrained that it is hard to remember that school is a social construct, subject to political and other whims. There is no certainty that it is the right thing for any individual child. Certainly in the current climate of strictly micro-managed curricula I am not at all convinced that we can simply accept that good things are happening for our children. They are doing what the political masters dictate. I am a school governor and know exactly how circumscribed it all is - by policies, and diktats, and fads that come and go. The emphasis where we are is that we try and follow the diktats to sufficient degree to keep afloat legally whilst at the same time pursuing real education for every child.

It is important to remember that children are pawns in this game; and if it does not suit them, what are they to do? Lie on the floor and scream sounds entirely reasonable to me!

Mishappening I actually agree with you- but I have made the decision that if I'm not prepared to home school, which I'm not, I have to find ways of helping my kids cope with what I'm making them do every day.

The OP's daughter is not coping and her behaviour is not doing her any favours.

How to handle it?

Make an appointment to speak to the teacher without your child present. Explain that you were a surprised at the report at Parents Evening and ask how can you support the school and your daughter.

Make sure your daughter knows you expect her to behave well at school and what this means - listening to the adults, trying her best, asking for help....

If she hasn't had a very recent hearing check, then that may be useful, even if she appears to be fine at home when there are just the two of you, as it may be she is missing part of what is said in the busier classroom environment. It's surprisingly common and if she’s missing instructions it's unfair for her to be punished for not following them.

Don't forget that 4 is very young.
Also, your DD is not you and so you can't assume that her experiences and understanding will mirror yours at that age. She is a separate person.
My DS struggled to sit down on the mat etc. at 4 and join in with group activities but by 6, he was much better. Luckily, we moved house when he was 5 and he re-started at a new school the following September in the equivalent of reception class again and he was much happier for it. I can see that starting school at 4 was far too early for him and he's classed (by his current teacher) as gifted now.