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Original poster

Finding guardians for our children.

37 replies

lborgia · 28/10/2018 23:17

I just wrote a post which explained all.. and lost it. But I'm losing sleep over this so, brevity -

All siblings are a, batshit, b, overseas, c, we are low contact. variations on all of the above.

DH's parents I would trust implicitly, and I think we should put in a will right now, but realistically, might not be up to it in the next 3-5 years.

Have asked one couple who we would be happy to have charge, but in the end we all agreed it wouldn't work, reluctantly, after much discussion, and I think they were right. They are now overseas anyway.

Now cannot think of anyone either fit for the job (!), or who do not have their own children to think about, and I cannot imagine the difficulties that might cause them long term.

Our children would be financially very well provided for, so no problem except that this in itself is quite a lot to deal with.

Obviously people have to deal with this all the time, but any advice, thoughts? Who would I talk to about this in real life?

OP posts:
AwdBovril · 28/10/2018 23:22

No advice, but just to say you're not alone. DH & I have not made wills or formally named anyone as guardian to DD in the event of our death, simply because both our families are completely crackers. Not in a good way.

Atchiclees · 29/10/2018 00:43

We also struggle with this. In laws all abroad, SIL there said she would have the kids but DS1 has autism which she doesn’t understand and his Dad (my ex) wouldn’t let him leave the country. I wouldn’t want DS2 to go to ex but also wouldn’t want them split up.
My Brother and his wife are financially well off, not kids yet but not really suitable as they are very strict and have told my kids off before for very minor things like talking too much when they are excited to see them. 🙄
We don’t have any friends who know both our kids well enough. DM is in her 70s so too old for DS who is 6.
Naming someone is better than having no plan, but who? We would gladly act as guardians for children but have never been asked so maybe there are people I haven’t thought of asking who, like us, would step up if needed.

Original poster
lborgia · 29/10/2018 04:41

Thanks both, isn’t it strange that family is supposed to be the answer, and yet there are so many where it would actually be your last choice.

I suppose a solicitor might have some ideas, but I’m really at a loss because I don’t want to ask anyone unless I’m sure that they are really the best option, and then I have to have another lined up if they say no. I have to say, it hasn’t made any difference to the friendship with those we asked first, but I can imagine some would feel guilty for saying no..

OP posts:

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Families
Dawsonforehead · 29/10/2018 04:53

In exactly the same boat. Do you gave any cousins?

Lofari · 29/10/2018 04:57

Same boat here too. It frightens me. Added in that my youngest has a life limiting disease too.....there is just nobody.

pistacchioeclair · 29/10/2018 05:05

Perhaps a friend with their own children wouldn't mind if you asked? We've agreed to be guardians of a friend's children even though we have thee of our own. They are financially provided for and we care about them and their parents so we said yes in a heartbeat. One of their DC has complicated health too. I wouldn't rule out couples who already have DC

Aviana · 29/10/2018 05:06

But I though they don't necessarily go to the named person anyway?
We have named BIL (DH asked him and he agreed) but he does quite a dangerous sport which we thought we should take into account.

So we have named him as guardian to decide what is best for the DC and specified my best friend be involved any decisions. We have also tried to make it impossible for my family to get their hands on the DC.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/10/2018 05:15

We were asked by dhs brother with 5 dc and also friend with 3. Said yes to all . They have all grown up now but could have been hectic. So do look at friends with dc. More than likely it won't happen.

MrsPandaBear · 29/10/2018 05:55

I wouldn't rule out people with DC either, particularly if yours would be financially well provided for. On advice of our solicitor we specified that the money left for our children can also e.g. be used to help buy a bigger house for them all to live in so there are things you can do to help with the practicalities.

GaraMedouar · 29/10/2018 06:32

I thought about this yesterday (but I have nothing in place). I'm sort of just keeping my fingers crossed i don't die, head in the sand! I'm a single mother.
My eldest is almost 18, middle one doing GCSE s but youngest is at primary (and dad is useless). My DM is in her seventies but super fit (way fitter than me) and I'm sure she would supervise the littlest but maybe I need to give it some proper thought. Trouble is i just have nobody who could be guardian really apart from my Mum.

Dawsonforehead · 29/10/2018 06:35

My concern with naming DM is that I have a controlling DB and she would end up getting him involved in their care. So much to think about.

BadderWerewolf · 29/10/2018 06:41

In the same boat op. Out of date will gives joint guardianship to old DF and batshit DSis....latter is NC with both me and DF. DHs family are abroad. We're recently returned serial expats with our "close" friends in other countries.

I was committed to sorting it out by end of year, so obvs have done nothing whatsoever.

MargaretRiver · 29/10/2018 06:43

Put DH's parents down.

Always write your will as if you are going to die tomorrow.
If the DCs are financially well provided-for, then PIL can make use of a nanny, housekeeper, etc to ease their load. Even boarding school when the DC are older. They would make it work because they love their DGC.

If, in a few years time, they are no longer well enough then you can write a new will, and who knows by then a sensible sibling may have returned from overseas or friendships may have deepened.

Get the will written then forget all about it, it will almost certainly never be needed.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/10/2018 06:45

Would the grandparents with insurance to provide money to hire a nanny be an option?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 29/10/2018 06:46

Can you think of anyone who would be willing to make the decisions even if they can't house them? We made it clear that although it would be great if they were able to care for them what we really wanted was someone who would make the decisions we would have made. Depending on the ages this might be deciding to put them up for adoption, sorting out ?state boarding school and having them for the holidays, supporting the eldest to care for the youngest (fairly close in age). Nothing is going to be as good as having you there, and thankfully the risks of anything happening are very low, so you need to think about next best scenarios. I would start with thinking about who you trust the most to make those decisions and work from there.

Dawsonforehead · 29/10/2018 06:51

If there is no will, or no guardians named in the will, who would the courts decide on? Grandparents? Siblings with DC?

VenusClapTrap · 29/10/2018 06:53

It is hard. We named dh’s family to decide between them who would be best able to deal with them. But we did this when the dc were babies, and now I’m not so sure it’s the best plan any more. PIL are getting older and it won’t be long before it would be too much for them, so I can imagine SIL would end up with them. This would be ok in theory but dd finds her cousin very hard to get along with, even when we all stay there just for a couple of days, so I think a permanent arrangement would be extremely difficult for her.

Plus they are all overseas, so it would be a mammoth thing for the dc to be uprooted to another country, and I’m not as comfortable with this now as I was when they were tiny.

I have a close friend who I think would be brilliant and willing, but she’s single and has a demanding job. I don’t know how I’d broach it with Dh either - it would be a very difficult conversation to say I’d prefer a friend of mine over his family.

It needs thinking about though.

Chrisinthemorning · 29/10/2018 06:55

We have put grandparents. The solicitor advised to write it for if we die now and change it if our parents health deteriorates. At the moment grandparents would be ok as they would have good finances to provide extra support.

DaysDragonBy · 29/10/2018 07:02

Gara My eldest is almost 18,

So have a chat with your eldest. Not necessarily about housing and bringing up, but making decisions etc for them

SandysMam · 29/10/2018 07:06

This is why we had a second...so they will at least have each other!

anniehm · 29/10/2018 07:32

We had suitable siblings and younger parents so wasn't an issue (eldest is now over 18 so non issue) but I am guardian to a friends child whose dad is deceased just in case. You have to weigh up lots of factors. I would choose family for now, you say they won't be up to it but kids needs change and the bond, plus mutual loss will mean that they will cope better than putting the kids into a different family.

Thank said, as important as this is, don't worry too much, you can change in years to come

RussellTheRaven · 29/10/2018 07:34

We are in a similar position. We've named DBIL even though he is overseas. The instruction to him is to consider all practicalities and make decisions. He's not obliged to take DC, just decide what happens. MIL and PIL are obvious choices if something happened today, it 5 yrs from now? Who knows. We trust DBIL to choose, and actually I wouldn't want DC to go live with him. But if that's the right decision, he will know.

Things can change quite a bit over 5-10yrs but people rarely get the will changed often enough. Be vague and future proof. Then update decision makers regularly with your wishes.

Enko · 29/10/2018 07:47

we had my best friend however now dd1 is almost 21 and dd3 is 15 it's dd1. she would manage but I pray there will be no need until dd3 and d's have left.home

DelurkingAJ · 29/10/2018 07:48

My DParents had my DM’s best friend for us. There was oodles of family who are great but they didn’t want us to have to move. Have your DPIL for now and rethink later, we’ve done exactly that.

CherryPavlova · 29/10/2018 07:50

It’s hard and luckily we no longer need to fret about guardianship. We went for trustees who could work out the best solution together and oversee the care arrangements such that if eldest was of an age where they were able to be main live in career for younger siblings they would do it with adequate support for finances, advice, time away etc.

We chose very good friends who shared core values with us and who had specific expertise such as a senior lawyer, an accountant, a senior doctor, a headteacher, a senior police officer, my SIL. Any one of these would have taken all the children in but would have the support of the others. We avoided most family as the last thing the children would need would be family battles. Our friends share our values more closely than most of our relatives.

We’ve acted in similar capacity for our friends and we’re flattered to be asked.