Finding guardians for our children.

[lborgia]

I just wrote a post which explained all.. and lost it. But I'm losing sleep over this so, brevity -

All siblings are a, batshit, b, overseas, c, we are low contact. variations on all of the above.

DH's parents I would trust implicitly, and I think we should put in a will right now, but realistically, might not be up to it in the next 3-5 years.

Have asked one couple who we would be happy to have charge, but in the end we all agreed it wouldn't work, reluctantly, after much discussion, and I think they were right. They are now overseas anyway.

Now cannot think of anyone either fit for the job (!), or who do not have their own children to think about, and I cannot imagine the difficulties that might cause them long term.

Our children would be financially very well provided for, so no problem except that this in itself is quite a lot to deal with.

Obviously people have to deal with this all the time, but any advice, thoughts? Who would I talk to about this in real life?

If there are two of you, please don’t let the difficulty of finding the perfect guardian get in the way of writing a will. People get run over by buses crossing the road all the time, but a married couple both being killed in the same accident is far far rarer, so please don’t let your indecision about that very rare occurrence prevent you from preparing for the more likely scenario. In particular if you are cohabiting but not married you need wills immediately - guardianship decisions are important but not worth delaying the will for - you can add them at a later date.

Similarly stuck with DC with an and no one to ask and no one to nominate as trustees :-(

My DC might get some inheritance from his grandparents (shared b/w others) but how do we avoid the conflict of interest if those who are beneficiaries are made trustees of his part? It's already been agreed that anything "left over" after my DC dies would go to them (but not the other way round).

Such a worry :-(

We had a similar issues. DH has a (not at all D)Sister who we do not want to have the kids. We don't get on with her, and our DC do not get on with her DC. DB was our choice, but he sadly died. His lovely wife has moved away from the area so I couldn't ask her to have our DC. So we thought about my cousins who are younger than me. I just don't feel I could give them the responsibility. So we named my DU but he has different ideas to us. A lovely guy, and the DC would have so many rich experiences with his family but his fundamental values (though well meaning) are very different at times. I want DM to be their guardian- she lives near us, is a big part of their lives and would facilitate a relationship with the PIL; something which I couldn't say would happen if they had them. But she is in her 70's! I do like what PP's have said about a nanny. DC are school aged, so full time is not needed but I never thought about the practical options available!

I shudder at the thought of this. Having lost DB whilst my DN was a very young child it is something that I think about a lot.

Thanks all, so glad I posted. Grandparents plus a nanny of some sort is an excellent idea - and I had been wondering about friends as advocates, not least so SIL can't get her mitts on them (she does worry about then so. And their souls).

I'll sleep better tonight!

I think that’s a great point that they are well provided for so lots of help could be employed. I would personally prefer someone who already had kids so they knew about parenting and it’s actually less of a change for them. Going from being a childless couple to parents of my kids would probably be harder than adding two more kids to an existing family. Especially if they have plenty of money to help with a bigger home etc. this has reminded me that we really need to get a will sorted.

We've named my partners sister. She has no children, but I think she would of liked to have had them or to have them if the opportunity occurred. She is 40. She prob sees DS twice a year but she is the best of the bad bunch. She has worked with children in the past, but now lives a rural quite selfish life. She's pretty shy.

I wouldn't want my brother. And my partner has two brothers too, but both have older children now, plus one is living abroad.

How I see it is it's unlikely we both die and I'm sure she would step up if required. I did ask her and yes ok but wasn't massively keen but I told her it's unlikely etc. How I see it is I'd be dead and I just won't know what happens but I have to name someone.

Did consider younger cousins (20's)!but they still live at home etc.

We have been considering this recently and I would rather DD went to a friend with a child/children as the adult will understand what they are letting themselves in for and you know what there is their parenting is like.

We have this issue!
Our parents are too old for the job and I don't trust my siblings or his. Well I would trust my brother BUT his wife is blatantly racist and very right wing and I just hate the thought of my DC picking that up.

OH's sister is anti-vaccines which we are not and anti any standards (car seats, schools) which again we are not either. We are stuck.

It is awful to be stuck. Might have to also opt for my mum and provide for a nanny/housekeeper. 🤔

FWIW, a friend’s parents died while he and his two brothers were young teenagers / tweenagers. They lived with his grandparents and went to boarding school with strong pastoral care at 13 so as to be in a set-up more suitable for teenagers and that let them try out their interests. He was very close to his grandparents, and it worked reasonably well.

As others have said, don’t get too hung up on finding the ‘perfect’ guardians. The chance of both parents dying at the same time is very, very slim but far too many people die without leaving a will which causes huge stress for the loved ones left behind. We chose a sibling to be guardian, she wouldn’t have shared our values 100% but she would have raised our child in a loving home (not sure my DH & share values 100% of the time anyway ).

Fortunately DS has now reached the age of 18.

I think buy yourself those 3-5 years by making a will now with you DH's parents then reassess when you need to. Don't delay my lovely.