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Original poster

Were your parents loving and affectionate?

69 replies

MarmaLaid · 24/10/2018 20:58

I wonder if it’s a generation thing? My parents hardly told me they loved me, can’t remember hugs or cuddles much. I wonder if this has contributed to my awkwardness around showing people affection myself, apart from my children.
I am full of pride and love for my kids that I want to tell and show them every day.
I feel like there is a shift somewhere in that children used to fit in with adults but now children rule the roost and people’s lives revolve around them more iyswim. Might just be a rant/waffle but it’s what I’ve been pondering recently

OP posts:

dontknowwhattodo80 · 24/10/2018 22:39

Nope. I don't ever remember them saying " I love you" or anything similar. We had a happy childhood, they just didn't do this part!

I adore my boys, don't necessarily go around telling them that I love them but I hope they know I do by my attitude towards them. They don't do hugs either (nearly 10 & 15)!! I'd love to change that but they both at quite awkward ages!

TowerRingInferno · 24/10/2018 23:04

No, late 40s.

No affection or touching or even fond words. My mother once told me that she didn’t love me.

HildaZelda · 24/10/2018 23:58

No, never. My parents never ever told me they loved me and I don't ever remember them hugging me either. Both middle class. I'm late thirties now.
They were the other extreme. Both physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Constantly put me down, told me I was stupid, useless, nobody would ever want me, they'd put me into a children's home etc etc.

I'm NC with them now.

AnnabelleLecter · 25/10/2018 00:02

I'm 50. My mum was badly neglected as a child and is cold and struggled to show any affection. A few years ago she started hugging me when I get up to leave which is a new thing and a relief. Dad always cuddled us as children and was the only parent who played with us.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/10/2018 00:14

to so many PPs on this thread.

I got love and affection, but a LOT of criticism as well.

And it was always made crystal clear that came a poor second best to their relationship. Me and my DSis are totally different people, but we both have self-esteem which is through the floor. And we both struggle with all sorts of normal life stuff as a result of that. [like, we both massively mistrust compliments, we struggle to achieve in all sorts of areas, we're prickly. Even though we're chalk and cheese]

Very proud to be totally the opposite of this with DD. I can't give false compliments or praise, but I manage to find genuine things to praise and compliment all the time, and I boost her instead of putting her down.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/10/2018 00:24

Yes. Working class council house big family

citychick · 25/10/2018 00:36

Thinking back I knew I was loved very much, but definitely played second fiddle to younger DBro.

There weren't many kisses and cuddles, mainly because I pulled back when I realised they preferred my brother.

We are much more affectionate these days. Probably because we're all older and over the angst.

We are very huggy and tactile within my own family group. Everyday we have a "family hug".

BraayTigger · 25/10/2018 00:53

In my mid -30s. Mother had me at 37. I knew I was loved and parents kissed me goodnight every night but no other/very little other forms of affection. Don't remember any cuddles or "I love yous".

Went through a hard time at Uni and remember consciously telling my parents I loved them. Since then we say "I love you" more regularly to one another.

My mother is quite cold and never shows my father affection (and never really has done), I think he has suffered as a result (depression) as I think his nature is to be more cuddly.

I am totally the opposite with my kids, I shower then with love, cuddles and praise - as does my husband and his side of the family.

Interestingly my mother rarely cuddles my children (except when were babies), but my Dad gives them some cuddles.

Perhaps a generational thing like suggested. My husbands parents are 13yrs younger than mine and he had lots of affection growing up. Also mine are middle class, his working.

WidoWanky · 25/10/2018 01:20

Very. But i cant remember them ever saying 'i love you'. Lots of hugs, kisses, pet names, hair ruffling and happiness. We still hug and kiss goodbye now- i am late 40's. And when out, my dad still extends his arm to me to hold his hand or loop arms. He wont change. He's done it for 50 years!

I am very affectionate with my kids. They are teens but still we hug and kiss hi/bye and most nights they end up in my room before bed for chats - its like the bedtime story has evolved over the past decade and turned on its head! I tell them i love them every day, and they tell me. But i still dont /cant say it to my parents, which is just weird.

SecondTimeCharm · 25/10/2018 01:33

early thirties here, and yes i felt very loved - lots of cuddles (less kisses but plenty as a small child) they told me clearly they loved me etc

they were pretty young parents and there was defs a feeling of ‘we’re a team against the world’

Bloodybridget · 25/10/2018 01:36

Both my parents were loving and affectionate, they didn't tell me they loved me all the time but they showed it and I knew it. I'm mid-60s.

RedPandaMama · 25/10/2018 01:44

Early 20s. Never felt loved growing up. Was told daily 'love you' but rarely hugged and it never seemed sincere.

Echobelly · 25/10/2018 01:47

I'm always impressed at how my mum has always been so good at showing her love, even though her own mother was cold and distant (because she tragically lost 3 other children before they turned 4). I think it would have been easy for my mum to react by also being cold, or by being smothering and overwhelming as a parent, but she is neither.

As to whether lives revolve around kids more - yes they do, although I don't think they necessarily rule the roost, as it were. But people are definitely expecting to be child centred in a way they didn't used to be, which is why I hate women being guilt-tripped by the myth that there was some golden age when parents (read: mums) gave endless care and attention to kids, whereas in reality I think before women entered the workforce, looking after house and home often came ahead of children in terms of the time allotted to each!

Armchairanarchist · 25/10/2018 02:14

Neither parent have ever shown any form of affection or said I love you. I'm forty six and my children are told they are loved every time they leave my side and several times inbetween. I find showing affection difficult to others but not to DH or our DC. DS aged 22 will hug and kiss us both as we part company, whether in public or private. DH comes from a demonstrative family. He'll hug and kiss everyone in sight, friend or family.

allupsidedown · 25/10/2018 04:02

My mum was extremely loving. Always attended every concert, front row, grinning away! She was lovely to all my friends too. Just the best. I knew she had my back and would support me always.
I try to be a mum like her and it makes me so sad that bloody cancer took her away from her role as a doting Gran too. Dd1 was only 4 months when dm died.
My dad and I had, frankly, an awful relationship. He was great when I was little, although not very responsible. He was good fun. When I became a teenager he just didn't get me. I wasn't what he wanted in a child and he tried to get me to be something I wasn't. I was more a band camp, dancing geek not the cool crowd.
He was better with my younger sister but died when she was 13 so perhaps things would have got weird between them too. She is quite like me in personality - possibly even less cool!

FieryGhoulie · 25/10/2018 05:20

Not tactile or verbally saying "I love you" - but I felt loved and safe. As a very small child, I remember feeling sorry for all the other children, who didn't have our family - so that speaks volumes.

Now in knocking 50 - we are all very tactile and always tell each other we love them, so do our kids.

It's interesting though, that the love was there without hugs and I love yous.

ragged · 25/10/2018 05:23

yes, very (am not born British). My mom was over touchy, really. My dad's sisters would grab me when I walked by & do big kisses & hugs. My mother's family are fairly tactile, too. It's overwhelming when my kids visit to be in such a huggy group of people, almost everyone in the massive extended family is quite affectionate.

Grandparents (born 1925 & before) were not so touchy, but still loving.

Escolar · 25/10/2018 05:30

Yes, lots of love and affection. I’m mid-40s.

0lgaDaPolga · 25/10/2018 09:16

I have no doubt that my parents loved me as much as I love my son but there was no physical affection when I was younger and they certainly never said I love you. I must tell my son I love him at least 100 times a day 😂 but he is only a baby so I’m sure i won’t when he is older.

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