Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Were your parents loving and affectionate?

69 replies

MarmaLaid · 24/10/2018 20:58

I wonder if it’s a generation thing? My parents hardly told me they loved me, can’t remember hugs or cuddles much. I wonder if this has contributed to my awkwardness around showing people affection myself, apart from my children.
I am full of pride and love for my kids that I want to tell and show them every day.
I feel like there is a shift somewhere in that children used to fit in with adults but now children rule the roost and people’s lives revolve around them more iyswim. Might just be a rant/waffle but it’s what I’ve been pondering recently

OP posts:

bonzo77 · 24/10/2018 21:48

Nope. Not affectionate at all, not with words nor with gestures. Supportive when they approved of our course of action. Totally dismissive when they didn’t.

Very middle class. So were my grandparents both sides. I don’t think there was much affection there either.

I’m really trying with my kids. Our middle one is very very cuddly and kisses us constantly. I love this and encourage it. My parents find it really difficult and odd.

bonzo77 · 24/10/2018 21:48

Oh, I’m 41

MrsMarigold · 24/10/2018 21:55

Mine always said they loved me and we've always had cuddles, I still go and sit in bed with them if they visit, so do my children. They read stories and cuddled until we went to sleep, both me and my brother have done this with our children. DH's are also loving but reserved.

ForalltheSaints · 24/10/2018 21:58

Loving yes most definitely, but not the kind of people to hug or cuddle.

sourpatchkid · 24/10/2018 22:00

I don't think it's class or generational. I'm older than you, my working class dad would be 85 if he were still alive and he was very affectionate. My upper class mum is in her 60's and also very affectionate.

fatpatsthong · 24/10/2018 22:02

I'm 44, middle class and had a very loving childhood. Not much saying of I love you but cuddles, hugs, kisses and generally close and affectionate behaviour but with loads of teasing and mickey taking too.

DH is 50, working class background and very similar upbringing to mine in this regard.

We are a very physically close family with our own dcs - we tend to sit in a big intertwined heap. Lots of love you from me (less from dh).

As an aside, both of our parents are still married and were always demonstrably affectionate with each other in front of the kids as we are with each other so clearly a link there too.

BarnamintBaileys · 24/10/2018 22:05

I’m 41, from a working class background, and I don’t ever recall my parents telling me they loved me, or being openly affectionate. It never bothered me, and I always felt loved by their actions, even if they never said the words! (Although I feel deeply uncomfortable around huggy people!)

OhTheRoses · 24/10/2018 22:05

No. 58. Zero empathy except in public. My mother is a classic narcissist.

DH's are more normal. Not even affectionate for show.

Dandybelle · 24/10/2018 22:06

My relationship with my DM has changed from me being a small child in this respect, I don't ever remember her being particularly emotive, or cuddly or even telling me she loved me very much as a child, whereas now she's totally different. She often tells me she loves me and she's proud of me as an adult, and the same for my sister. I think she finds us easier now we're older, she just was never overly maternal.

pinkhorse · 24/10/2018 22:09

My parents never told me they loved me, hugged me or kissed me. I struggle with affection now towards my dp. I'm mid thirties.

Tootyfilou · 24/10/2018 22:09

I am early 55. My parents were/ are very affectionate... especially my father who is 86 next month. I feel very very lucky.

donajimena · 24/10/2018 22:10

My parents have never been the type to hug or tell me they love me. I'm 46. However I know and have always known I'm loved. Its in their actions.
I do tell my children I love them and will cuddle the one who lets me. My eldest won't let me near him
Sometimes I think its overdone. The declarations of love. Its almost a throwaway remark.

Hedgehogblues · 24/10/2018 22:12

Nope. They regretted having me

GetRid · 24/10/2018 22:13

I can remember my mum saying she loved me occasionally, but it didn't come naturally to her. Cannot ever remember my dad saying it, or being huggy. He just cannot do it as he's so awkward. He has a very middle class upbringing. Defined by a constant upbeat and smiley approach to everything, but without showing real emotion as that is just not the done thing!

But I do know they both love me. I'm 41.

With my kids I tell them I love them every day and always kiss them and hug them. Hope they don't grow out of this!

BretonStripe · 24/10/2018 22:15

Mid thirties here. Raised by a single, working class Mum who had an incredibly difficult and abusive childhood (abandoned, physical, emotional, sexual abuse for years).

She showed me so much love and affection it's unreal. I lost her when I was 30 and miss her so much. I am very very affectionate with my children, and try to put their emotions and thoughts on the same level as mine. They certainly don't get what they want when they want it tho!

My husband's parents never say "I love you" and don't do physical contact, but he knows he's loved. He struggles to deal with his emotions tho, and has admitted recently he struggles to empathise with others (his family always joke they didn't have time for sympathy).

GreenFieldsofFrance · 24/10/2018 22:16

I don't think it's a class thing. Both my parents are working class. The one who actually demonstrated their love by making me feel secure probably hugged me 5 times ever. The one that I would sit on the lap of for a cuddle into my (early!) teens was actually the one that didn't really know love and didn't show it in any way emotionally.

I'll take the no hugging situation from my mum but knowing she adores me any day.

I hug my own dcs too much probably! Am planning on rearing that irritating family that hug ALL the time, even if they saw eachother 2 hours ago :)

Ginazon · 24/10/2018 22:16

It’s strange, as an adult, hellos and goodbyes were always done with hugs, but I don’t remember any cuddles or physical affection as a child. I used to hate the goodbyes at big family get togethers because there would be this endless hugging as everyone said goodbye to each other. It felt incredibly formal and awkward.

When I had my first dc I was very conscious of having to learn how to do cuddles. It didn’t come naturally. Lots of cuddles and snuggles now though.

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 24/10/2018 22:17

Nopes, I’m mid 30’s.

Very rarely told that I was loved. Parents not particularly affectionate, which is why I’m not I think, I cuddle and hug those who I love but that’s it.

I make sure I tell my children daily that I love them and they are given love/hugs/kisses. I also tell them how proud I am of them. Every single day not matter what.

And they certainly do not rule the root in our home!!!

clopper · 24/10/2018 22:20

Mine were and still are loving and affectionate towards me and my siblings. Not so much in saying I love you, but lots of cuddles and always saying they are proud of us. Even now I kiss my parents goodnight if I’m staying with them! They still hold each other’s hand when out for a walk ( in their late seventies). I know I have been so lucky to have kind, affectionate and supportive parents. I am in my fifties.

queenbeetofive · 24/10/2018 22:21

I'm in my mid 30s and both my parents aren't affectionate people, don't remember being cuddled or kissed as a child or told that they love me, my whole life I could problem count on my hands the amount of Times I've been hugged/kissed/been told that they love me (and that's only been at Xmas/birthday/ or when I've had a baby)

My dad I would say is more affectionate but my mum is so awkward about it (both of their parents were the same with them) and as a result it's rubbed off on me, I find it very cringey to be affectionate even with my dp and dc (not so much the 2 little ones but definitely the older 3) and I find it so sad that I can't bring myself to just hug them and tbh I think they'd find it weird if I suddenly did lol shame really

SassitudeandSparkle · 24/10/2018 22:25

My mum was very affectionate and I'm in my 50's, I felt loved and secure. I am also very affectionate with my own DD. DH is less verbal about it to our DD but does hugs, his own parents were not quite as openly affectionate as mine.

hamburgers · 24/10/2018 22:25

My mum was of the opinion that "children should be seen, not heard" and told me this quite often.

I'm sure she did love me, but not in any sort of normal way.

Ohyesiam · 24/10/2018 22:28

I’m early 50s.
My mum could be affectionate, it was quite conditional but I knew she loved me. My dad was silent and always behind a newspaper, my stepdad was frightening.
The L word was never mentioned. I think it was believed we’d be spoiled by being complimented or being shown affection.
Self belief was just not a thing. There was lots of talk of people getting ideas above their station, or being too big for their boots.

It’s sounds quite bitter when I read it back. I do know that none of them
Got much parenting, so no role models. But they must have given me something as I can easily show my kids love.

Wenttoseainasieve · 24/10/2018 22:30

I was forever being hugged and kissed and told I was loved by my parents. I'm almost thirty so it's obviously not a totally new thing. However, I am not at all affectionate with people other than my immediate family, so not sure there's a link there.

Anotherdayanothernight · 24/10/2018 22:39

No, my mother was very young and my dad non present at first. Abortion wasn't legal (not UK) until after I was born and I never felt loved

Flip

1 2 3