Would you have your elderly (ish) mother move in with you?

[IAmGrootGrootGroot]

Well... would you?

Could manage with my Dad 100% though. He'd irritate me but not to the point of homicide...
Plus we read the same books, newspapers, enjoy the same films and do crosswords etc. And he is incredibly self sufficient and I know wouldn't take advantage.

My mother would demand far too much of my time and energy. She is much too high maintenance and I don't mean in a "care" way I mean in what she expects of people/life

Thankfully I don't think I'll be in that position as have multiple other siblings who could do it some of whom work in caring professions...

No, but bless her she has no boundaries. I just couldn’t.

Exactly PositivelyPERF

Both my parents let me live in homeless hostels, temporary accommodation at a young age with very little support...

Don't think I owe them anything tbh. 

Absolutely. I would prefer that she lived with us rather than in care until it was at the point that she needed intimate care - we've both discussed at this point the preference would be for either a carer to visit and do the intimate care or a care home.

I feel the same way about PILs too.

I've been blessed with a wonderful mother and PILs though.

My Stepfather however will be straight in a home. There's no way I could live with the miserable bugger.

Yes, both of us would prefer that over a care home. However if she developed Alzheimer's or dementia I'm not sure that I'd mentally be able to care for her day after day.

Absolutely without question. If I was married and my imaginary mil was elderly and needed help, she would be moving in too.

...and my estranged father died last year. He was vile so I would have arranged care for him I.e. done the administration bit (rather than see him homeless) but would neither have paid for any care nor visited let alone taken him in.

TBH even that is more than he would have deserved.

Maybe.

But i'd want at least £150k from her so that I could do the loft conversion and remodel downstairs layout to make a big kitchen/diner/family plus a separate front reception room plus a downstairs level access shower room (I'd put in some cash but would need additional funds). This would give us both quite separate bedroom/bathroom space, and a living room each (sharing kitchen/diner/family room/utility).

Then later if she became more frail she could have the separate reception room as her bedroom and there would be the shower room suitable for her already.

Would be quite nice, she could cat sit for me. She might be a bit lonely though as I'm not home until late in the evenings usually.

I'm torn on it. I work in social care and I'm currently out and about covering 18 care calls as we have no staff at all-not unusual- such is the total
State of social care at the moment... (usually I'm in the office). So many lonely older people seeing no one but carers day in day out. I'm actually getting a bit emotional today. All the pictures on the walls of the people when they were younger-my age now probably-on their family holidays, with their then babies, glammed up at now long forgotten parties.... Some of them sitting in houses they've lived in for fifty years-where they raised their families, all the memories they must have. They were like me-working and living and looking after their kids like I do, and yet they are ending their days so lonely and in lots of cases uncared for. I don't want that for my Mum (or me for that matter).
On the other hand I'm well aware that my Mum would do my head in within about 3 days were she to live with me. But I think I'm going to have to just bite the bullet when the time comes. We don't have that great a relationship but even so, she bought me up-I feel like I owe her a bit of care and support as and when she needs it.

I don’t think so. I wish she would move closer, to somewhere less isolated than where she lives now,so I could pop in more easily.

She talks incessantly and sees silence as a problem to be solved. She is also hyper-sensitive when it comes to her own hurty-feelz, but totally insensitive when it comes to others.
DH really struggles with her constant chatter, interruptions and repetitive set piece monologues, as do I to be fair.

She has very, very bad personal hygiene, which goes back to my childhood so us not just a senility issue, and I find that challenging I’m afraid.
I wish I was a better person, but it appears I’m not. She has stayed with us regularly. The relief on dropping her off is huge.

I'm very close with my DM but this isn't what either of us would want

Absolutely not. We get on well and I see her most days, but need my home and space.

Yes

Yes, no question.

Only under the patio.

To those who have said yes... what if you lived in a 3 bed with 3 kids?...

In a heartbeat. But our relationship is very good.

Yes, absolutely, but I would try to arrange separate living space as far as possible.

Mine didn't give a shit when i was made homeless with a fresh caesarian wound and my new born son so Tbh she will be reaping what she's sown. Or maybe my brother and his wife might take her in. He's always been her favourite anyway.

For those of you saying yes, do you work? If you do, how much company would they have during the day?

My DF was going to have to go into care home due to various medical issues (but actually died in hospital before it could be arranged) My DM felt guilty that he was going to have go into a home as she was unable to look after him at home. I remember one of the nurses saying to her, if he came home you would be his carer. If he went into a care home, you could still be his wife, and the nurses will be his carers.

My MIL's DM had lived at home with carers and family popping in. She was determined to stay at home, but eventually due to ill health had to go into a nursing home. She loved it there as she had company and activities to do, when she felt able. Regretted not going there sooner.

Being in someone's home may not always be the best solution

Not if DH was still alive as I don't function as an adult woman in her presence. If I was widowed and DC had left home, maybe.

My parents always told me if they we're ever unable to look after themselves then I must put them in a home. They looked after my Dad's Grandad (before I was born) who had dementia and they said it destroyed them physically and mentally and they wouldn't want to put me through that. In reality, I'm not sure I could actually put them in a home. They would have to move in with myself and DP as they live other side of the country.

Wouldn’t hesitate, I adore my mum. But we have a very good relationship.

It would be awful but if we had the space to do it reasonably comfortably I'd have to at least try it if the alternative was a care home.

When I was growing up, a friend's DGM slept in their front room. That would be a step too far.