Might be a trigger post... Social services

[bumblebee39]

So I have fucked up monumentally I have told children's services etc. I don't want my Older DC living with me anymore after a particularly nasty incident today where she attacked me physically, verbally etc.

I have been dealing with a lot recently and just snapped. I told her that I wasn't going to be her Mummy anymore and she was going to go live somewhere else (terrible I know, I know and I also know so much better than this)

However the call is made. I also shouted at staff where I live. Is this redeemable or am I going to lose both my kids and the baby I'm pregnant with?

I just snapped. I've been through so much domestic abuse, including the rape that lead to this pregnancy, and think j just snapped. She was acting like ex partner and saying similar things he would to me and I just couldn't deal with it any longer.

I don't want to feel like that again. She seems to have replaced him as abuser and I have no idea how to deal with it. Tantrums, breaking things, ripping my clothes etc. Refusing to give me any physical or emotional space and demanding food at the snap of her fingers then saying I've cooked it wrong etc etc. I have tried to be patient loving etc. But I just snapped tonight. I ended up calling every service going and saying I do not want her anymore.

I know that's the most horrible thing in the world and I feel so ashamed. I also love DCs deeply and would be ruined if I lost them. I just feel so alone and am struggling with current pregnancy etc

I have reached out to services before and basically just been told to handle everything myself/ wait and let it unfold.

I can't do this. I never thought I would ring SS on myself but I just did.

What happens from here? Will I lose my kids? Is this a no way back scenario?

Thanks

Social services work to keep families together. You’ve been through so much it’s no wonder you’ve snapped. You may we’ll be referred for parenting programmes. Counselling may also be suggested for both you and your daughter. Social services will not be looking to immediately remove from your care as you are seeking help.

Your a good mum who lost her patience and said some horrid things in a terrible situation. Your human.

Counselling is the way to go. You are not a bad mum. Just a mum at the end of her tether. 💐

I just feel like I've failed them in every way. I love them so much I just came to the end of my tether.

I have No one to look after them even for an hour. I am literally on my own and my heart is breaking because I know the damage he has done to her and to me is just so vast and ingrained.

I didn't realise until she lashed out so badly just how bad things had got. I thought we could just get through this but I don't know if we can. Everything takes so long and I needed counselling already, she needed it already we are just waiting on these services that keep saying: "no it's not that bad no we are not there yet no you are a good mum no we have no concerns no she doesn't need play therapy no you need to wait no that person is on leave no we don't have time to advise you etc. Etc."

Like when is it a priority? When do we matter? I keep trying to act like I can handle it and just keep plodding on but it's becoming impossible. I can't keep putting my hands over my ears and going "lalala" like a child I need some help Now (but probably really yesterday)

This is what you need to tell services. You need help NOW.

Tomorrow morning book a doctors appointment and ask to be referred to Camhs for your daughter to get therapy. And ask for counselling for your self. Access the freedom programme you can do this online.

It’s awful to feel like this. Believe me the fact that you want to get help for all of you is the biggest step. Admitting there’s a problem is the first step on a long road but it will get better. There will be times when it feels worse but by leaving now you are adoring your children what not to accept in a relationship.

Stay strong.

The problem is I admitted I needed help weeks ago but I think where o say it nicely and act like I've got my shit together other people who are more vocal are getting their needs but I'm not (and nor is my kid)
I'm trying to see this as a positive and that maybe saying I'm at breaking point may finally push me up the priority list.
I'm trying to make a positive out of a negative and have made peace with DD so far and hoping for a better day tomorrow X

I never forgave my mother for being abused, leading to me being taken away involuntarily. Honestly, if she'd willingly given me away, she'd be dead to me. I hope your oldest doesn't find out... It could just ramp up the abuse you've been subjected to already because it will make her feel unwanted and unloved.

*Kuntie
*
I don't think they will actually take them away I think they will know it's what it was (a cry for help) and hopefully I'll get some.

Oh I know, but does your eldest know you told social services that you didn't want her anymore?

No that I couldn't deal with her behaviour yes

Don't let her find out hope you have a good day tomorrow

Are you in a refuge? You mentioned staff where you are living and other people who presumably have similar problems. If you've suffered DV you will be in trauma and so will your DD as it sounds as though she's witnessed a lot of it. It's very normal for her to act out what she's seen which unfortunately doesn't stop it being a trigger and extremely distressing for you causing you to react in ways you might not be able to control.

Yes do keep pushing for the therapy, counselling, anything. It's not acceptable you've been left without (I doubt it's their fault either TBF - these services are chronically underfunded now.)

Hopefully you'll get some support tomorrow as you've contacted services and essentially said you're in crisis. Whether they offer help or not I would also try GP in the morning with an emergency appointment to see if you can get CAMHS referral pushed through there.

If there is any DV specific or sexual abuse specific charity/support service near you it might be worth contacting them as well.

If you can at least get on a waiting list for something that might be a light at the end of the tunnel to see towards. I wonder if there are any resources you can access in the meantime even if it's just something like meditation with the Headspace app, the online Freedom Project, any reading about therapeutic parenting. (To be honest I'm not sure whether this would be appropriate, but I'm guessing it would be better than a typical parenting course.) Any creative outlet might be a help as well even if it's something as simple as a colouring book. For your DC as well as you, I'm trying to think of things which aren't likely to cause further damage or open up trauma wounds more until you have the chance to get the proper support you all need.

OP, hang on in there, you and your DD need a big hug. You know that saying ‘the squeaky wheel gets the oil’ (or something like that!), what i’m trying to say is try to speak up and demand some help, you and your DD deserve it and honestly there will be people to listen to you and care for you xx

OP I'm so so sorry you're going through such a royally shit time. Please try not to beat yourself up about the call, you need support/help , you're only human and there's only so much one person can take.

I've no practical advice so this is a bit of a useless comment but I just wanted to say keep asking for help , you deserve help , your needs matter 

I'm Sure every parent going has snapped at some point and said things. They shouldn't. You've been through a lot, I hope they step up and give you some help.

Thanks everyone I'm trying to turn this around into a good thing.
I think things came to head because DC was using some of the tactics Ex did and I think I just couldn't deal with that, but obviously she's been schooled in behaving that way by watching him and I can't blame her when it is just her learning from what she's seen.
I have spoken to some other people in my situation since who have advised me this is normal but still very hard to deal with.
I'm hoping something positive will come out of a bad half hour...

bumblebee39 do not beat yourself up about this (I know that's easier said than done). Kids push us to our breaking points esp teenagers. Yes to PP go to the GP and get a CAMHS referral. Is she at school as you can refer to school nurse for some anger work in the interim? You will not lose your children, you have had a vent and hopefully all can take a deep breath and move on as a family with further support

I have been advised this morning that I can put a referral in for her to get therapy/counselling and have an appointment me to do that soon. I have also been informed I am on the waiting list myself and have not been forgotten as I feared.
I do think (unfortunately) me making a fuss yesterday has actually helped by making me a squeaky wheel!

How old are DC? Is there support available from nursery/school?

Good, that sounds positive.

One other thing to bear in mind as well as DC copying abuser tactics, is that sometimes they are just being kids showing normal kid behaviour. The abuser was the one who was behaving unusually by being an adult acting like a child. With support, children grow out of being unreasonable and selfish, abusers don't. It doesn't mean she will grow up like him.

Age 5. Yr 1. I will be speaking to the school after half term to see what they can do to support her too.

Yes to a degree it was normal child behaviour but it was more than that I don't think I'm being over sensitive I think she was purposefully doing what she watched her Dad do knowing that it would get to me.

I don't think that makes her abusive just someone who is struggling to know how to behave after being in a bad situation, in a way it's a positive that she's expressing her emotions, but attacking me and breaking my things, berating me for doing every tiny thing "wrong" and telling me I'm useless etc. Is copied behaviour not normal childhood behaviour. There is a difference.

She needs help to deal with her negative emotions differently and I think if we are both getting all the support we can that is the best scenario all round.

This week is just getting worse. She's stealing out the cupboards, refusing to get out of bed/go anywhere, refusing to eat her meals (only snacks, most of which she's eaten without permission), there's food being left everywhere just trashed the place for no reason, clean and dirty clothes all thrown around the place, she's refusing to be sent to her room/time out etc. Screaming constantly she's starving/hungry. Said she's sick, took her to the drs, she refused to go there even without being bribed with s milkshake, Dr said she's fine making it up because she wants medicine.

What do I do with the child honestly? She just said to me "fine I'll go to my room but only if I can rip all your clothes up"

She just hates me. I've tried to do everything right, buy her the food she likes, taken her out etc. Etc. And all I get is screamed at, lashed out at etc. Told she hates me doesn't love me wishes I was dead.

I am at my wits end. I don't want her to live somewhere else really, but this is impossible. Now abusive ex has gone she thinks she rules the roost. She has no respect for me of any kind. She isn't afraid of any repurcussions just literally berates me telling me every little thing I do is wrong.

I don't know how to do this anymore...

She sounds really distressed, OP. Bless you, it must be unbelievably hard for you to handle, but if she's been in the midst of the abuse and she's only 5, it's very hard for her to express that trauma.

Try and read the feelings rather than the behaviour if you possibly can, and mirror that back to her so she feels a bit safer - I had a DC who behaved like this out of huge anger and anxiety due to different traumatic circumstances, and it was a nightmare to deal with, but I found that the more love and understanding I could show, the more her behaviour eased.

If your DD is in crisis, there's prob not much point doing time outs/worrying about trashed mess etc - if her behaviour is awful, just name the feeling but put the boundaries in place (eg, I dunno, "I can see you're so upset and angry right now, and I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. We don't push people/tear people's clothes, so I can't let you do that, but you can punch a pillow/draw how angry you feel, and I'm here to listen".

It's all way easier said than done, particularly when you've been through so much, but PLEASE for her sake try not to read her behaviour as abuse - she's also been part of domestic abuse, and is acting out because she's traumatised (but I know it pushes all the same buttons). If you can try and hold it for her while you both wait for professional help, you'll be doing her the most amazing service.

She’s 5 OP. As much as it feels like she’s doing this on purpose, she’s not. She’s been through a lot too and she’s lashing out in the only way she knows how. She’s not trying to hurt you.
Glad to hear you’re on the waiting list for some help.

It's so hard to manage. I know when she (finally) goes to sleep I'll have to clean the house top to bottom which might wake her or the baby up and then I'll have to settle them off again. I am trying to use positive parenting techniques but I have shouted at her too (to leave me alone, go to her room etc.) it's just so intense and I feel like I can't even make a phone call/ have a friend over. I know they understand why things are the way they are but being in a messy space is just horrible.

Ah well, she's refused to eat her dinner but is enjoying her bath now so I've got a breather for 20minutes or something. Peace at last... Before I clean up the anarchy!

I feel for you OP - maybe just try to leave the house alone if you possibly can for this evening, rather than risk waking them up, and just slump and relax by yourself for a bit. The more of a break you can give yourself in the evenings, the easier the next day will be (even if it's messier for a while!).