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Original poster

Turning down a hen due to TTC - be honest or fudge an excuse?

29 replies

DollyWilde · 23/10/2018 18:05

Just been invited to SILs hen next year (September) but DH and I are planning to start TTC in January. It’d be really fun but not sure I fancy it if I’m pregnant (it will be boozy!) and will involve flying - and in any event in the very unlikely case we fall first month I could be giving birth at that point Shock

DH and I have agreed we won’t tell parents about TTC - they’re lovely but I don’t fancy them doing ‘is this the month’ every month and would rather give them a nice surprise than have them asking about how we’re getting on Blush

If it were a friend I’d quietly confide in them and ask them to keep it v under wraps, but it feels unfair to tell SIL and then tell her not to mention it to her mum. I think she’d try but it could come out by accident and it’s not her responsibility to worry about it/keep the secret.

Could say ‘can’t afford it’ but her hens are sweet and really working to keep costs down and I think she’ll be disappointed. I really don’t want her thinking I don’t want to join her! Given it’s 11 months away not sure I can claim prior arrangement either. WWYD?

OP posts:
Solasum · 23/10/2018 18:07

Say you are a provisional yes, then revisit down the line

Bodear · 23/10/2018 18:08

I think you should plan to go. If your circumstances change you can always pull out later on and lose the deposit but there are no guarantees as to what might happen. You might be pregnant and feel fine so more than happy to go. You don’t have to drink on a hen do.

PotteringAlong · 23/10/2018 18:09

You might not even be pregnant in 11 Months time. When do you have to commit?

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Original poster
DollyWilde · 23/10/2018 18:09

True, both. I just hate letting people down! They’re looking to get things paid up in Feb so not sure how much time I’d have (logic being they’ve found good deals but need people to commit for the good prices).

OP posts:
Original poster
DollyWilde · 23/10/2018 18:10

And I know I don’t have to drink but it’s a party resort and she’s younger - not sure how much there’d be to do if cocktails are out Grin

It’s the sort of thing I’d not think twice to saying yes to if it were in Jan.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 23/10/2018 18:11

Just say yes for now. There’s no knowing what’ll be happening in eleven months time. FWIW I accepted an invitation for a wedding in New zealand a year before it was due to happen, then fell pregnant and had to tell the couple that we wouldn’t be going after all esp as the wedding date was a week before my due date. They were fine. These things happen.

ThirdChildFourthPile · 23/10/2018 18:17

Tough one.

Chances are you will be pregnant, it's more likely.
Can't you just TTC now and then you're sorted especially if it happens sooner rather than later 😁

Failing that, I would book last minute. Is that even possible? I'm not familiar with booking flights.

userabcname · 23/10/2018 18:25

I would tell her. In a similar situation myself- have had to quietly tell the organisers I'm ttc and don't want to risk letting people down and losing money. Not ideal but I thought a poor "excuse" would be worse and make it look like I actually didn't want to go / be involved.

Original poster
DollyWilde · 23/10/2018 18:52

katniss there’s an idea, could tell her MoH (not family!) although would hate for the family to find out through a ‘stranger’. Leaning towards fudging it with a ‘ooh sounds fab, maybe’ until Feb and then maybe trying to tell SIL in confidence at that point.

Can’t imagine it’d be a huge surprise just feels like I’m massively jumping the gun telling her our plans when we’re not even actively trying yet! I know it could take ages. Just don’t want to be that annoying group chat friend who is all ‘maybe...’

thirdchild haha, unfortunately I’m waiting on some job stuff to come through for certain before committing to trying or I’d be all over starting now to save looking like a flake! Social awkwardness always a great reason to conceive and all 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Escolar · 23/10/2018 18:57

I'd plan to go if I were you (unless losing the deposit money would be a big issue for you). You may not be pregnant or you may fancy going even if you are pregnant. If you tell the truth SIL may be a bit offended - it is a slightly rubbish sounding excuse when you haven't even started TTC yet!

Original poster
DollyWilde · 23/10/2018 19:01

That was my worry escolar! Such a ‘how long is a piece of string’ issue. Could be giving birth next sept, could be still trying. I’d rather not lose the money but grand scheme of things...

OP posts:
TheArtfulScreamer · 23/10/2018 19:49

It took me 5 years and a round of IVF to concieve, I'm glad I didn't turn down invitations in the meantime or it would have made those 5 years even more miserable. I'd plan to go and then if you have to cancel as your pregnant you'll be that over the moon you'll not mind to much anyway.

Original poster
DollyWilde · 23/10/2018 19:53

Thanks artful. I didn’t mean to be insensitive of anyone who took a while to conceive. I just... have no way of knowing. And I don’t want to let her down.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/10/2018 19:56

It’s a bad idea to put your life on hold assuming you’ll be pregnant. Plan to go (unless you wouldn’t be going for other reasons).

I hope things happen for you but it isn’t always easy.

HouseplantInvasion · 23/10/2018 20:02

Can you not just agree to go but make sure you book a flight that is changeable/cancelable for free? Even if it means you have to book separately to the others

EnidButton · 23/10/2018 20:03

Not insensitive but tiny but naive. Understand, I was the same. Put lots of things on hold and turned stuff down because I was going to be pregnant or have a young baby and 11 years later we're still ttc with no success so far. So I agree you shouldn't put life on hold. You can always change your reply closer to the time.

Hopefully it'll all go well though. Good luck.

EnidButton · 23/10/2018 20:03

But = bit

FantastikRik · 23/10/2018 20:06

Plan to go. If you’re pregnant and don’t fancy it you can pull out. I’m sure people would understand. Don’t put your life on hold.

Good luck TTC.

Pebblespony · 23/10/2018 20:07

I'd accept the invitation.

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2018 20:10

I'd confide in her. As she's younger and planning a wedding, she probably won't say anything. If she does, it won't be like your MIL won't have guessed anyway, but she probably won't say anything if you haven't had a direct conversation about TTC.

I can't think of anything worse than a booze hen do with morning sickness, so I'd have to just say something to SIL.

PurpleDaisies · 23/10/2018 20:11

I can't think of anything worse than a booze hen do with morning sickness, so I'd have to just say something to SIL.

But she isn’t pregnant. She might not be.

Merrz · 23/10/2018 20:25

I'd plan to go. I took 13 months to conceive and before we started trying I made lots of excuses not to go to things because I thought I'd be pregnant. You honestly don't know how long it could take, until you fall pregnant I don't think you should put things on hold. If you end up being early pregnant at the hen yeah it's no fun being the sober one but you could still go and if you are giving birth or dry pregnant by then you'd know far enough in advance that you wouldn't really be letting anyone down. You might just have to sacrifice the deposit.

SoyDora · 23/10/2018 20:31

I’d just plan to go. You have no idea how long it will take to conceive (my first took 13 months with no fertility issues).
I’ve been on many boozy hen dos while pregnant (on my third pregnancy). They were still fun! 3 of my friends were 7 months pregnant at my hen weekend. You can’t put your life on hold to TTC.

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2018 20:32

Do you mind losing the deposit? I'd have been 8 months pregnant with all of my D.C.

Just talk to your SIL.

ZackPizzazz · 23/10/2018 20:36

Turning down things before you even start TTC because you might be pregnant then is a bad idea.

Live your life assuming you aren't pregnant until you are, or you could end up still not pregnant but very isolated. Just plan to go and consider the money a sunk cost. If you conceive easily and have a baby then instead, happy days and what a small price to pay.