If your OH works away...

[champagneplanet]

DH has started working away through the week, it's not possible to come home as 4hrs drive each way and sometimes works nights. It's not permanent just as and when the work comes up so we go with it, by contrast he could be based locally for a couple of weeks working days so it's very unpredictable.

We have two DCs and I work four days per week, literally feel like I get home from work, tidy up/sort lunches, put DCs to bed and then go to bed myself, it's actually quite lonely when i've been used to him being around, it's a total change of routine for us. I'm also a bit of a whimp and don't like being alone at night so I think I need to grow a pair!

If your OH works away how long are they away for, how do your DCs cope with it and how do you manage things?

I don't work away. But I have a 2-2.5hr commute into London each day. DS is 7, so I'm up at 5 and out before 6. DW gets him to breakfast club for 7:45, I collect from afterschool at 17:30 and make dinner for us adults. Bit f reading and homework, then DS to bed and adults soon to follow.
It's working in the sense that it's working. But me and DW barely see each other.

I'm currently away four weeks at a time. It sucks, it's hard, it puts a strain on us all but we are learning to deal with it until something better comes up.

We are as careful as we can to prioritise family time as much as possible and be careful not to misinterpret each other over text or WhatsApp and be forgiving of each other as we are both under pressure. My wife is amazing, frankly.

I do as much as I can when I'm home, and we make a special effort to build tension and shag each other senseless connect properly on the first couple of days back.

We are both lonely when apart and are exploring every option so that this is not a long term thing.

The children seem to cope with it as well as the adults to be honest, they are only little (5 & 7) and we all seem to have our wobbles on rotation.

It's heartbreaking to have a child crying out for you when you are thousands of miles away or feeling bad because you've snapped at one another over one of the normal squabbles from family life but you're not able to have a hug and make up or have a proper chat about it because of the time difference.

We all miss each other terribly and I constantly worry about the longer term effects on them and on our marriage (despite doing our level best to be conscious of it).

Skype, postcards, WhatsApp notes through the day and the odd surprise online delivery all help. Feeling pretty miserable about it today as you can probably tell!

In fact on reflection, it's not worth it.

It's common here, guys working on the oil rigs in north sea for 2-3 week spells.

They spoil the heck out of their kids when they are onshore (2-3 weeks at a time), and get involved in every activity they can with their kids during that time.
One family I know, the adults love it, feels like they get a lot of healthy space.

My husband does occasional work trips. But nowhere near as frequent as it sounds like yours does. I quite like everything being in order while he’s gone. Amazing how much mess and extra laundry a husband can create. I also like getting to watch trashy tv he’d sneer at in the evenings :3

My dad used to work away in the week and come home on weekends all the time (until my late teens when he adopted more of a 3 weeks away, 3 weeks home pattern). Since it was just how it had always been from a child’s perspective it was completely fine and normal.

Dh has worked away on and off since starting work. This current spell has been going on for 7 years. Away Sun night/Mon morning and back Thursday or Friday night every week with the odd 10 day ish trip abroad every 3ish months.

I’m over it now. I want him home. I know this makes me sound like a petulant child!!

The dc are older 17 down to 9 but I’m fed up of being the one who does all the running around. Things aren’t getting done because there just isn’t enough time at the weekend unless we give up on having fun.

I used to not mind it - in some respects it is easier because there’s no false expectation that someone else is going to help. But I hate going to bed alone. I hate turning all the lights off. I hate that we pass like ships in the night and I think it is starting to affect our relationship in a bad way.

Sorry not to be more positive. I think it works short term (1 or 2 years) but long term it is damaging for us.

I've worked away for various durations of 2-3 days up to 6 weeks for the last 7 years or so. My wife does a bloody amazing job when I'm not here - and works more than full time in a demanding job. The kids love hearing my stories, and they get it that it's just the way things are. They're 12 and 10. After a longer stint it can take a couple of days to adjust back to normality for us all. Honestly, I'm at the point now where if I didn't travel for work I'd go crazy.

But, yes, sometimes it's lonely, depressing, and feels not worth it.

DH works away and comes home every 4 weeks - it's tough but he can't get a job here as all his experience is overseas and he is also old . We text, message and skype everyday; and try to have a night away on our own when he is back - but our children are older so we can leave them.

Another couple of years and that's it - just topping up the pension pot and finishing the project that is our house.

DH has worked away Mon-Fri for about 20 years now . Our children are 18 and 16 so it’s all they have known. We just get on with it as it’s a choice we’ve made. We speak at least once a day. I took a career break when the children were very young but work 4 days a week now ( was full time for a few years). I am very organised and have had to be independent. We also don’t have any local family but I have good friends that I can rely on if needed.

My DH has an unpredictable working pattern sometimes away for 3 months, sometimes away Monday to friday, sometimes for just a couple of nights midweek and sometimes at home all week.

I find when he gets back from a long stint he really annoys me as I am used to doing everything and deciding everything and I suddenly have to take into account his opinions and timetable. it takes me a while to factor in that I have support. I am less tired and lonely when he is around as I have someone to sit in with, or I can go out, or I don't have to work out how to be in two places at the same time as there is help.

You'll get used to it. Especially the alone at night. It depends on finances but can you get to something for you each week (I could never afford a baby sitter to do a club, but always thought that would be nice to go to book club out the house )

My dh works away monday to thursday.

i hate it.
i think it's really bad for a marriage and family life.

There' so much pressure to have a nice time at the weekend. You miss out on all the small every day intimacies.
My kides are teens now and so off doing their own thing so I sometimes feel like billy no mates on my own.
I work full time, do the cooking, taxiing the kids, small amounts of housework. The house is always a pigsty because i get sick of trying to do everything during the week and when the weekend comes i want to be having fun and seeing my dh not cleaning.
Sorry to sound really negative.

My DH works away Monday to Friday, it's not unusual for him to be away 12 days sometimes 18. He's been doing this for 3 years since dc3 was only a few months old.

We text a lot, face time or call when he can. Dc3 has never known anything different but is starting to ask for him more now. DC's 1&2 (not dh's) will often count down for him to be home.

We try to make weekends about us. We only rarely do things without each other tho would never stop the other going out.

It's hard but doable. We're hoping he'll be able to stop next year but we'll see

Dh works away often - usually for around 7 days but sometimes 14-18.

The kids cope fine with it BUT dd (8) has started getting upset when he leaves. It’s definitely exhausting if you’re working all day or have little ones at home. Definitely a feeling of being on a hamster wheel.

Dh does try to ring them most days - it’s not always possible because he’s quite often abroad and in quite a remote locations

OH has worked away Monday to Friday on and off for years and only had 2 weeks st home after DD was born. It was tough when she was tiny, I was permanently knackered and used to sob in the middle of the night because I was so lonely, it’s got easier now she’s older. DD is kind of used to it, but is quite clingy with me when he’s away.

I do struggle to juggle work and school runs, my mum helps out, but it’s mostly my responsibility. We miss OH, but we FaceTime nightly and do nice things st weekends. And the house is tidier, he’s a messy bugger

My DH used to work away Monday to Thursday when the three DC were small. It was tough, but we got into a routine during the week which used to fall apart completely when he came home. It helped that I wasn't working at the time. It was back in the days before mobiles so keeping in touch wasn't so easy. I have to say I was very glad when he got a job closer to home.

I worked away for about 10 years, Monday to Friday, 3,000 mile commute each way. More often than I liked I would have to stay the weekend, so could be two full weeks gone. DS was a teen so was very busy with his life for the most part, but still we did not like it. My DH was a star, coped fine, but man, it was lonely. For both of us, but much more so for him. He works from home, so did not see much of the world when I was gone. I would work, eat and sleep.

Overall, you do what you must but I would not have chosen that long term, and finally quit and took 6 months off to recover, and rebuild our lives as a family again.

My OH works away from home 3 days per week leaving before the kids and I get up on day 1 and returning after we go to bed on day 3. He also does longer trips of up to a week away 3-4 times a year.

The rest of the time he works from home do I think we have a nice balance. On the days he's here he does the school run and we spend lots of family time together. It also helps that I'm someone who loves their own space!

The kids have never known any different so aren't bothered! We do FaceTime every night though.

I do need to be super organised on the days he's not here though e.g make sure we have food in, school uniforms ironed, homework done.

It did for our marriage in the end.

So interesting reading everyones responses. My DH started working away in the week 6m ago. I found it hard at first but have mostly adjusted now.. I miss him a lot but I do enjoy my tidy house.. I hold my tounge as much as I can when he comes home and makes a mess as at first I was spending our precious weekends getting very mad about it.
Our DC is only one but seems to cope very well so far..I find we appreciate each other more at the weekend and dont have time to fall out and get cross with each other.. and he gets up with our DC and I get to lie in or have naps!
I do feel lonely sometimes but try to see family. I do also feel like I do all the cleaning and shopping and obviously most of the childcaring. I only work two days a week so this is managable though. He also still does a lot of our house admin which I am pleased I dont have to do and DIY and gardening. Sometimes it does feel like we have to cram a lot into just under 48 hours! I try to have one day of us being at home and one day where we do out but not always. I also try not to do too much without him at weekends but we dont worry if we do have things to do separately. The other thing I try to do is visit once a month with DC so we get extra nights together even though he is still working in the day. Again this is easy as DC is young. I do wonder what it will be like if we have more DC... I think it would be much harder. I hope it wont be like this for too long but it is right for us at the moment.

My DP has been living/working away for 6 months now and it is utterly miserable.

I have 2 boys and a dog and all I do is ferry the children around, walk the dog and work. I feel totally trapped in the house because I have no family nearby and all my friends have young children of their own.

I’m beginning to feel resentful of him and his freedom - he has a gym membership, tennis club, nights out with work colleagues etc whilst I literally sit in the house night after night.

DP is only home once or twice a month. We can’t go on like this much longer.

We've always had extended patches where DH is away Mon-Thurs/Fri/Sat. It can be very hard and I imagine it is much worse if you are having to adapt to such a big shift.

But we get along ok I think. Me and the kids have a routine. I try to be organised. I don't try to make weekends perfect and thankfully he doesn't have an idealised expectation of family life. We can go days without speaking and I have had to make many quite important decisions alone. My son in particular has had big wobbles - sometimes he just wants to talk to his dad and it's not always possible.

I get babysitters regularly. I've done evening courses. I've developed a decent social life and friendship group. But I won't pretend that it's not lonely on occasions and sometimes I just get sick of always doing the organising and being the only adult in the house!

Dh works away sometimes Mon - Fri and sometimes just a night away but even when he is at home he works long hours, often not home till after nine most nights - I'm a SAHM and that is how we cope - I assume he will do sweet fanny adams and the kids have been used to his work patterns and we celebrate the days he can make it home for dinner and just get on with it when he is not there.

Thank you all for your replies, they are so interesting to read.

I agree the house is definitely tidier, and I like being organised however the DCs are 7 and 18 months so i'm always doing some sort of childcare or ferrying around when i'm not in work.

My DM and PILs are local and a great help so i'm very lucky in that respect, but I don't want to ask them to do 'extra' as I feel like I should be with them when DH isn't here. It does annoy me a little bit though when he calls and he's relaxing in his hotel, having a nice bath, going out to the pub to eat with his colleagues and watch the football, etc whilst i'll be lucky to get beans on toast and a shower before I fall into bed!

I do feel great pressure to enjoy our time together when he's home, especially this weekend for example, it's the end of half term so I feel as if we really should all get out and about together.

We really do need to try and make this work, to be honest I think i'd rather it be a more solid arrangement, the unpredictability of the shifts is annoying, I feel like we can't plan ahead.

You know he'll be very lonely too, it's not great living out of a hotel.

My DH has travelled an awful lot since the children were small, and I hate to say they got hardened to it, which was sad in a way.

However, we never dropped him at the airport, never did big goodbyes after some hideous experiences at Heathrow, but focussed on the coming home.

He only brought them something from his trip if it was more than 4 sleeps, he travels all over the world

My two couldn't cope with Skype etc as they couldn't bear him being there, but not there, which was very tough on him, but it used to break their hearts, getting teary thinking on this.

When he got home from a trip he'd want to just be at home and we'd want to do something exciting, we had to work that out, and sex lives too, lots of pressure in poss a few days, all a bit confusing really.

Last year he was away for over two thirds of the year, but all on trips no longer than 3 weeks.

My kids are older, and he is sad he doesn't have the closeness of the relationship that I do with them

Its not great but it is what it is, we do get lots of benefits too, lots of travel etc, but it wasn't like this when we got together, he had a day to day job and was home every night. i just hope he doesn't have regrets