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Original poster

Advice for 18yr olds with "no prospects"

36 replies

Rory786 · 18/10/2018 11:41

Hi all,
My friend has a 17yr old (soon to be 18) and a 19yr old. They were in foster care but that got changed to special guardianship when they were 8 and 9.
They do not have qualifications, no urge to get a job. No drive. How can my friend make them independent. Social services say they can offer nothing because they are not in foster care. They are happy to stay at home all day with takeaway and wi fi. The younger one is abusive and violent. The police have been called in before.

How can they learn to be independent. My friend cannot manage them, she normally fosters babies. They came when they were babies and just stayed on, she felt pressured into getting special guardianship. Any help gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
sleepismysuperpower1 · 18/10/2018 17:27

what about an apprenticeship? they could try one in a manual work field such as plumbing or property maintenance. before hand, they should take up some voluntary work in a charity shop. i would personally apply for the role in the charity shop on behalf of them, and then drive them there on the 1st day, to make sure they actually commit. link to apprenticeship info

Original poster
Rory786 · 18/10/2018 18:58

Thank you sleep.

They were offered an amazing apprenticeship but just didn't turn up, same for work. They are not interested in voluntary work Sad

Its just trying to get them to understand my friend can't look after them forever, she is in her late 60's, and is getting frailer. They think they can either live with her forever or the council will get them a flat. They live in London. And the social worker clearly said they will not be entitled to a flat as they are able. Its such a sad and difficult situation.

OP posts:
buscaution · 18/10/2018 19:04

You make it sound as if your friend is completely uninterested which is probably why they are. Building frisbee and independence isn't something you can do in a week. It takes years.

I don't know what the answer is, presumably as she won't get any money for them after they are 18 they have to find their own way.

Sad end to being in foster care.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

17 years old 19 years old
buscaution · 18/10/2018 19:05

frisbee DRIVE

Cherries101 · 18/10/2018 19:09

If they like computer games try a gaming / technology related internship or apprentiship. www.notgoingtouni.co.uk/sector/graphics-and-game-design

lljkk · 18/10/2018 19:57

Are drugs or alcohol abuse part of the picture?

Original poster
Rory786 · 18/10/2018 19:59

buscaution she is very interested which is why she pushed for their education: got them tutors, biased with teachers but they were not interested.
She organised the apprenticeships, and the work.

They obviously like being with her as its a cushy life but she needs help in getting them independent. She doesn't just want to kick them out. They have no education, skills or drive. She was recently very ill and in hospital, so she is worried for them.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 18/10/2018 20:00

any older generation folks that they might listen to, any groups in the area for kids not in education or work, sometimes a parent, as it were, is too close to be paid attention to

Original poster
Rory786 · 18/10/2018 20:02

No drugs or alcohol. Thank goodness.

They are nice girls but not taking advantage of any opportunities. I think they think they can live off benefits. I just need help in getting through to them. Social services have said its not their problem.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 18/10/2018 20:04

someone needs to talk some sense into them, if not her, then someone else. Can you?

LittleBookofCalm · 18/10/2018 20:04

Even a shelf stacking/cleaning job might encourage them

lljkk · 18/10/2018 20:26

You say they are nice girls but one is abusive & violent. Which is it?
Nobody wants to live with a violent person (or is required to).

Nightmanagerfan · 18/10/2018 20:30

They could do the Spear programme as they are in London. Look up joinspear.org

They have lots of experience with young people in this situation - care leavers, criminal records, tough backgrounds. It’s for 16-24s and the environment is really supportive.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 18/10/2018 20:33

They came to her as babies? So she has brought them up for 17/19 years?

titchy · 18/10/2018 20:35

Well your friend needs to restrict (remove?) internet access and takeaways. Provide meals, basic toiletries and underwear. And that's it. Phones, games, clothes they have to earn.

Vinegarchipsticks · 18/10/2018 20:43

Got to be tough it's kinder in the long run, dp brother was very similar to this but far older, sponging at home, no motivation, they eventually did as other posters have suggested, cut off the net, cut off his moneu, said you need to earn a wage I'd you want anything. Tell her to stop paying for takeaway,clothes etc change WiFi password if they want WiFi they can contribute to it or earn money and move out and get there own net

TeenTimesTwo · 18/10/2018 21:11

If they went into care under the age of 4 they would usually have been made available for adoption is they couldn't return to birth family.

The fact they weren't adopted leads me to think there is possibly much more to this than the OP/her friend are saying.

I wonder how much professional involvement they have had e.g. CAMHS, as it sounds like they need it.

Original poster
Rory786 · 19/10/2018 09:21

littlebookofcalm
I call them,whatsapp, FB them regularly. I'm happy to do this. I said to both of them to apply to the local supermarket, I said to them they could start off with stacking and work up to a managerial position. Prestige is very important to them.

lljkk the younger one is violent.

Nightmanagerfan that sounds brilliant, this is what I started this thread for.

IAmRubbishAtDIY yes they came as babies.

Vinegarchipsticks and titchy yes this is EXACTLY what she needs to do but she finds it really hard to stand up to them. I discipline them, go to their parents evening and help out when they can. But I have teens of my own.

TeenTimesTwo my friend has had many other babies who got adopted but no one came forward for these two. One social worker suggested it might be because of their race and heritage.
The younger one refused CAMHS treatment despite being on the waiting list for ages. She refuses to see counsellors from school or the G.P.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/10/2018 09:30

I think your friend has to be cruel to be kind. Most people don't delight in getting up and going to work, I certainly would love to sit at home and watch TV and MN all day. However I also wish to buy certain things and have a roof over my head.

Your friend has to remove the wifi (change the password and the router login details), stop buying fancy toiletries for them (just basic shower gel/soap, shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste). If they want/need more stuff they have to get it themselves. Ultimately she might have to consider that they can't live with her forever if they're going to have a life of their own.

Where are they getting the money to buy takeaways?

FedoraHat · 19/10/2018 09:41

How about talking to your local YMCA? Our local one has a Foyer, where they house and offer training to young people. They get their own little flat with independence, but they'd get fed, and to do a level 2 qualification in hospitality, construction etc along with some voluntary work?

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 19/10/2018 09:53

A YMCA Foyer could be an excellent opportunity. I think there's one in Crouch End.

The Prince's Trust may also have something suitable www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/programmes

Bluewidow · 19/10/2018 10:41

Well you motivate them the same as anyone else with teens this age. You tell them that if they are not in educTion that they have to contribute and that you expect a contribution to living costs- food, electric, even rent. Until they can make that contribution then there are no takeaways unlimited wi fi and gaming all day long. They need to be given tasks around the house to do daily as perhaps that will provide some
Motivation. Sometimes it's hard isn't it when you are in the same pattern day in day out.

AnnDerry · 19/10/2018 10:49

A lot of this advice would work for children who have secure attachments and a stable home life with their birth family, but may be totally inappropriate for children who do not. They have been in the care system all their lives and however much love, tough love, discipline, security, and support they are given, they clearly have significant underlying problems which are not going to be solved by taking away their electronics and telling them to get a job.

Unfortunately there will be no quick fix, and the OP's friend clearly needs far more support that is forthcoming. I feel for both her and those girls. Love is, sadly, not always enough.

tamzinro · 19/10/2018 10:53

I hate the cruel to be kind sentiment . Love is what they need . Because she is ill and has other babies maybe she can't provide enough time for them . I feel sorry for them .

tamzinro · 19/10/2018 10:55

Pressured into getting guardianship ? Poor kids