Advice for 18yr olds with "no prospects"

[Rory786]

Hi all,
My friend has a 17yr old (soon to be 18) and a 19yr old. They were in foster care but that got changed to special guardianship when they were 8 and 9.
They do not have qualifications, no urge to get a job. No drive. How can my friend make them independent. Social services say they can offer nothing because they are not in foster care. They are happy to stay at home all day with takeaway and wi fi. The younger one is abusive and violent. The police have been called in before.

How can they learn to be independent. My friend cannot manage them, she normally fosters babies. They came when they were babies and just stayed on, she felt pressured into getting special guardianship. Any help gratefully appreciated.

tamzinro
my friend doesn't have babies now, she had babies in the past and they got adopted. She took these two sisters thinking it will be short term but no one came for them. She didn't want to break their stability so she kept them.

The difficulty, as AnnDerry points out, is that they may well be emotionally damaged because of their past, they may be emotionally delayed because of their past, they may have enormous reserves of resentment because of their past. Staying in foster care because no one wants to adopt you can't do much to promote your self esteem.

That doesn't of course alter the fact that they are going to have to become self-supporting, but it does probably make it harder.

I found even with my own dd who had missed out on a lot of growing up due to illness that she needed pushing but she also needed to do little steps and accept that she wasn't going to be ready at exactly the same time as everybody else. I had to be clear in my expectations but far less punitive in my approach than I would have been under normal circumstances.

Yes, I feel sorry for the girls and for my friend.

Sounds like your friend needs more help: Ring up your local council & ask for their Youth service (might be youth service/might be Connexions or another name). Make an appointment with an advisor to talk about options eg training, Princes Trust programme, mentoring. They can also help about housing eg. suggest how to get into foyer/ymca/supported lodgings. If they have extra needs eg learning disability or mental health needs also ring up adult social care.

tamzinro

what do you think my friend should do? She is a very loving generous person.
Others have suggested the cruel to be kind approach but you don't agree with this?

My cousin fostered later adopted too lads who were neglected & abused (including sexually). With cousin form 6m & 18m (mixed race, too). Cousin works FT and has no money, has health issues, her partner has worse health issues.

Boys grew up to be responsible sensible lads. They have issues -- who doesn't. They don't threaten people. Put me in the tough love camp. The girls need to be told they can and must do better.

I would do a basic yes-I-expect-you-to-find-work-I-shall-expect-you-to-send-off-5-applications-tomorrow, but not link it to thoughts of you-won't-have-a-home-here-forever nor necessarily to punishments.

"tough love" is all very well, but if it backfires with an ill or damaged child the consequences can be horrendous. I grew up with an adoptive sibling, who has done incredibly well in all areas of life and is an amazing person, but the one thing he CANNOT cope with is the idea of not belonging. So we just don't go there.

Phrase it instead as "we're all going to pull together on this one" and break it down into smaller tasks, like writing out your CV tonight, or finding 5 addresses to send it to tomorrow or see a mentor. Phrase it as something practical and everyday and a bit boring, like going to the dentist or buying new shoes.

Don't look too far into the future: that might freak them out completely. It is secure children, who have grown up with a sense of belonging, who find it easy to shoot off to Malaysia at the end of their schooling and plan the future they want in 20 years time, because they have grown up with that sense that "we'll be ok".

If you can find a mentor, that would be brilliant.

The reason why Social Services like to get children out of fostering and into a Special Guardian arrangement is because SGs don't get paid. Foster carers do! But these girls are still young. If they were the friend's bio children, they may well stay at home until mid to late 20s, so this is not unusual. I would agree with taking away all phones tablets and WiFi until they get themselves into jobs or education, though. They need some motivation.

Do either have additional needs or perhaps MH issues? There may be support for NEET through the council - local college may be able to signpost your df. How are they being funded?

No one but prisoners should feel forced to live with unpleasant fellow adults.
OP, Let us know what happens to your friend.

Thank you everyone, you have given me a lot of ideas.
The girls have been tested at the hospital but all that came out was low IQ, so they haven't been able to access extra funding or support.