Feel depressed about living in a wealthy area.

[Usernamed]

We moved from a near-by town to a village in the country. The local school results were good, and that was our priority at the time. The village looks lovely. We moved to a smallish 3-bed semi on a little close, which was in a bad state and needed lots of work. We've now been there 4 years and I've been feeling more and more miserable. The work has not been done on the house (money/time).

I did not realise how affluent the area is. At first I though 'so what?'. I'm not a jealous type or materialistic. But as time has gone on I've realised more and more just how we stick out like a sore thumb. At my DDs school, literally every child lives in massive houses with expensive cars. As we did play-dates, I kept expecting to find one or a couple of other kids living in a house similar to ours, but no, they are all seriously minted.

My kids are noticing it. Even though I keep explaining that these families have bigger houses because both parents work (although not all do), and that money and thing don't make you happy, I can see it affects them, and they feel different. They say things like:

"Can we have a playroom?", "Our house is as big as this (to the other childs' parent)", "Why is our house so small?", "I want to live in X's house", "They have loads of toys, why don't we?". "Why do we only have toilet and they have 4?", "Are we going to get a big garden?"

I know I should not let it bother me, but I think this feeling has built up over time. I am embarrassed to have other Mums round on playdates because our house is also very tatty inside. I feel like I'm starting to get jealous, or competitive and not content with what I've got - which is so unlike me.

And I know people are going to say, perhaps these people are in debt, or unhappy, but no, some are happy and just have very good jobs! Can anyone else relate?

Comparison is the thief of joy. Just make the most of your home and tell your children the same. Or move to a poor area where you can afford a big house. Owning a 3 bed house in a nice village is not a problem OP.

I think you should teach your children a bit of humility! They sound whingy and rude.

That was always the danger if you can’t afford to keep up with the Jones tbh, but you moved anyway.

DC were going to notice especially becuase dc do notice that kind of stuff!

Someone will always have more or less than you, something your dc obviously need to learn.

If you cant be the small fish in the big pond time to move where you are on a more equal playing field.

I tell my dd's you either get me full time or a tree house and tea at school when they start with all that "why can't we have? gubbins.

🎻

Is there any way to start planning to do the work on the house? Even starting small? If it was in a bad state four years ago and you haven't done the work, then that could be impacting you. Maybe make small adjustments to thr house and have a plan? It might make you feel like you're improving your situation.

Kinda happened to me at private school growing up. Went to people's country houses (with private beach, cricket nets & swimming pool etc.) at the weekend, lived in our 3-bed terrace during the week. Yes, I did question my parents, but they were pretty frank about our situation compared to the others, so that was fine by me. As a child, I got over it pretty quickly.

Of course, once these kids got out into the real world and found out what size flat a drama student can afford in London, that's when they got the shock of their lives...

I would just enjoy if I were you. Give freely if what you do have & let others do the same for you. If you are a nice person I'm sure that these other mums aren't all going to be nasty or judgemental because you have a smaller house?!? Be kinder to yourself and to them. As to your kids I would be saying they are lucky to live in such a nice place, have such nice friends and go to a lovely school. You must point out it's all relative and the lack of a playroom doesn't make them deprived!

Compared to some you and they have a lot and are in a fortunate position. Whoever you are you can find people worse or better off than yourself if you look. Concentrate on all the positive things you do have & be grateful for that. Otherwise you will all be miserable.

There is no point comparing, isn't it? Has anyone been rude to you because you weren't as well off? We live in a ok 4-bed house in a nice area. DC has school friends in 2 or 3 beds semis, and also some bigger 5 beds. Nothing seriously rich like yours. But they still say blah and blah has a bigger bedroom or bigger kitchen. It's just how they are. I just be frank with them and said this is what we could afford. And if they are house and fed and loved, then they are very lucky?

If the other parents are looking down at you, then it's their fault.

The only thing I'd say is maybe have a look at slowly doing up the house? I can imagine it's quite depressing to live in a run down house which you planned to do it but haven't.

I know what you mean OP this definitely can get you down - people are being a bit snarky but actually most people would feel this in some way in your situation, I reckon. It doesn’t make you jealous or materialistic I think it’s the unusual experience of being someone who is actually doing ok but subtly made to feel like they must have done something wrong not to be really rich. If you’re constantly surrounded by that it feels crap. I agree with leafyhouse that sometimes you have to be honest with children about this sort of thing and point out that they have a nice school etc.

I grew up a bit like this. I was sent to private school at the expense of other things and always felt like the poor one, because I was, compared to my peers. I never felt like I fitted in. However I did learn that status and possessions are totally vacuous things that don't make you happy. Personally though if I were you and I found it was making me miserable, I'd move to a more balanced area or one where I felt more comfortable. I'd rather be around more grounded people if possible, to be brutally honest.

Explain to them what being poor really looks like and that some children grow up in very small council flats with damp and sometimes go hungry or sometimes don’t get Christmas presents. Life is all bout perspective!

One of the main arguments of the Spirit Level was that people tend to compare themselves to the people around them so yes, it would suck to be relatively poor in a rich area.

However you sound like you’re not in dire straits and there are plenty of people who are in great need in this country. Who are scared of being homeless, having to claim benefits, etc. You need to find a way to make your kids see that.

I realised people would say this is a non-issue. I don't think you can understand how this would feel unless you'd been in this situation. I'm not exaggerating when I say there are no other children in the class in a similar situation to us.

I did not realise the area was like this when we moved here, and we are thinking of moving. I don't feel that it is very healthy for my kids - they are experiencing a skewed view of the real world - where everyone has loads of stuff. I'd rather that they saw that most people are not that fortunate (or a more mixed view). I do tell them that we are fortunate and that our house is big compared to lots of peoples.

The house does get me down - having not dealt with the DIY stuff is a weight on my shoulders. We have had no carpet in areas of the house for months because other work needs doing first. I am doing it all myself as my DH is not handy. I did not realise how rubbish he is at DIY as our last house did not need any work.

To those that said my kids seems whingy - I think you have to realise that ALL they see is this tremendous wealth around them. All of their friends. They are also only 3 years and 6 years old. Of course I constantly tell them how fortunate they are. I point out examples when we are out and about, but they don't seem to take it in! Kids only know their own little world.

If the house is in quite a bad state you are likely going to have to finish the diy jobs before you can sell. Otherwise you will take a big hit on the selling price. So you're kind of in a catch 22.

Also living in a house in a bad state impacts most people negatively. It's not somewhere you feel proud of.

Your husband isn't shit at diy, he just doesn't wish to do it. Like mine. I would say sit down with him and come up with a plan to do the work, tell him he will need to get his finger out. And put a timetable against it
Ie on sat we do x, on sun we do y in the evenings we do z. And so on.

Then see how you feel about the place. I suspect a lot of this is down to simply not enjoying living in the house, irritated by the work that needs doing, and then the kids comments adding to it. They will also probably be impacted negatively if it's in some disrepair.

Unless you can afford the financial hit in the sale, I think as a first step you need to do the immediate work and then see how you feel.

It’s hard. Showing them pictures of people living in refugee camps isnu likely to help your situation as they are only focusing on their friends playrooms and the likes (I hate playrooms!!!) Perhaps threaten to move to a totally new area where they will have to go to a new school and make new friends and they might be quiet about it. Or get a job and a playroom

Msoliphant that's a bit harsh. They are children.

Normally I would say perhaps you could work on the house or embrace minimalism but after reading your updates I agree with others that you should consider moving. It is not always better to have the worst house on the best street, for our mental health, it is better to be in the middle and you clearly are not in the middle where you are so you need to move.

However, I cannot understand how you managed to find the only 3 bed house in the village - where do the people who live beside you send their children to school?

My parents had less money than their friends and neighbours when I was little. They made huge sacrifices in order to have a largish house/garden in a village and to send us to private school, but we were all under huge strain because we didn’t have enough money for food/clothes/holidays/hobbies in keeping with the house/school lifestyle. It wasn’t nice at all.

Well, maybe to combination of feeling like you don't fit in and the unfinished house really are weighing on you too heavily. In this case yes, maybe you could move to somewhere that will make you all feel more comfortable, average & happy. I don't think that would be a bad thing at all - your MH comes first really and sometimes it is better to take yourself out of what, for you, are stressful circumstances regardless of whether a.n. Other would have a problem being in your shoes or not. Do what feels best for your family OP! X

I’m feeling a meh today. Glad I stumbled across your post as this is exactly why.
It does seem like a non issue to anyone outside, mostly because it is but OMG does it grate on me.
I’ve had someone make an incredibly judgey comment this morning and it’s got under my skin all day now! Sorry I’m no use to you at all as I’ve not found any way of getting a grip but hey it’s nice to know you’re not the only one!

Annasgirl - I live on a very small cauldisac of 8 small houses. They are occupied by people with no school-age children. I guess we did not look at the village in enough detail to realise that this was the only road with smaller houses. Also, I did not realise just how expensive the big houses are - the one next door (not in our cauldisac) just sold for over £1.2 million (and we live in a midlands area, so not South prices). Some of the houses don't look as though they are that big from the front, but when they go up for sale you realise they just go back and back, with massive gardens as well. Some have tennis courts and swimming pools.

….. and the Village Magazine actually refers to our street at "the low-cost housing". Nice.